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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 16:23

Jenai - Yes, I think he may see it differently if I say I would prefer to keep hold of the money for the moment rather than put it straight into a fund for DD. I don't think either of us had really thought it through properly, we were just chatting about how much would be left over after the mortgage is paid. Will be better to discuss it all with a financial advisor.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 16:26

plopplopquack - I'm not resentful of the child, I've just never met him! I am not an evil stepmother from a fairytale, I'm just someone trying to work out how to do this all in a fair way.

OP posts:
exquisiy · 30/03/2011 16:26

I agree with how you feel. I feel YANBU BUT as has already been said it is the package of being a stepmum isn't it and in the end it is only money. However, because I feel YANBU I like .....Guitars idea of putting money away instead of in your dd fund. You never know what might happen in the future and the relationship(s) you may or may not have including with your stepson.
How lovely to have so much money that it has become a problem Smile but don't let it come between you.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 30/03/2011 16:27

*What a mean, nasty bunch of people!

I keep seeing over and over on MN women being resentful of their partners children from previous relationships. It seems when money is involved it gets even worse.

Disgusting and dispicable.*

I completely agree Sad

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:27

How is it mean, nasty or resentful to say that someone doesn't have to put her money into a trust for her Boyfriend's child?????

solo · 30/03/2011 16:28

Moneydilemma, stop feeling 'funny' about sorting a pre nup; you'd feel far more 'funny' giving up something you'd worked bloody hard for long before meeting your man and having to start again. I would never not have a pre nup in the future. If my mortgage continues without any further troubles (ha!), then I will have been paying it for 36 years when it ends...all down to bloody men! Pre nup all the way for me in future!!!

plopplopquack · 30/03/2011 16:29

moneydilemma I didn't mean you at all! You just seem like someone trying to work out what to do. It's all the people who have jumped to the conclusion that your DH is a money grabbing, lazy, selfish man. I'm sure you wouldn't be about to marry him if that was the case. It seems to me that he just wants his two children to be treated the same. And why wouldn't he.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:29

So if your children's fathers go and move in with wealthy women you'll all expect a cheque in the post?

CPtart · 30/03/2011 16:29

YANBU. I would feel exactly the same. Your DP is doing very nicely out of this. Nothing to stop him saving for his DS himself, he should be doing this anyway as his father, whether he sees his son or not.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:31

I'd be a lot more concerned about being in a realtionship with someone who isn't fighting to see their 6 year old child and who hasn't seen them for 4 years

AyeRobot · 30/03/2011 16:31

Why should the OP put her partner's son on the priority list when he doesn't? An occasional search on 192.com and paying a bit of CSA calculated dosh does not a committed father make.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 16:34

OP you should at least talk to a solicitor to find out more about a prenup.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 16:35

I wouldn't mind having this dilemma...

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 16:39

Who said he does not hold his child as priority. Some people are blinkered. the Op even said he has been trying to gain contact but has failed due to the Ex moving around more than once.

If the ex does not want to be found then Ops partner will have a very hard time finding her in this big wide world. See we are still looking for Osama Bin laden and no one can find him even with half the worlds resources.

megapixels · 30/03/2011 16:39

YANBU. It is not upto the OP to be treating both children equally, because they are NOT both hers. The DP should be treating them equally, which means providing for them equally with his money. This guy seems to be getting a cool ride living nicely off the OP and now he wants to take her grandfather's money and put some away for his child who is not even a part of his life.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 16:41

LessNarkyPuffin if DP ran off with, ummm, Rianna, and she bacame ds's stepmother, then yes I'd expect ds to benefit financially when he turned 18.

The thing is we just don't know what the situation will be in 12/16 years time. I just don't think the decision needs to be made right now.

And we simply do not know how much effort the OP's dp has put into trying to see his son. My friend (I mentioned him upthread) struggled for years to see his. It was a very tricky situation. Not all absent parents are feckless, heartless bastards.

babylann · 30/03/2011 16:43

If I had inherited any money from my grandparents, I know their wish wouldn't be for me to spend it on a child I had never met - they loved me and wanted me to be happy - and especially if I had a child of my own, why should their future trust fund be cut to pay for a child they have never met, either. In fact, I think my dear grandma would be spinning in her grave at even the thought that my DP would even ask me.

But they never left me anything anyway, they had nothing to leave! Smile

itsalarf · 30/03/2011 16:44

I don't know if this has been said, but in so many threads everyone declares that "all money is joint money", especially when a man has made some inappropriate comment about his wife or partner not working. Does this same argument not apply? If the OP has concerns about her DP, that is really a separate issue, and for her to think about.

Probably, I would not put the money aside for DD either. I would invest or save, and then when DD and maybe his son are grown, you can decide then. Things can change so much. Your DD is young, who knows how things may turn out?

AyeRobot · 30/03/2011 16:45

Give me a break, MrSpoc. It's about time we raised the bar a bit. Imagine how that kid would feel if he tracks down his father at aged 18 and asks why he didn't try to find him and he said "Your mum wasn't on the electoral roll. But it's OK, here's a few grand I got your stepmum to put by for you". I would have no qualms agreeing with the son if he said the father was taking the piss.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 16:50

AyeRobot - He has tried to find his son but the ex has moved location more than once. At least if his son finds his dad when he is 18, his dad can say he tried all he could and that he was always thinking about him. He even put a little money to one side in the hope he would meet with him again.

(the money does not make up for all the years lost between then. it aint either of thier fault but at least it shows the son was never far from his fathers eyes).

Same senario but for some reason I think the son would be more receptive to this version. What do you think?

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 16:52

He hasn't tried that hard and it's not his money he has put aside, it's the OP's.

diddl · 30/03/2011 16:53

"It is not upto the OP to be treating both children equally, because they are NOT both hers. The DP should be treating them equally, which means providing for them equally with his money."

Well, I suppose it depends if you think of the inheritance as joint money or not.

Certainly OPs partner will benefit & as said could perhaps start putting money away himself now-& OP might feel like boosting that which would be lovely.

Money can do funny things to people.

If my MIL has her way, it´s unlikely that my husband (only child) would inherit-she would rather it go to our children than that I should benefit in any way!

Although knowing that my children had some money would benefit my peace of mind!

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 16:53

How would you know how hared he has tried?

The Op even said herself that he has tried dam hard but its fruitless.

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 16:54

LessNarkyPuffin - I haven't put full details of how he's tried to track his ex down, but it's been more than just electoral role searches. He's hit brick walls all along the way. To be honest if someone wants to disappear, they can. We have no idea what's happened over the past 4 years, she may have changed her name, got married, had more children, even moved abroad - who knows?

The CSA can't give out her address or phone number without a court order, and we weren't in the position to be able to afford legal proceedings in the past. As we will be shortly, that's certainly something to look at.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 16:56

I am glad moneydilemma that you cleared that up. i just think that some posters are projecting their bad relationships onto your partner.

I still think do as you said i.e Marriage, wedding then save until the children come of age then decide. If his son is around then great if not then you have nothing to feel guilty about