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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 yo runaway- back to square 1.

46 replies

marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 11:04

I've previously posted about my problems with DSS here and we have just started the process of getting him statemented.

However, he has got into trouble so ran away on Wednesday. He lied about his whereabouts on Tuesday and came home at 10pm, bringing a friend to back his story up. DH was furious and dragged him through the door, dispatching the friend immediately. After a quick blast of hairdryer treatment, DH sent him to bed as he recognised he was too angry to deal with him.

The following day, while DSS's support worker was there I found stop and search papers from a few days earlier. DH was at work so spoke to DSS by phone. Despite the evidence, he denied it had happened and as soon as he could, he packed a bag and left while I'd popped to the shop Sad

He went to his mums, she rang SW who collected him as she refused to have him back. Apparently the shock of yet another rejection from her was written all over his face. Eventually he made his way to his cousins as SW could not persuade him to come home and wanted to know he had a roof for the night.

We believe cousin is living in a hostel but is currently not answering phone to SW. Police say they can find him and bring him home if we report him missing but can't guarantee he won't go again.

To cap it all, his mother hates my DH so much that she is encouraging this, despite it being the worst possible thing for her DS. She told the SW that if he doesn't want to come home to us, he doesn't have to. DH pointed out that she didn't want him so where did she expect him to live? Call ended messily, they are not speaking.

Am so stressed, (crying as I'm typing) and trying to hold my family together, DH is at breaking point and DSS probably doesn't care- he doesn't know how to.

Just needed to let it out, DH is too raw to talk to anyone and has asked me to keep it to myself too. (He knows I share everything with my sis so that's ok).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
janajos · 31/10/2010 11:22

Don't know what to say - you are a great step mum and your DH sounds lovely too. I will say a prayer for you all this morning.

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 11:28

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

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maryz · 31/10/2010 15:34

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Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 15:46

Thanks Mary, I remember you from my original thread.

Having read up on attachment disorder, refusing to have him back is probably the worst thing we could do to him. However, it's a moot point at the moment because he is uncontactable.

He is allegedly on his last chance. I said I didn't want him back here in July but SS have said they have nowhere to place him.

He has a stable home here, but doesn't want to take on the rules and responsibilities that family life brings. His mother is currently encouraging his defiance and we (I can probably include SW) could all happily strangle her for her sheer stupidity tbh.

Have said to DH that if SW can't make contact/progress by tomorrow then we report him missing and the police can drag him home.

DD asked me why I wanted him back after everything. If he was older it would be different. I'd like to get him to 16/17 without being locked up or killed Sad

Once he's an adult we can't control him but for now, I feel the need to try.

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maryz · 31/10/2010 15:51

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CarGirl · 31/10/2010 15:58
Sad

My 13 year old has demanded to go and live with her Dad, which is okay but not great but it's not a patch on what you're going through.

I could hit his mother on your behalf - even if she lied and said "I really want him here but I just can't cope" it would be something.

Why does she keep encouraging him to be defiant - just sheer point scoring to get back at your dh????????

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 16:44

Mary, I am living your life a couple of years behind by the sounds of it Sad
Well done for getting as far as you have, it takes a strength you don't think you have.

When I'm feeling charitable, I reckon his mum is as damaged as him. She has spent her life trying to make him happy by allowing him to do whatever he wants. We are reaping what she has sown.

In answer to your question cargirl, 'he doesn't want to so he shouldn't have to' is her attitude. And so she created the monster. Yet she wonders why her son is unmanageable and DH hates her.

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CarGirl · 31/10/2010 16:55

I virtual hit for you.

Where exactly does she think he should live? Where does he want to live - I doubt he even knows!

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 17:04

Thanks for that cargirl, good shot.

That's precisely why the latest row kicked off, she has no better solutions but likes making the problem worse. He's apparently with a cousin whose mother kicked her out not too long ago, presumably she's in a hostel.

We're desperate to get him home, there's no way she can manage him so he will roaming the streets with her.

