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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think WTF is going on?

580 replies

ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 22:35

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
Chandon · 01/04/2011 13:01

any news OP?

lesley33 · 01/04/2011 13:04

I don't think sharing a bed or just using a mattress - as long as there are reasonably clean sheets and enough covers, is a problem. As I said the concern will be whether there is 1 child sleeping on the mattress and 1 child being ill treated and made to, for example, sleep in the bath.

This does happen and would be an indication that 1 child is at risk of abuse. It is not uncommon in families where a child is being abused for there to be other children that are being well treated.

Not sure what EC is, but if a parent tried to do what parents in China do there would be an outcry from people who had to walk on pavements, etc where a baby/toddler had pooed. You only have to read the vitriol about cat poo in gardens to realise that this would not go down well.

But of course it wouldn't be abuse or neglect.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 01/04/2011 13:04

I hope it went well for yo - I have just seen this thread and I think you may have had a hard time. However, I think that is because people want to help you OP - you sound like a nice person!

mumcanIaskaquestion · 01/04/2011 13:29

I don't understand how you could lose/misplace 3 phones, a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary over a period of a few months and not notice, unless there is too much mess that it impossible to see what is realy there.

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 13:42

Maryz I disagree that 2 kids of 7 and 9 are too old to share a mattress if they are happy to do so. I share a mattress with my husband every night and we are 26 and 31!
Of course there may be all kinds of other issues that haven't been mentioned by the OP but equally there may not be. I am going on the info given and mess is not a child protection issue, not sorting out your recycling very often is not a child protection issue and having a poorly decorated house is not a child protection issue. I can understand why the authorities want to have a closer look because any of these things COULD be an indicator of problems that would effect the childrens welfare but it's not necessarily the case.
I have recently decorated my house throughout and had the bathroom replaced and it looks lovely (we are trying to sell). I don't think my kids are any happier or better looked after because my house looks nice though.

NinkyNonker · 01/04/2011 13:43

How did a 7 and 9 yr old manage to swing on a door handle? Are they really small? Or was it again done years ago in which case why not fix it?

I genuinely don't get people who live like this, at all. I hope today went well and that this helps to give you the impetus you need to get it sorted op.

FudgeGirl · 01/04/2011 13:55

"Maryz I disagree that 2 kids of 7 and 9 are too old to share a mattress if they are happy to do so. I share a mattress with my husband every night and we are 26 and 31!"

Seriously? You really think sharing a bed with your DH is no more normal than two little girls sharing a mattress on the floor in room with no door and holes in the wall?

I dread to think about the state of the houses of those who think the living situation the OP describes is acceptable.

NonnoMum · 01/04/2011 13:57

buttonmoon - what a ridiculous statement! OF course you share a bed with your DH - that's your choice as adults. What is suitable for a couple is totally different for siblings.

Two pre-adolescent kids DO NOT have a choice here. They are sleeping on an unmade bed - not impressive by anyone's standards...

ashamedandconfused · 01/04/2011 13:58

my 11 and 9 yr old DDs sometimes get into bed with each other, DS, 5 will frequently get in bed with us BUT the difference is, they have their own beds, their own clean, safe sleeping space, they co sleep through their own choice not because there is no alternative

and, as has been posted before, checks need to be made to ensure that the kids DO in fact, share the matress, and that one of them is not being made to sleep in the cuopboard under the stairs, for example - because guess what? some parents LIE

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 14:00

My home is beautiful actually. I just think there is a lot more important things than the cosmetic appearance of a house. Things like are the children loved, clothed, fed, kept warm etc.
Maryz was saying it would have to be a big mattress - I was just pointing out that in the majority of houses 2 adults share a mattress with no problem. I don't see a problem with 2 sisters sharing. Me and my sister had bunkbeds at home but we hardly ever spent a night when we weren't squeezed into one or the other bed together completely out of choice. When you think of some of the things children have to endure sharing a mattress with your sister isn't the end of the world surely? In many cultures the whole family will sleep in one room.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 01/04/2011 14:02

I don't want to scare you, but I have known people lose their DC over less than this. You need to get your act together, sort out your house, get beds for your DC, get the door back on its frame and get some food in.

Please... one always thinks that it's not going to happen to them [having their DC taken away] but believe me, it does happen to 'nice' families. All the time.

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 14:03

Where did it say there was no food?

