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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
happyinherts · 30/03/2011 14:37

Hully - the OP can choose whether to give to DP's son or not as she wishes.

The fact that DP asked or made this wish known is what gets some people's goat. It is insensitive. She has lost her grandfather.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 30/03/2011 14:37

YANBU. Utter drivel to say that you should leave the same amount of money to your dps son. Bonkers!

And I think you need to go on your own to see an independent financial advisor to make sure that your assests are properly protected. Which doesn't mean you can't be generous to your stepson (hardly seems appropriate term if your DP doesn't see him), just that there is no reason why you 'owe' him anything other than kindness if he does become part of your lives. DP sounds like a freeloader to me!

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:37

The child has a mother a father, and grandparents.
Why get money from the grandparents of daddys new girlfriend?

Surely the mother of the child is not going to let her own grandfathers inheritance go to the ops daughter, on the basis that it is her childs step sister?

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:38

she lost her GF over a year ago. this aint just her money but the family money.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:38

sorry not step sister, half sister

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:38

Expecting an equal relationship = lets spend your money on the child I can't be arsed to maintain contact with.

Doesn't sound very equal to me, sounds like he's taking advantage.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:40

"I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will."

This is what the op said.

She suggested her fiance take FROM THE FAMILY MONEY and save for his son. But this is not good enough. Fiance wants MORE.

That is greedy. And op is already generous.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:40

She is being equal with her partner. Hmm

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 14:40

Hully

The OP currently pays the mortgage and her DP the bills. If the OP pays off the mortgage, as she plans to, then she will start paying half the bills. This means that her DP will then have money left over which he could put away in an a/c for his DS.

OP YANBU

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 14:40

Are some of you saying that op's stepson should have 3 people giving him money - 4 if his mum has a partner? Oh and if that partner gets any inheritance then he should give it to his stepson too.
Op's child has ONE mum. Who was sensible with money and worked hard. I think she has the right to ensure security for herself and her child.

I really hope that she does.

piprabbit · 30/03/2011 14:41

"Surely the mother of the child is not going to let her own grandfathers inheritance go to the ops daughter, on the basis that it is her childs half sister" - good point Quint.

skaen · 30/03/2011 14:41

YANBU. The fact that you will be paying off the mortgage and you have suggested that your partner should put some money aside for his son out of the money saved by not having a mortgage means that he could save up.

I agree with the others though. Keep it in your own name for the moment and then do whatever you like with it - share it out between as many children as you want when they are adults.

IF DH and I were to split up and marry other people, I would certainly not expect any inheritance received by his wife to be passed on to my and DH's children in the same way that any inheritance DH received to go equally to any children.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:41

Can't resist popping back to make an important point for Florence. I send money regulalry to three children I don't see, two are the result of my brother's casual drunken sperms some years ago, one is the child of a friend.

In mine and my dp's wills there is provision made for two children who aren't even his, but his stepchildren from a previous relationship.

Imagine! We give money to children with whom we share not a single drop of blood! Because we see ourselves as grown up and bearing a responsibility towards them.

Phone the men in white coats at once.

NonnoMum · 30/03/2011 14:41

YANBU!

I assume your DP's son has 4 grandparents - they can leave their money to him.

Your GF left his money to you and you can then choose to share it with your child.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:43

'this aint just her money but the family money.'

What family? It's hers as she is not married to the OP and no other legal provision has been made. If she drops dead, it's the daughter's until she marries the partner.

She told him she'll pay the mortgage off then they half the bills, so he has a sum to save for his son, which, invested well and with luck, might be even more than what the inheritance brings to the daughter.

But nope, he'd rather not.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:44

It doesn't matter if the child has 47 billionaire relations. The groom to be is his father and wants to provide for him as for the other child.

And for all you know the mother and her putative relations might be broke.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:44

Good for you, Hully.

Others don't do the same or cannot.

Hardly a crime.

happyinherts · 30/03/2011 14:45

Hully - who you choose to give money, donate to, leave money for is entirely YOUR choice. No one asked you to.

The OP's partner has made his wishes known. She has discussed paying off expenses which will free up his money - but no, he wants more. Who's being greedy, mean, insensitive here.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:45

'The groom to be is his father and wants to provide for him as for the other child.'

With money someone else earned and which he did not inherit.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:46
RunAwayWife · 30/03/2011 14:46

I think he has a bloody cheek, you should not have to give your money to his child, he can make allowances for his child, you should not have to.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 30/03/2011 14:46

Well there's one good thing... at least your DP gets to see you for what you are before he marries you.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 14:47

The ops fiance has not seen his son for 4 years, the mum could be married by now. The mum could have chosen to cut contact to let her son grow up in a secure family unit with her new man and possibly other children. We dont know that. The child may already be benefitting from the financial input of mum, stepdad, and possible inheritances on both sides.

The child might not actually need the money of his half sisters great grandfather.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:48

ignore the marriage for one minute.

She is in a serious relationship, has a child together, live together contribute together as a family. To me this suggests that they want to be together forever. The marriage don't mean shit (ok it does for legal reasons).

So lets say i had a girlfriend and i was with her for 20 years, never bothered to marry but we had children, lived together and was a couple in every way except a piece of bloody paper, then i won the lottery, does that mean she should not get any of it?

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:49

'Well there's one good thing... at least your DP gets to see you for what you are before he marries you.'

And she him.