I really can't do this anymore... how can I tell them?

[marriednotdead]

I posted this last night in the teenager section but would really appreciate some feedback so I'm braving AIBU for the first time. Please be gentle with me
Back story here and within that thread. Sorry if this is long.

DSS is 14, has lived with us for over 2 years, and creates havoc wherever he goes.
He's still not in mainstream school, we've been turned down for a statement and he has no school place at the end of this academic year. The police know him too well although he has yet to be caught doing anything, but it's only a matter of time.

The rows about his defiant behaviour are daily so DH has become a bitter and angry man who snaps at me and can see no pleasure in life. I had a small op in hospital last week and declined an early discharge because I knew I would be coming home to a warzone

The night after I came home I lost it after listening to them yet again, and told them both that I was upset that DH couldn't even care for me properly as he was consumed with all the drama. I fled to bed in tears with DH telling DSS that I would end up leaving him
Nothing changed, the shouting continued.

On Friday I woke to find DSS packing to leave. I asked him where he was going, he said 'never mind'. I sat with him and explained that he couldn't go like that, and that until another adult took responsibility for him, we had to know where he was or we'd have to report him missing. I hugged him, we talked for ages, and he told me not to try and make him stay again; he never wanted to be here in the first place.

I rang DH to tell him, and advised him to call SS. They'd closed the case despite our requests, and put him onto the duty social worker. After a few calls she rang back to say DSS's mum had offered share care 'to ease our burden'. As she's the cause of most of the problems, that's like offering an alcoholic keys to the pub!

Today DH was on the phone to SS again, telling them that he wants help, but that if DSS is given a foster placement that he will run away (so that won't work).

I realise that although I was devastated, I was relieved when I thought that DSS was going, and I'm gutted that he's still here. I know that sounds awful but walk a mile in my shoes...

I am going to have to be a cold hearted bitch and insist that he goes, even if it means foster care. I was ignored when I said it last summer, and it's worse now than ever. It's not fair on any of us, and my DCs deserve a life that doesn't resemble an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I am in tears over the slightest thing, and DH is oblivious to anything but his own pain.

I don't think he realises how determined I am to push this, and it's going to cause fireworks. He will only discuss it on his own terms ATM, so I envisage telling him at the same time I tell SS.

I almost want him to leave with DSS and right now I haven't got the energy to even care.

If you've got this far, well done. I hope you've got a large . It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.

So, AIBU to insist DSS goes?

Any thoughts, comments, virtual shakes gratefully received...

Does your dh want his son to stay with him?
If he does, it may mean you and your husband seperating.

I speak as a former step mother and when I found it too much, it never entered my mind that dss had to go, but rather me and dp had to find seperate accommodation.

Lot less stress now and we're all a bit more settled and happier.

Would this be an option for you?

I wouldn't like to ask any parent to choose between their spouse and their child. You clearly see the boy as 'his DS' rather then 'my DC' - and that can't help the situation. Whatever the solution is, you have to agree on it as a couple or you'll be driven even further apart.

No, YANBU. If he doesn't want to be there and is causing much distress and upset in the rest of the family's life, then perhaps it is best for him to go.
I don't really know what else to say, some kind of ?

Actually, it sounds more like it's your DH who is causing more distress than your DSS...

Oh god, this sounds awful. I really feel for you and can understand why you want DSS to leave. It doesn't sound as though your OH is listening to you, your DSS isn't listening to anyone and you/your DC are getting lost in the drama.
I can't offer any pearls of wisdom as I have no experience. But I'd hope that there is a parentline or counselling service that can offer mediation between all of you to find a suitable solution or at the very least give you all the chance to voice your views and wishes without row or interruption.
How old are your DC? Do you have HV that can be 'your' outlet of frustration and perhaps be able to help you find a way forward?

I have never been in your position, and hope I never will be.

However, I need to ask.......if your DSS was your own child would you view this situation differently?
Your Dc's are your DSS siblings too and from your post it appears your home life is a complete mess at the minute, have you considered family therapy?
Has your DSS said what he would like to happen?

Do SS have a buddy thing or befriender scheme type thing or perhaps they know of an organisation that does this, think its meant to provide a positive role model closer to their own age.
Although I realise it may be too little too late.

Had a read of your previous threads...it seems that you and your husband have done everything you can in trying to get anything sorted for this boy, and you've come to the end of your tether. Which, tbh, I would have come to a very long time ago.
He is still a minor, an incredibly fucked up one by the sounds of it. But how far that has to ruin your life, I don't know.
Because it is, right now from the sounds of it.
Even if he stays, he has, what, 2 years before he can "legally" run away, which I imagine, given his past behaviour, is exactly what he'll do anyway unless something big changes.
I wouldn't know what to suggest, but wanted to offer sympathy and tell you you are not being unreasonable for not wanting this anymore.