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 01/04/2011 14:06

The police asked them if there was. Sorry, took this to mean they couldn't see any evidence of any. I'm probably mistaken. Even so, that is something they need to bear in mind. It seems that Child Protection do not comprehend the idea of 'shopping on a daily basis' Hmm

Skinit · 01/04/2011 14:08

SS always check up on food BornAgain...the police had concerns and they wanted to see the kids immediate needs were being met.

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 14:09

My sister has a crowded and untidy house which is "not dirty". How you can say that when you have a teetering pile of shite on every surface I don't know. Surely one has to clear a table / worktop / floor before it can be considered clean?

The Health Visitor nicely advised her to stop her cats crapping on and in the steriliser and to not wash baby bottles up in cold water basins filled with cat hair and that was the extent of the intervention at the time.

But I would still be careful OP. You have been given some excellent advice. Hope it all works out well.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 01/04/2011 14:09

Yeah, I know Skinit. That is what I was trying to say.

Maryz · 01/04/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 14:16

I always worry about SS not understanding Menu Planning too! Thinking about this thread earlier I perused the cupboards and was relieved to see that we still have a few basics which would make two or three days meals (bread, bacon, cheese, bread, beans, pasta, passata, some fresh salad veg) even though we do our shopping tomorrow but still...

I suppose they expect to see jumbo bags of reconstituted shaped meat and potato products in order to be satisfied. The documentary about Karen Matthews showed her buying in shite frozen sausages from Iceland which was obviously what she knew was expected.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 01/04/2011 14:19

I read this thread last night, and have come back to see if there is an update from the OP. Though perhaps she is so busy blitzing through the house that she hasn't had time to get near the PC. I hope she gets the help she needs, and can get her home sorted out so this situation doesn't get any worse.

Lesley - you have posted some very good advice on this thread.

lesley33 · 01/04/2011 14:30

It is fine to shop on a daily basis. But most people would still have some food in the house e.g. bread, eggs, cereal. I am not saying the op didn't food in the house, but I don't think it is normal to have no food at all in the house.

But SS aren't looking to just see if you have food in. They want to know how you feed your children. So if you shop on a daily basis SS should be able to come round at your tea time and see the children are being fed a meal.

lesley33 · 01/04/2011 14:34

FlaminGreatGallah

Even if you had no food in but you said we always do ourw eekly shopping this afternoon, then that would be fine. As long as when SS came back the next day you did have food in.

crazygracieuk · 01/04/2011 14:38

Based on what you wrote, I'm not surprised that ss were informed. Even your h suspected that they would be informed so I think that you are in denial about your house.

My children broke their Ikea bed slats too. Luckily they are cheap to replace. (about 15 quid?). I'd be making the kids sleep in my bed if I really couldn't replace their beds- Certainly not drinking wine!!

Are your children still destroying the house? I have a 9 and 7 year old and they don't make holes in the Walls and break doors etc. They can be cack handed and thoughtless but never so bad that I'd consider not giving them a bed!!

Is the mattress a single? If not then I think it's reasonable for 2 siblings to share, my 2 are opposite sex but would happily share.

I hope that you haven't posted an update because you've been cleaning or working out a plan to get out of this mess(pardon the pun).

YouTube has a lot of diy videos for difficult jobs. Our house has been a diy zone so I understand why after a long time the decor seems fine to you when it's not really. If your house is anything like ours then there will be little jobs that you can do to spruce things up. For example dh has painted all the skirting downstairs and it looks much better.

It sounds like you and your h need a kick up the bum and this could be it.

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 14:47

Thanks lesley. Everything else on your check-list is always in place - it's second nature, but I looked at the dearth of fresh food in the fridge and fruit bowl today and got a bit paranoid.

Plenty of freezer and cupboard stuff (for any emergencies really) but I have been referred and it terrified me even though nothing came of it.

PinkToeNails · 01/04/2011 15:00

Poor you. You've given such a reasonable explanation for the state of the house, but I guess they don't know you personally so they're reacting to what they saw.

I really hope things get sorted for you and they can see you for the caring, loving, normal parents that you are.

We all go through a bit of chaos sometimes.

x

scottishmummy · 01/04/2011 15:09

no,this is absolutely not a "poor you" moment and it shouldn't be diminished as one. yes families have hard times but ongoing mess,squalor,wine empties,no designated bed is not a "poor you" moment.it is indicative of a deeper malaise and ability to cope, and inability to prioritise

you obviously have broadband and pc.money for wine.
prioritise and get a list of immediate to do tasks eg sort beds and mess
your social situation has came to attention of statutory agencies,that in itself should send a glaring message of how your home environment looks to others

all the individual factors cited paint a v alarming cumulative picture