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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
babylann · 30/03/2011 15:30

Only read the first page, but would like to say YANBU, I wouldn't do it either.

Sweetpea215 · 30/03/2011 15:30

Lessnark - nor should it...unless the owner adds the name of his/her partner.

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 15:34

I wouldn't marry this man.

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 15:39

Also i am wondering how much he earns, if he lives mortgage-free, doesn't have to pay for the wedding etc he should be able to save £5 a week.

Most people i know work for the mortgage/rent and childcare. These two things eat the salaries. And then they do overtime or second job to fund a wedding/holidays/savings.

NotActuallyAMum · 30/03/2011 15:41

I'm with ENormaSnob, I wouldn't marry him either

4FoxAche · 30/03/2011 15:42

I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if someone has already asked this but:

If he's payingthe CSA every month like you said then why can't he find ou where his son lives from them?

I know my dp's ex always gets our new address from the csa (even though we've already given it to her Hmm

Anyway, that aside.... All children in a family should be treated equally so yes, IMO you should be putting money aside for your partners son as well as your dd.

LoveLeonardCohen · 30/03/2011 15:45

YANBU....you are already using the inheritance to pay off the mortgage and put towards wedding...goodness what more does your DH want?

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 15:46

The fundamental issue to me seems to be whether the money inherited from the grandfather is the OP's money, or the OP's family unit's money (ignoring the legality of whether they are married or not).

If the former, she can do what she likes with it, and give some to the DSS if she likes (that's an ethical question for OP's conscience). However, if it's the latter, then I think she is honour bound to give money to DSS

4FoxAche · 30/03/2011 15:46

I can't believe how many people here are saying that she shouldn't put money away for this child.

There's so many children in this world that I feel sorry for if they end up with step parents like some of you lot.

How can anyone say the op's dd is more important? She isn't and never will be. The children should be treated equally whether they see the son or not.

solo · 30/03/2011 15:48

I can't read 10 pages; I've just read one...

Is your house in both of your names? because it's likely that your Dss will inherit part of your house sometime (way ahead) in the future (even if he's not). If you separate (divorce) Dp will be most likely taking half of everything you have...
Speaking as someone who has been whipped financially by several (now ex)h's, I think YANBU. If I'd stayed with Dd's father who has another grown up daughter, I would definitely not have wanted her to get any inheritance I might get in the future.

4FoxAche · 30/03/2011 15:49

Ermmm, loveleonard he wants both of his children to be treated fairly. That's what he wants.

And anyone who says the children shouldn't be treated equally should be ashamed o themselves.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 15:52

If you married he would not be entitled to any of your inheritance if you divorced it was left to you to do with as you wish.

I would not in your position put money aside for a child I never saw. If your boyfriend wants to do it he can, but you shouldn't.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 15:53

finaly some more sane people have joined the debate.

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/03/2011 15:53

I agree with 4FoxAche and others who have said similar things.

I can't believe some posters are actually saying 'I wouldn't marry him' over this!

Most of all, OP, please do encourage your fiance to try again for contact, however discouraged he has been about this previously.

And Spongefingers, I think that is not a very nice post.

RhiRhi123 · 30/03/2011 15:58

It's not about the children being treated equally. If they had contact with the DSS then I imagine that for the time he was with them he would be loved and treated equally.
It is about the fact that the OP has NEVER met the DSS and her DP hasn't seen him for 4 years which may not be entirely his fault. If the OP walked past the boy in the street she wouldn't know him from Adam! However the OP HAS said that once the mortgage has been paid her DP should put his spare money into a savings account which would otherwise surely be classed as family money as if it wasn't going away for DSS it may be used for a holiday for the family etc so she is contributing in that way by going without things the money could otherwise be spent on. You are definately NBU OP you are being very fair infact. If this money had never been inherited you would contine to pay the mortgage and your DH would continue to put nothing away for DSS OR DD due to circumstances. I'm due to have DD in a few weeks time and I plan to try and put away a small amount for her each week out of my SMP if circumstances allow. Am I supposed to be doing this for DSS to??

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:09

'And anyone who says the children shouldn't be treated equally should be ashamed o themselves.'

Are you serious? If the DP was saving for one child and not the other it would be unfair. That's not the case. It is not her DP's money in any way, shape or form. It's her money, not their money. And the way she describes the arrangements for bills they do not pool all their cash.

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 16:09

4FoxAche - Being honest, yes my DD is currently more important to me than a child I do not know and have never met. I am more than willing to support my DP in trying to trace his ex & setting up contact, and of course if that happens I know I will feel differently and will happily work out some way to make it fair for all involved. It is hard for me to feel like I should prioritise a child I do not know, who my partner hasn't had contact with for 4 years, over my own child.

Solo - No, the house is in my name only, and I am the one paying the mortgage.

As I have said previously, my DP has never behaved as a 'money-grabber' before, I think it was just an automatic reaction to me saying we should set something up for our DD, and he thought the same should happen for his son. We will talk it through more tonight, and hopefully have a better idea of how to proceed.

Maybe I should just spend it all on chanel handbags.... Wink

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/03/2011 16:11

If the Op and her partner split up, and the daughters father went on to meet someone else, and this someone else inherited money from a grandparent, would the Op expect her daughter to get a share? I doubt it.

The boy in this has a mother who may or may not have grandparents for him to inherit from. The partner may or may not have the same. The OP should be under no obligation to give money to a child that is not hers.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 16:11

If you have to do something it shouldn't be the same amount, his son has other grandparents onother parent. YOur daughter has you and your partner. If you have to I would opt for half of what your daughter gets put away.

He should however if he is interested be being a proper father not one who has no contact with his child at all, if he is that interested he should make he effort money alone wont cut it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 16:12

Put the money aside for "the future".. none of you know what that will hold. You might end up having a couple of sets of triplets or something - in which case putting all that money in a fund for your dd alone would be unfair on 7 people Grin

In the meantime, your dp/dh will have some £££s more each month than he does now - he should invest that (much as the friend I mentioned up thread did).

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:12

Yes. He's going to get free housing out of her inheritance, it will pay for their wedding and will only have to pay half the household bills. Which will leave him money to put aside for his other child. But he doesn't want that. He wants her to put her money aside for his child, which he can't even be bothered to see.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 16:13

I am The Voice Of Reason btw.

In case you hadn't noticed.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 16:15

From what I can see he said he doesn't want to do that because the op wanted to put the money into a fund for her dd alone

If the money went into a general pot, he might see things differently.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:18

No, she wanted to put what was left into a fund for her DD:

'It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc. '

plopplopquack · 30/03/2011 16:22

What a mean, nasty bunch of people!

I keep seeing over and over on MN women being resentful of their partners children from previous relationships. It seems when money is involved it gets even worse.

Disgusting and dispicable.

And what's worse if someone (like MrSpoc) disagrees with you, you pick on his spelling and grammer! As if that justifies your own nastiness!