I'd be incliined to say that whether it's a case of DSS going or of you taking your DC and moving out something needs to be done if the situation is impacting on your DC and you can see no other way of resolving it. Mine won't be the popular view I suspect but I'm of the belief that when push comes to shove a parent has a responsibility to their own children first and foremost. It's something which I would think long and hard about but I wouldn't feel guilty about doing.

You say that DSS isn't in mainstream school etc... where is he at the moment then? Does that situation and the uncertainty surrounding it have a bearing on recent events?

I think it'll have to be a case of your DH finding somewhere to stay for him and his son.

It seems wrong to let the boy go, and worse because he has no where realistically to go. The only chance that boy has is to have his dad all to himself, and hope that this stability and lack of competition can find the decent young man that is in there somewhere.

Try it. A year.

It doesn't mean that you and DH are split, FGS don't put that onto his shoulders as well, it means that DSS is important enough to his dad that he needs to devote proper time to him.

As horrific as his behaviour is, don't give up on him. Tell DH he has to do this and that it will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for not shredding me, your responses have made me cry.

DH has had enough too, but is is desperately hoping for a miracle that I have accepted will not happen

My DD is 24, in the middle of her PGCE and desperate to get away from the madness whilst worried about leaving me. DS is 14, has high functioning AS and has to share his bedroom with someone who sometimes he gets on great with, and sometimes is bullied by.

Chil, I am the product of a woman who made that choice so I am the last person to want to do that myself. I love my DSS and he is more secure in that knowledge than that of his mother, who rejects him at a whim on a regular basis.

We've involved so many outside agencies in a bid to get him back on track, but to no avail. It's like watching a car crash and being unable to stop it

We cannot afford to live seperately but I am on the verge of telling DH that he will have to take DSS to live elsewhere if his mother or SS will not take him. I can't believe it's come to this...

I feel invisible, my feelings and that of my other DCs seem to count for nothing.

god this is horrible,my ds 1 was a nightmare and even i felt like you do,just wanted him to go but be safe too,its a nightmare,he stole everything to sell for weed and was abusive,i spent my entire pg with dd sitting up wondering where he was or picking him up from dubious places.My dh was his step parent and did stay but i used to wonder why he did tbh.Im not sure i would be able to stick it out id he had been my dss.
There is so little support for this type of problem i have acouple of friends who are going thru the same thing,one who's dd attacked her for the umpteenth time so her dh slapped her,she called the police and they now face procecution,my job is too work with families like yours and even i dont know how to help.
Not very helpfull but i just want you to know you are nbu,maybe you need to cut your losses before it affects your own dcs.

Shredding you?
You deserve a bloody medal if you ask me!

Thanks Bucharest. I lost any perspective ages ago although the words 'I don't envy you' ring in my ears often.

I predict that DSS will be locked up before he reaches school leaving age- if he makes it that far .
He's in a PRU type place that doesn't go beyond Yr 9 and DH thinks he'll be worse if he goes to the main PRU in September. He's already truanting.

DH agrees with me to a point but can't quite give up. I truly understand that but it's not helping any of us.

Hi Married,

I have no idea where you are location wise, but perhaps a call to these guy's could help:

www.walthamforest.gov.uk/index/education/schools-colleges/social-inclusion/davis-school.htm

They specialise in working towards a return to mainstream schooling or post16 college/work placement following PRU education.
Does DSS have an interest........ie, not considering stealing cars but perhaps a placement in a garage? (not saying that is what he does, I just mean to feed the negative in a positive way).

Really feel for you. x

I had a feeling that you were going to say that he's in a PRU. From what I have learned they often make things worse rather than better, depending on the quality of care and education. I wonder about the wisdom of sticking troublesome children together in one establishment, but that's another story.

Is there no way that your DH can appeal the statement decision? Or find alternative schooling provision, even if that means that he gives up his job to home educate? It may well make all the difference in the world.

A PRU was insisted upon by my LA for DD2 when she was out of school having snapped after being bullied for years. It was NOT an option as far as I was concerned and I spent 6 traumatic but worthwhile months fighting the LA to provide an alternative and home edding in the meantime. Eventually DD was placed into a private school specifically for children who have been severely bullied in mainstream school. Had she not have been I would have had to continue HE-ing as, despite the drain on my resources as a lone parent of 2, a PRU placement would have caused a breakdown in DD2 and of the family.

I don't think that anyone can ever over-estimate the effect of a school upon a child AND his family and the difference that teh RIGHT environment can make.

