I really can't do this anymore... how can I tell them?

[marriednotdead]

I posted this last night in the teenager section but would really appreciate some feedback so I'm braving AIBU for the first time. Please be gentle with me
Back story here and within that thread. Sorry if this is long.

DSS is 14, has lived with us for over 2 years, and creates havoc wherever he goes.
He's still not in mainstream school, we've been turned down for a statement and he has no school place at the end of this academic year. The police know him too well although he has yet to be caught doing anything, but it's only a matter of time.

The rows about his defiant behaviour are daily so DH has become a bitter and angry man who snaps at me and can see no pleasure in life. I had a small op in hospital last week and declined an early discharge because I knew I would be coming home to a warzone

The night after I came home I lost it after listening to them yet again, and told them both that I was upset that DH couldn't even care for me properly as he was consumed with all the drama. I fled to bed in tears with DH telling DSS that I would end up leaving him
Nothing changed, the shouting continued.

On Friday I woke to find DSS packing to leave. I asked him where he was going, he said 'never mind'. I sat with him and explained that he couldn't go like that, and that until another adult took responsibility for him, we had to know where he was or we'd have to report him missing. I hugged him, we talked for ages, and he told me not to try and make him stay again; he never wanted to be here in the first place.

I rang DH to tell him, and advised him to call SS. They'd closed the case despite our requests, and put him onto the duty social worker. After a few calls she rang back to say DSS's mum had offered share care 'to ease our burden'. As she's the cause of most of the problems, that's like offering an alcoholic keys to the pub!

Today DH was on the phone to SS again, telling them that he wants help, but that if DSS is given a foster placement that he will run away (so that won't work).

I realise that although I was devastated, I was relieved when I thought that DSS was going, and I'm gutted that he's still here. I know that sounds awful but walk a mile in my shoes...

I am going to have to be a cold hearted bitch and insist that he goes, even if it means foster care. I was ignored when I said it last summer, and it's worse now than ever. It's not fair on any of us, and my DCs deserve a life that doesn't resemble an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I am in tears over the slightest thing, and DH is oblivious to anything but his own pain.

I don't think he realises how determined I am to push this, and it's going to cause fireworks. He will only discuss it on his own terms ATM, so I envisage telling him at the same time I tell SS.

I almost want him to leave with DSS and right now I haven't got the energy to even care.

If you've got this far, well done. I hope you've got a large . It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.

So, AIBU to insist DSS goes?

Any thoughts, comments, virtual shakes gratefully received...

Could you sacrifice the lounge or dining room space to turn one of them into a bedroom? Or are they too small?

It should be possible to get into a higher band with so many difficulties - I know a family who got a separate bedroom for their child with AS, despite having a same-sex sibling. But it sounds like your DS has milder AS issues than that, while your DSS has more severe needs but no diagnosis so it'd be hard to get medical points unfortunately.

Jenga. He may be in September, another thing to worry about. I can't muster up hope or enthusiasm anymore; it's been blown back in my face too often.

The LEA (and the place he's at now) cannot find another school in the borough that's willing to give him a chance. He's messed up too many times, and his reputation means that every headteacher seems to know him or of him. He's been a handful since nursery, and was excluded from primary several times.

Sorry, keep x posting.

The layout of the house makes it unworkable to use either as another bedroom.
As you say, no diagnosis = no bumping up the bands. The housing waiting list is huge in this area, DD will be long gone before we get anywhere near the top.

Again, I might be wrong and it might not be the best course of action anyway, but I'm 99% sure that a school with a space can't refuse to take him. Don't know how you find out where the spaces are if the lea won't help though.

All I can really say is that you sound lovely & I hope you get everything sorted.

State boarding school? Might he take to that?

OP - posted on step parents forum - glad you are getting so much support and so many ideas here.
Have you been referred to a Youth Mental Health Team at all - usually via your GP.

I don't know that getting him into another mainstream school will sove the issue - if he has been truanting and having problems at school from a young age then it is unlikely that going to a different school will alter this pattern of behaviour.

I can't think of anything realy positive I'm afraid - despite all the things my SS got up to (as I said on SP forum) - Social Services could not come up with anything to help except suggest we did not live together - and I have to say that placing a 14 year old in the sole custody of a father who was working long hours in London and was out of the household from 7am - 8.30pm every day (and would have to continue to work to pay for 2 households) - well call me stupid but we thought that was a recipe for disaster!

State boarding school definitely worked for us - but it is still expensive (10k per annum) and the good ones are usually oversubscribed so he would have to go for interview etc.

Is there any way you could manage this. And for those that think this is just 'throwing him out' - it is not.

