I really can't do this anymore... how can I tell them?

[marriednotdead]

I posted this last night in the teenager section but would really appreciate some feedback so I'm braving AIBU for the first time. Please be gentle with me
Back story here and within that thread. Sorry if this is long.

DSS is 14, has lived with us for over 2 years, and creates havoc wherever he goes.
He's still not in mainstream school, we've been turned down for a statement and he has no school place at the end of this academic year. The police know him too well although he has yet to be caught doing anything, but it's only a matter of time.

The rows about his defiant behaviour are daily so DH has become a bitter and angry man who snaps at me and can see no pleasure in life. I had a small op in hospital last week and declined an early discharge because I knew I would be coming home to a warzone

The night after I came home I lost it after listening to them yet again, and told them both that I was upset that DH couldn't even care for me properly as he was consumed with all the drama. I fled to bed in tears with DH telling DSS that I would end up leaving him
Nothing changed, the shouting continued.

On Friday I woke to find DSS packing to leave. I asked him where he was going, he said 'never mind'. I sat with him and explained that he couldn't go like that, and that until another adult took responsibility for him, we had to know where he was or we'd have to report him missing. I hugged him, we talked for ages, and he told me not to try and make him stay again; he never wanted to be here in the first place.

I rang DH to tell him, and advised him to call SS. They'd closed the case despite our requests, and put him onto the duty social worker. After a few calls she rang back to say DSS's mum had offered share care 'to ease our burden'. As she's the cause of most of the problems, that's like offering an alcoholic keys to the pub!

Today DH was on the phone to SS again, telling them that he wants help, but that if DSS is given a foster placement that he will run away (so that won't work).

I realise that although I was devastated, I was relieved when I thought that DSS was going, and I'm gutted that he's still here. I know that sounds awful but walk a mile in my shoes...

I am going to have to be a cold hearted bitch and insist that he goes, even if it means foster care. I was ignored when I said it last summer, and it's worse now than ever. It's not fair on any of us, and my DCs deserve a life that doesn't resemble an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I am in tears over the slightest thing, and DH is oblivious to anything but his own pain.

I don't think he realises how determined I am to push this, and it's going to cause fireworks. He will only discuss it on his own terms ATM, so I envisage telling him at the same time I tell SS.

I almost want him to leave with DSS and right now I haven't got the energy to even care.

If you've got this far, well done. I hope you've got a large . It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.

So, AIBU to insist DSS goes?

Any thoughts, comments, virtual shakes gratefully received...

What about boarding school? Schools such as King Edwards School offer up to almost 100% burseries. Box Hill, in Surrey, is another boarding school that I believe takes "difficult" children too.

Thanks Mary. I'm glad your DCs have a good relationship. Must be the parent
My 2 just can't understand him. They try, but he is so different to them in attitude that it's hard to relate, especially for DD as she's so much older. She offered to help him catch up with schoolwork but he's not bothered. DS muddles along, but his own social skills are not brilliant so it's hit and miss some days and they row. They're good together when they're on the xbox

Seabright DSS's most recent academic assessment put him at level 3-4 which is what you would expect of a child at the end of Yr6. He is bright and able, but is not engaged with education at all, and has admitted he has no interest anymore. Not the kind of pupil any school is in a hurry to take on... It's so frustrating to watch him throwing it all away.

I remember one of your previous threads marriednotdead. I'm sorry things have got worse and I don't blame you for reaching this point.

Asking SS to consider foster care could well be the trigger for providing support - they have a duty to try to keep families together and it might open up avenues of funding for you.

I am that your DSS has been turned down for a statement. You could appeal that decision, but be warned - it's a long slog, time consuming and takes months. But it could be key to getting appropriate provision - if a BESD boarding school is named on his statement, it could give him intensive support as well as respite for your family.

There are some outstanding schools like Breckonbrough or the New School which are experienced in dealing with young people like him. I think he is beyond the point of help for mainstream schools - he needs specialist strategies and trained staff (as well as a contained environment). More locally, you could also look at TCES which runs centres and outreach services for students with BESD.

You should be seeking help to get rehoused - with a son with AS and DSS with his issues, you should have a far higher priority - but you'd need something in writing from professionals (social services/doctors).

As you are in London, the Tavistock might be able to offer support. There's always a long list but I know families who have been able to get therapy there, though it might depend on your PCT, and also how willing DSS is to attend.

BP, I think you posted on one of my other threads, thanks for being brave enough to come back

I haven't got the energy or support to appeal the statement. DSS and his mother objected anyway- he does not want to go to a school for boys 'like him' so mum won't make him obviously He regards himself as a normal boy who everyone just expects too much of, despite so much evidence to the contrary.

We did ask for foster care last year and were told it wasn't needed as DSS had a stable family environment.

how does this work with the educaion side? is the education welfare officers not on your back about his schooling?

he has had more than enough chances so I would get him out of your lives.Iam sure DH would be relieved and see it was for the best once DSS is gone.

Sorry, your hands are really tied in this situation aren't they - there are duties to intervene/support on the part of the LEA and social services, but with his mum's attitude it's hard for you to push for it. And it's terribly hard to put strategies into place yourself, as the behaviours are so ingrained and they need to be done consistently, which won't happen either if he spends time with his mum.

Are CAMHS still involved? Do you have a CAF?

He goes to a type of PRU that caters for 5-14 yrs. They do the basics educationally plus lots of 'fun' stuff, whilst trying to address behaviour issues with a view to getting the kids back into mainstream.
The initial placement for any child is 6 weeks, who arrive with a list of problems and requests from the school that sent them. Sometimes they say they can come back, often they recommend a fresh start after the 'rehab'.

