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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:23

its not a male/female issue at all. Hmm

and I'm another one who would never marry a man who had no contact with his child, and I'm not ashamed to say so.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:24

Thats your view of it Hully. I wound't consider myself to have more responsibility to his kid than he does, why would I?

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:24

Plenty of men don't have contact with their dc. Not through their own choice. Try to think a little.

ineedagoodsolicitor · 30/03/2011 14:25

Do you not see that the dp has made no mention of attempting to accumulate a lump sum for his own ds until this no hassle solution presented itself ?

If the dp had 3 or 4 or 5 other children or would you still expect the OP to provide for them all out of her parents' family's money ? How do you think her parents would feel seeing so much of their father's money being dished out to a completely different family tree. Once you inherit, true it is yours to do with as you see fit and the OP has her opinion on what she would be happy with doing with the money.

The OP is providing her dp with the ability to save for his ds, if he prefers not to why should she compensate by offering a lump sum ? So as not to appear mean-spirited ?

If my husband re-married and had more dc who then benefitted from an inheritance his wife received I'd have absolutely no problem with that. I'd see it as right and proper, anything over and above would be exceptional and I'd wonder if he hadn't guilt tripped his second wife into it, leaving a taint to the money.

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 14:25

hully - you don't know that the OP's DP doesn't want to disrupt the child with constant pursuit. That's a total assumption - she didn't mention that in her OP.

I live in a world where I would treat my children and my step-children equally if I were helping to bring them up, not if I'd never met them.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:25

'expatinscotland what now you have kids and end up on your own, what would you say i a man had your attitude?'

MrSpoc, if my husband dropped dead, another man would be the last thing on my mind. And, tbh, if I did date again, I'd not be interested in a man who didn't have children himself, especially because I'd be about 50 years old, if not more, in such a case.

And if a man didn't want to go out with me because I had children, it wouldn't bother me a jot. The world has about 3bn men in it. Where there's not one, there's another.

BFD.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 30/03/2011 14:26

It doesn't sound like the poor kid has had much of a start in life, and as my stepson I would make some provision for him.

Uggh, I can't stand meanness Angry

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:26

Florence - For the last time (do you actually read ANY posts?)

They are about to get married. Ergo they have chosen to share their lives and responsibilities. Share with love and kindness, one hopes. The child is her dp's responsibility and by marrying him becomes hers also by extension.

It is sad to think otherwise.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:27

Christine - she says it later.

Sweetpea215 · 30/03/2011 14:27

Completely agree with expat and Nij.

My husband would be the same if I inherited a large amount....he would insist first of all that it was MY money...and would want me to do with it what I wanted...he would not make any claims either for himself or anyone else.

I think there are one or two people here merely to get/goad a reaction....
Tend to completely ignore people like that.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:27

Its not meaness. I could accuse you of meanness for not giving money to every single charity who asks, or not buying 20 big issues every day. Hmm

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:28

Do you mean me?

I assure you I took my vows seriously (or I wouldn't have made them), and anything dp and I get we bestow upon each other. I can understand it may be hard for you to accept/believe that not everyone is selfish and horrid.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:29

What is it, then? If not meanness?

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:30

So it's selfish and horrid to not give lump sums of money you've inherited to your partner's child whom you've not met?

Okay.

Hmm
FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:30

Yes, if they get married they have chosen to share their responsibilities. However what you want is for her to now BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED to take over his responsibilities towards his child. She has said that if they use it to pay off the house he will have more money to save for his own child. WITH THEIR THEN JOINT MONEY.
Conveniently ignoring that aren't you?

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 14:30

Apologies hully - have been dipping in and out of this thread and didn't see the OP's updates.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:31

No, she says there isn't anything left to save as he earns little.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:32

yes its very hard to believe that not everyone is selfish and horrid, cos I'm a moron. Hmm

Have you actually any experience of step families, or children without contact with their fathers? are you just spewing meaningless uninformed rhetoric about things you know little about?

I'm guessing the latter.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:32

No worries, I'm off now anyway before my blood pressure gets totally out of control.

Ommmmmmmmmmmmm

Love and peace to you all. Even though you've made the Baby Jesus sad. Bet you'd have all told him not to share his loaves and fishes with people he'd never met, huh?

Portofino · 30/03/2011 14:32

I think of it this way - should the money that OP's GF presumably worked hard all his life for, and was fortunate enough to be able leave to his GC - be given (in equal measure) to someone that no-one in his family has ever met, at the expense of his own flesh and blood?

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:33

There isn't anything left to save NOW, but there will be if she pays off the house and takes some of the bills from him. Do you read the posts at all?

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:33

Florenece, I'm afraid that once again all the information you require has already been posted. Do try to read and think before posting.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:34

And now I really am going.

Enjoy.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:34

same to you dear, you might catch up with the point. Haven't you got a long lost cousins somewhere you should be sending a fifty to?

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:36

Hully i think we should duck out as no one understands that we expect and equal relationship with our partners no matter what the situation is. May be we are just, well more human :)

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