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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 30/03/2011 14:49

Also why should your grandfathers money be given to a child that was nothing to do with him?
The child is not "a child of the family" as does not live in your home.
Tell your DP no and stick with it

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 14:50

Wow, I step away for an hour & it all gets so heated!

Hullygully - I really don't think I am being selfish, if I was I wouldn't have made any suggestion of alternatives & just said no, it's my money. I am simply trying to find the best solution for all of us, in a very complicated situation. I have stated that I am fully prepared for some of the money to be used to help DP track down his ex & hopefully re-instate contact, but after 4 years I am not too sure this will be possible. However, if I am wrong at it all works out then of course I would be happy for what is left of the inheritance to be split between them (and any future) children. I just feel uneasy about it right now, which is why I came on here to get some other opinions.

Fwiw, we are not talking about hundreds of thousands left over after the mortgage is paid, I expect it to be in the region of about £12-15k, that will be used to finance the wedding (which won't be a huge affair) and whatever is left is to be saved, I just want to be sensible about how we save.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:50

She could go to court, MrSpoc, but legally, no, she's not automatically entitled to any of it.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:51

OP, I have a new suggestion for you which is fair to BOTH children as it stands today.

  1. You pay off the mortgage.
  2. You put your money aside FOR YOURSELF to do with as you please at whatever point in the future, be it family holiday, deposits, or a gucci handbag.
  3. You and your dp goes half half on all family expenses
  4. The money you save on NOT paying a mortgage goes into TWO separate trustfunds, one for your dd and one for his son. For example 200 each per month.
  5. If you get a second child, the "mortgage money" is split in THREE equal amounts.

how does that sound?

Then further down the line, you get to see what child to help with education and how much, etc.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:51

money - I didn't say you were selfish. It was the attitudes of the respondents to which I referred.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 14:51

What worries me about this is the DP's attitude. He wants the OP to provide his DS with a lump sum when he hasn't even made much of an effort to find and have contact with his son. Yes, I know some men are denied access blah blah blah but he doesn't even seem to have made the effort. Nor does he seem to want to provide for his DS with money of his own that will be freed up by the OP taking over half of the bills.

An inheritance isn't automatically family money, it belongs to the person who it is given to and is theirs to do with as they decide. If my DC inherited money I would never dream of claiming it as family money. I wonder what he would do if the OP's GF had left some/all of the money directly to his DGGD. Would he be insisting that half of it was put aside for his DS.

happyinherts · 30/03/2011 14:51

Mr Spoc - analogy isnt relevant. In your example, yes of course your girlfriend should get some of it - but not her child by another partner who she hadn't seen in years

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:51

He's already benefitting from the windfall as it is, in that he'll live mortgage-free and pay half the bills.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:52

and at some point 3b or 4b, you spend a small amount on a decent non-lavish wedding, because, who needs a lavish wedding.

Portofino · 30/03/2011 14:52

Mr Spoc - that is not the same at all. This is a child that the OP has never met, and one that the DP cannot be bothered to seek out. Why should that child get a share in her GF's money? The DP already contributes to the child from the joint family money.

RunAwayWife · 30/03/2011 14:55

So if his Ex had a winfull will she have to give your child a lump sum!!!!!!

YOUR dp IS BEING A GRASPING IDIOT

spongefingerssavedmylife · 30/03/2011 14:56

Hully - I hope your own children don't one day find that they don't have enough money for a deposit on a house or to pay uni fees when they could have done if you hadn't given the money to other people's children!

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 14:57

This is so odd. Why should someone set aside part of a family inheritance for the child of her boyfriend that he hasn't seen in 6 years- therefore a child you don't know who has never slept in your house. Your DP has no claim/right to any of the money, so why should a child he never sees? If he was asking for the money to go towards legal fees so he could fight to see his child I would understand it, but he wants you to pay family money for his child?????

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 15:03

Yanbu

Deux · 30/03/2011 15:03

OP, have you sought legal advice?

I really think you need to make a will given that your assets are significantly greater than your DP's.

You then need to make another will once you are married; what would you want to happen to your estate if you predeceased your DH? What if you both died at the same time? What would happen to your estate, etc etc.

lubeybooby · 30/03/2011 15:06

I think contact with his son NOW is far more important than money in the future. If he waits to track him down theres every chance the son will tell him to jog on! I would if that was my dad suddenly popping up offering money. The lazy, thoughtless cheek of it!

Use the money to track down and get a contact order for his son.

RhiRhi123 · 30/03/2011 15:10

This is getting heated. I inputed a few pages back and have just read the rest with a few laughs. I can't wait till I'm in this position which is bound to happen being a SM. However to save all of the above stress I think I may just spend the money on chanel handbags to save arguments :o although who would inherit those Hmm

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 15:10

Would he work extra on eve or satarday to pay for his son's future since it is so important to him?Hmm

Would he work extra hours to fund the wedding? (like many people do)

I think he is lucky.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 15:13

I'd be worried about marrying him - if this is his attitute to your money now, how entitled will he feel once he's your DH?

HHLimbo · 30/03/2011 15:19

I agree your boyfriend has no claim on this money, much less a child of your boyfriend who he hasnt even bothered to maintain contact with. Are you sure this child even exists?

Pay off the mortgage and save the rest to pay for the wedding and future rainy days/security. If your partner wants to save for his son and legal fees etc, he is now even more able to do so. Whether he chooses to or not is his responsibility not yours.

In the future, if a relationship is establised with the child, the child will benefit from his fathers care, and you will still have the money available to contribute in an appropriate way.

schroeder · 30/03/2011 15:19

Crumbs some people have very funny ideas about money don't they?
The idea that a married couple's assets are perfectly blended is absurd.

Of course the OP is NBU, she is not the child's stepmother.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 15:23

A married couples assets are blended. its 50/50 are have i got that wrong

HHLimbo · 30/03/2011 15:27

They are not married. (yet)

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 15:27

Wrong MrSpoc. If you go into a marriage with an asset eg a house already paid for it isn't an asset of the marriage.

NinkyNonker · 30/03/2011 15:28

I think if she inherits before they are married it goes in as her's. Different if it all goes into a mortgage perhaps...