He turns up but often inexcusably late, or recently has sneaked off after lunch. Detentions are at lunchtime. He objected to one recently, told the teacher to F off, and tried to physically fight the deputy when he was steered out of the room. Deputy suggested they go outside if that's what he wanted! Madness.

MND some of the Quaker boarding schools like Friends' School Saffron Walden will take children like your DSS (often referred by Local authorities via Children and Families Departments) and have a decent record of helping them along. Lack of academic ability would not be a barrier. Worth a thought perhaps. Would get him away from his gang, too.

CAMHS saw DSS and his mum recently, but are trying to contact SS to clarify current situation before embarking on any therapy.

I think the CAF is what I filled in with the deputy when we applied for the statement. It's probably gathering dust in someones filing tray...

yes,madness. dd has avoided the pru due to the 'cuts' and got a managed move instead! seems ok ish in new school,fingers crossed,plus she has her YOT worker working with her on consequences of behaviour

Married, my heart goes out to you. You sound like you are just worn out by it all.
I'm not in England so I don't know how SS operate there, but would it be possible for them to provide you with respite foster care to give you all a break from the stress of it all? We provided respite foster care for a child who was in full time foster care but her placement was in danger of breaking down when she was about 7-8yrs old. She has a diagnosis of RAD, ADHD and a language disorder. We had her initially for one weekend a month and for a couple of weeks in the summer but as she hit 11/12, it became more frequent as she became more difficult at home. There were tough times with her, though no drugs or police involvement so it doesn't sound as tough as the situation you are in. She is now 17 and doing well. Four years ago, I honestly thought she'd have had a baby by now and the cycle would continue.
I think the respite care was good for her and her family. It gave them a break from each other and it pulled her away from the friends who could have led her down the wrong road. Would it be an option? Even in the short term?
I know that our FC's foster parents had to threaten to relinquish her because they had been screaming for care for ages and noone was listening.
I really hope you get some help from somewhere.

What does your own ds think/say about it?

How is it impacting on him?

having been recently through hell with dd,i can say that ss rarely offer respite...well,been told there is NONE actually....same with care,you cannot easily put a teen in care whilst there is someone with pr able to take them. it simply isnt an option.

ss have been very recently involved. and dd was harming,yes physically harming her siblings. i have 5 dc and my job is to both care for the perpetrator as well as the victims,in the same tiny house,on my own.

ss just isnt an option

sorry,that was to all the posters saying 'put in care' etc......

I truly feel for you ILT, and anyone else who is going through this

Chances of getting respite seem remote, but we're past that I think, certainly IMO. The only people who have the slightest control are me and DH, and that is slipping away as you can see.

My DS doesn't understand how he's managed to remain here, and as he has ASD, he takes a lot literally. DH had always stated that if the police were to come here because of DSS, then he would be out. Well that happened before Christmas so DS doesn't see how he's been 'allowed' to stay.

DSS spent 24 hours in custody, and while he was there they searched the boys bedroom. DS was furious that they could go through his things against his wishes and I was upset that he had to go through that, with very little warning. I did explain before they started and they were very careful not to touch DS's stuff, but still

He went through a phase of saying that he wanted to live with his dad, which I found devastating. Because of how badly he reacted to the upheaval of starting secondary, I wouldn't allow it as his dad lives too far for him to commute daily. He's fine about being here now, and wouldn't want to live with dad anymore but it's another example of me failing my DCs

God this is depressing. Can someone tell a joke or something please?!

dd has spent 3 nights in custody at age 14,since mid december.....3 separate incidents.......she is now really keen to be a police officer,says she's found her niche

She probably would be good at it too- she can relate to kids like her. Hold onto that thought.

When DSS is behaving at school, they call upon him to mentor new arrivals or talk to visitors. It's like a tap that he switches on and off, he can be so charming when he wants to.

i have a medical needs form here for out HA. its because i'm forced to give up my own bedroom for disruptive dd,so sleeping in the lounge on a sofabed.....HA say i can get more points if this has resulted in a medical reason. i havent done anyting with the form yet. my back is sore from sleeping badly,and yes,i'm a bit depressed at having no room and with dd and her behaviour,but i dont want to lie. its all problems which are easily shrugged off by midday,so not really impacting too much yet. but might be worth a try for you,not that an extra room could do much at this stage,just a consideration.

also,ss have said to me that if i chuck her out or refuse to have her back after an arrest,then i could be prosecuted for 'abandonment'......her dad also has pr but according to ss is not a suitable place for dd to go. not sure if they WOULD prosecute me though.....i wonder what the outcome would be...a lone parent of 5,nobody to take them if i go to prison etc

I'm no expert, but at 14 isn't he entitled to do a vocational college course rather than 'normal' school? Are there any colleges near you that do cookery courses? Some kind of structure like that may do him good. Also, you may not want him to go to the main PRU, but it might be worth contacting the staff there. They may have contacts with other organisations that would help. Likewise the Local Education Authority will know what school places are available at what schools / colleges. As I understand it, if there is a place at that school then you can literally turn up and the school have to take him (this happens every few months at our school) Of course, pre-arranging it with the school is a MUCH better idea.

Mary- precisely! She won't. And she'll be the one wailing loudest when he gets locked up or worse.

ILT- good luck with that form and your back. Ours system is just a basic 4 band set up; we're in band 3 behind a zilion others. And they would count my lounge as a potential bedroom as we also have a dining room