The school my SS went to had the most amazing staff at the boarding bit - there were 2 child psychologists on staff, the head was one of the most inspirational, intellingent people I have ever met. Knowing that he was in a safe enviroment, that they were there to keep a close eye on him and catch the danger signs when trouble ws brewing - it was such a relief. It really helped him to be somewhere away from all the drama and different emotions, where he could see the same rules applied to everyone else. And the state school it attached to was really good.

OK - SS still behaves like a total twat - but it got us through 2 very difficult years in which I think would have broken me.

Good morning all. Thank you all so much for your support on this thread; it has made me realise that I have coped with too much for too long, and that I am not alone in doing so

Jenga- he's been permanently excluded twice so no-one is obliged to take him.

Boffinmum- out of our price range even if he would be willing (he wouldn't)- state is still £10k+ pa.

I am not a hard or unloving parent, but my own upbringing taught me how NOT to raise children. My own DCs are proof that my theories and the way I've instinctively muddled through were right, for them at least. My gut feeling is that if I had been able to raise DSS in the same way, we would be dealing with a very different child now. He has been given far too much power, without the appropriate tools to manage and control it.

No matter how I look at the situation, I can see- with the help of you lovely people that it is unlikely to improve. DH is unable or unwilling to enforce the kind of changes needed to give DSS any chance of turning this around. To take on the LEA and the system requires more strength and support than I can avail myself of so I am down to two options.

1. Ask for DSS to be returned to his mother or LA care.

or failing that

2.Insist that DH rents somewhere else and takes DSS with him, to try and straighten him out without drama for all of us.

I do NOT want to end my marriage, and do not see DH moving out- should that happen- as a trial separation. However, he is understandably not going to want to do either. Nor do I want DH to be choosing between me and DSS. This is about stability and peace for the majority of our family unit, and I hope I can get that point across.

I haven't broached anything with him yet. I'm waiting for the meeting with SS to be scheduled. We are definitely being allocated a SW we were told last night. Wowee.

Anything else you think I need to consider? I can't think straight anymore.

I talk a good talk on here but DH would be furious if he knew I had posted about this (or anything else personal). I feel bad/sad that I have 'made my mind up' without discussing it with him first, but communication is not his strong point when it comes to emotional matters. He gets stroppy when he's frustrated and/or refuses to continue a discussion so the conversation is going to be really difficult. I need to make it make sense to me first, before I present it to him.

So I'm a chicken when it comes to it, which is why I guess I've been bulldozed for so long. I spend a lot of time considering everyone else's feelings to the detriment of my own happiness and mental health.

That has to change, something that won't come easily and that will be opposed

Don't know where you are, but flexi-boarding/home boarding is a possibility at some schools, aka an extended day, and that costs about £3000 a year - basically they do everything the boarders to apart from pop home to sleep.

SS sometimes pay state boarding fees as well, because this is a fraction of the price of fostering. Some schools also have bursaries for situations like this, as do independent boarding schools.

It's very difficult for you though, I can see, and you have my sympathies.

Married I really really feel for you, what a terrible situation to be in for all of you.

There has been some really good advice here from other members and I don't have any experience of DSCs or teenagers so can't really help there.

This may be a stupid suggestion but what about you and your DD sharing, your DH and his DS sharing the bunk room and your DS having the other half of that room, (or your DH sharing with your DS and DSS having the other half) for say 6 months ago to at least separate DS and DSS without your DH having to move out.

It may make no difference whatsoever but as a short term practicality may help your DS at least a teensy bit...

I hope you can sort something out that works for the whole family.

should say 6 months or so...

Married please have a look at this www.specialneedsguide.co.uk/en/search
Social services would help fund (sometimes fully fund) the boarding fees as costs are far cheaper tham re-location to foster and new school too etc.

Many children who go off to board, with behavioural issues, often appreciate family much more when home. Tough love I guess.

Thanks for those suggestions, you're a tenacious lot

The bedroom swap sounds amusing, but you'd have to know us all and the layout of our house to understand! DH is chunky and snores like a train so him in a bunk bed would be impractical to say the least, and the boys would never get any sleep.

Our cash strapped LA told us there would be no funding for the out of borough SEBN school we found, even if we'd managed to get the statement through. They regard the local PRU as adequate provision. We all know different but it means that we'd need a lottery win to fund any place. There are no schools within daily travel distance of here that also board.

I'd love to have been able to remove both of DSS's parents- yes DH too- from the decision making process as some of these suggestions could have worked in the past.

Hindsight is so bloody pointless, and being a SM is the worst of both worlds. All of the shit and none of the recognition