I know this is going to sound trite, but I'm offering it for consideration - my brother was a bit like this when he was a child - my dad would constantly yell at him for being disruptive and damaging to the family and he would end up being more and more unruly - later he confided in me that for years everyone was telling him that everything about him was wrong, his personality should be different, the way he behaved should be different, what he thought should be different - in essence who he was was always 'incorrect' and that just drove him insane and made him feel so low his only way to kick himself out of feeling hated all the time was to stay angry and embrace that hatred, when in fact he felt incredibly sad that he was so powerful as to destroy everything around him but didn't know what else to do.

One person I met lived next door to a boy who once damaged her car - she was amazing about it and wrote a letter to him with a present saying that it must be an awful being him at the moment and she really felt for him and to not worry about the car, because he was obviously very angry and she thought that was awful for him, and she hoped the present would mean that not everyone was against him. He went quiet for weeks and was shyly friends with her afterwards. I'm not saying she found the cure, but there must have been something in that approach that you might be able to cling on to - this sounds an awful situation..

I have no idea what to say that can help except I feel very sympathetic towards you and it sounds like you have given this your all before deciding enough is enough. Whatever you do, I am sure it will be the right decision, no matter how scary it must feel at times.

hi
havent read whole thread or links to previous.

i'm having trouble with dd who is 14. come out of nowhere really,but she has had lots of police involvement and a ss asessment

we now have a FIT worker who is yet to start the work she says will improve dd,but we also have youth offending team involved. they will also address the truanting too

could you try and get them involved? i'm told they are effective and WILL work. not sure myself,but have to go with it.

youth offending team aim to put kids back on right track,i think you can contact them via local police. if you say he's heading for trouble,then if they step in now,then they may be able to turn this around......worth a try?

Sorry if I have misread. Your daughter is 24 and doing a post graduate degree, and your dss is 14?
Well done for managing this so far.

Do you and your partner have children together?
Do you work?

Seeing as your daughter has been an adult for, well 6 years, is there a chance that she can move out to get the peace and quiet she requires to complete her education? Can she get a part time job? Can you and her move into a 2 bed flat together to give you (and her) some breathing space?

There is no reason why you should all stay in the marital home in this situation. You can alternate between living with your husband and dss and your daughter.

"I am going to have to be a cold hearted bitch and insist that he goes"

You are not being cold hearted or a bitch. You are being assertive. It is not you who have created this situation, but DSS. He could undo all this in a heartbeat, if he wanted to.

Sometimes kids push against, just to see how far they can go. Sometimes you have to let them take the consequences. How else do they learn?

Can you phrase your ultimation in such a way that there is wriggle room. Do not insist that he goes. Insist that his behaviour goes, and if that means that he has to go too then so be it. Thus, if he changes his tack (so the onus is on him, not you), you will always welcome him back. It leaves the door open.

Ok, just had a bath and a breather

Chelston, am in London but not that area. He loves music but not positive- rap full of foul language and negativity. His deputy head (Ed Psych) has warned us against it but powerless to stop him listening to it. He's great in the kitchen, and I've said he should aim for a catering based placement which can be done at the local college on day release from PRU.

DH could not HE, he's not academic enough and is too impatient. He took over 6 months off work before, trying to stabilise DSS during which time we were broke, and he's not prepared to do it again when there's no obvious benefit. All that happened was that his self esteem went through the floor while I supported us.

He does respond to positive approaches, but only briefly. As soon as a bad distraction appears then he's off again

Am sure DH would object to contacting YOT prior to him actually getting in trouble IYSWIM. The police have told me (off the record) that they believe DSS is a gang member. I tried unsuccessfully to broach this with DH, but he cut me short so still doesn't know.

The more I write, the more I realise DH is enabling some of this, nowhere near as much as his mum, but enough to stop us progressing. He just can't let go. Maybe I'd be the same if it was my flesh and blood. I'd like to think not but...

DD is hoping to move in with her BF this summer, once she secures a job

DH and I both work but I have a new job with no guaranteed hours, and am currently on unpaid sick leave. I'm hoping to go back next week. Running two homes would cripple us, we don't earn tons, but is looking like the only way.

We have no DCs together. DH has 3 older ones who don't live with us, but that he speaks to most days.

My DS is most affected by all this, as he shares a room (and most of his possessions reluctantly) with DSS.

Purits, that threat has been made.

I said he couldn't come back last summer as nothing had improved since he left.

SS/his mother bulldozed the decision by both refusing to take him.

Consequences and lack of responsibility is the key to all of this.

Can you be drastic and move out of London?

How old is your ds?

Can dss try to go to mainstream school? Could he do something cooking related?

Can you move somewhere more remote and rural? Or would that not work with your jobs?

There is a special school in Putney for youngsters with School phobia.....