He hasn't got a clue, he doesn't think beyond the moment he's in which is the main problem.

Why does your DD want to live with her dad?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 31/10/2010 17:12

Because I say "no", IMHO she is running away from her poor relationship with me. She gives all these good logical reasons why it would be good for blah blah blah

I pick her up on her attention seeking behaviour and label it for what it is, her Dad on the other hand has his life revolving around her emotional needs and trying to make them better. I think he's lost the ability to stand back for a moment and be objective.

"I will run away if you make me go home", "I hate it, all they ever do is shout at me" etc etc etc Hmm

He's an okay Dad and he does think he's acting in her best interests but things are now very strained between us.

I am financially much better off now though as he has to per her means tested school fees, even though I'm now paying maintenance for her.

If she ends up pregnant at a young age, I'll kill him Wink

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 17:17

So has she found the greener grass on the other side then?

Sometimes you have to let them go. DS went through a phase of saying he wanted to live with his dad. It has passed since exp has LOs Grin

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CarGirl · 31/10/2010 17:22

I reckon so, it's very sad as I'll hardly ever get to see her - he's about to move 100's of miles away Sad Plus she keeps talking about moving schools to do her GCSE's - apparantly that would be in her best interests too Shock

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 17:28

You are very brave. You have put her first in not causing conflict by trying to hang onto her for selfish reasons.

Only time will tell if she is better off there. If, by chance, she is, then you can be proud of making the right decision. If not, then you are still her mum and no doubt would support her through any difficulties.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and no amount of preparation can help you to understand that Smile

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CarGirl · 31/10/2010 17:37

I just keeping I've got 3 other dds that I've got to get through adolescence as well yet

Part of me suspects she wanted the big drama of a huge fight and court battle/cafcass so at least that was nipped in the bud!

Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 17:52

Good. I think sometimes they get carried away with all that. As you say, it's attention seeking but it deflects from the real issues. I hope her dad realises what he's in for now Smile

My DH is the first to admit that being a full time dad is a totally different and much harder experience to the weekend father he was in the past. He has a lot more respect for single parents of either gender now, we're struggling and there's two of us.

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CarGirl · 31/10/2010 17:55

I hope that he turns up and you find a way through this. I feel really sorry for your dss he must feel so insecure because he's never had boundaries and I feel so sorry for you and your dh because it must be sheer hell Sad

maryz · 31/10/2010 18:03

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Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 18:10

Definitely Mary, that's the frustrating bit. And those are classic symptoms of RAD which is why he needs to come home to some stability.

Sure I said earlier, has been gone since Wednesday and SW has not been able to contact since Friday. He doesn't have his mobile so am guessing cousin is now screening calls to avoid her Hmm

Am worried that if we contact his mother for address of cousin (for police to collect him) that she will tip him off so he's not there to be found. That's how foolish her actions have become Angry

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maryz · 31/10/2010 18:18

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Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 18:35

She does know where he is, it's her niece and she encouraged it!
Am wondering if she is in her right mind tbh.

There's no way he will be at school tomorrow. He didn't take his uniform strangely enough Smile

DH will not communicate with any of exps family now so message will go via SW.

Sadly DH is lashing out so engineered a row earlier and hasn't spoken a word to me for hours Sad

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maryz · 31/10/2010 18:45

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Dracschick · 31/10/2010 18:50

What is RAD??

[sorry] for all you going through this - suspect ds2 is just about to start it.

maryz · 31/10/2010 19:09

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Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 19:41

Thanks for your honesty Mary, I understand why you might have thought that.
I sometimes think my bias makes me hard on her but then she will do something totally not in her DSs interests and I then think she's nuts/a bitch. It's hard to be sure which at times but neither is helpful Hmm

DH has thawed a little (a good Sunday dinner always helps) so perhaps we can draw up an action plan later.
Dracschick, this is so not a club you want to join Wink

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Original poster
marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 19:43

Oh, the hostel is an assumption, and yes, I can't see them being ok with a lodger. But we actually don't know anything more than who he's with and what area.

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