It?s interesting to ask what ?be perfect? means. Be well-behaved, as you see it? Be quiet? Obey orders? Be convenient?
You see, I don?t see a tantrum as bad behaviour. The child isn?t deliberately setting out to annoy you or to disobey you or to enrage you. They are discombobulating, I agree, and they can embarrass us (which usually brings out the bad parent in us). But they are symptoms of something else. A child finding a surge of emotions difficult to handle. The unfairness of an arbitrary sanction imposed on them. Even a past upset they haven?t figured out how to cope with, which just comes. Think of how upset you can get when your partner says something that hurts you, but in and of itself isn?t that big a deal. It can ignite an old un-dealt-with hurt and your emotions far eclipse the level of the small slight just dished out. We adults are no more irrational than a 2-year old.
?Spoilt child?
?Irrational little devils?
?Rod for your back?
?They have to learn ? (I don?t dispute that they do, after all discipline simply means ?learning?, it doesn?t mean ?punishment?. I do dispute that they learn it well by admonishment, and better by modelling, discussing etc)
?They have to learn boundaries? (again agree in principle, but think the issue is much more subtle than we like to think)
Sometimes I think we haven?t come far from the Victorian idea of childhood.
I think much depends on whether you view children and their less desirable behaviour as something to be managed, combated or tamed. If you do, then good old fashioned behaviourism will be your cup of tea.
I don?t think this way, I think leadership and mentoring is consensual and not best achieved in a two-way process. This is the case in adult life. The best boss does not bark orders and then sanction you. The best boss seeks consensus, mentors, uses emotional intelligence and models appropriate behaviour.
I don?t think SOH was saying her daughter was perfect, but that she?s in a place where. Let?s face it, perceived liberal parenting invites quite a backlash. I?ve been told my daughter will not be able to effectively learn, be ?one of those children other children avoid like the plague? etc. So I guess SOH is simply saying, no, on the contrary, her daughter has learned (and is still learning) appropriate behaviour from modelling and discussion and not from a crude behaviourist approach.
I really, really recommend Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen (he is a bona fide child psych) as a read, even if you recoil at the idea of what you see as permissive parenting. It has some good passages on what it?s like to see parenting through a child?s eyes.
Anyway, I realise I may sound like a sanctimonious tit. But on the contrary, I feel deeply humbled by having a child. All my past certainties (I was going to be a firm, but fair disciplinarian), arrogance that I knew everything has been bulldozed and as I fumble my way through toddlerhood I am learning, discussing and thinking about this constantly. I make mistakes, ones I know about, and ones I don?t know about. Smug and hubristic, I am not.
Oh, and my daughter is delightful. Strong willed certainly, querulous at times but endlessly fascinating (to us at least!) and a joy pretty much all of the time. How much of this is down to our parenting? I?ll never ever know. Probably less than I?d like to think though.