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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm not an evil Mother?!

169 replies

loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 10:43

I've just got back from a very stressful trip to a soft play place with my 4 year old daughter. (I was also looking after my 2 year old nephew)
She played nicely for a bit and then kept climbing up the slide and trying to slide down the steps on her bottom, which I told her not to do as she would knock the other children over who were trying to come up the steps. After 3 warnings about this, I told her she was going to have to come and sit on my lap if she couldn't use the slide properly. Well, she continued to do it again so I went and picked her up and sat down with her on my lap
MAJOR meltdown. She screamed and cried until the point where she was red in the face, people were staring and pointing at us and she was actually hurting me trying to wriggle off my lap, kicking her legs and trying to puch my hands away. SHe was shouting "you're hurting me!" (which I wasn't) I was so embarrassed but thought 'I'm not going to let her get away with this behaviour, they can continue to stare at me but she's not going back to play until she has calmed down and stopped being so silly.'
Well, after a good 15 minutes of this behaviour I became so embarrassed that I put her in my nephew's pushchair and took them both home. All the way back to the car she was shouting to people walking past "help me, help me"
I was absolutely mortified and was in tears in the car on the way home.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 10:44

No, but you were ineffective. You need to come up with something else...

IWantAnotherBaby · 29/03/2011 10:45

YANBU. It's horrible when they do this to you, but giving in to the tantrums never helps! Also you gave several warnings, and then followed them through; model parenting IMO!

squeakytoy · 29/03/2011 10:46

I am sure its nothing that they dont see there on a daily basis :)

MamaLazarou · 29/03/2011 10:47

YANBU, you were perfectly reasonable. Just a bad day.

RevoltingPeasant · 29/03/2011 10:48

OP that sounds dreadful, poor you :(

I am not a mum yet so can't offer any decent advice, except I know my SIL has a 'three-strike' warning system that seems to keep her DD under control. She says, 'X, please do ...' and then, 'X, you're not listening, that's twice', and then X goes on the naughty step/ goes home.

I know when my sisters and I were small my dad had a policy of walking out of anywhere, and I do mean anywhere we were being naughty, at once. He didn't give us any chances. It meant walking out of quite a few family restaurants but it did work after a couple of times.

Don't know if that helps?

FaultyGoods · 29/03/2011 10:48

I don't think you were being evil. She is old enough to understand, she had 3 warnings and ignored them. I would have done the same as you except probably would have left after 5 minutes of tantrums. Next time you go, just remind her that if she behaves like that again, you will leave immediately.

2blessed2bstressed · 29/03/2011 10:48

You are not an evil mother.
hth

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 10:48

What Hully said. Always what Hully said.

I'd be questioning why she was doing it. Usual behaviour for her or one off?

NicknameTaken · 29/03/2011 10:48

You did fine. It would have been worse to show her that it's acceptable to ignore you and that she can get her own way by having a tantrum.

Original poster

loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 10:49

Like what Hullygully? I don't see what else I could have done. When she has one of these meltdowns the only thing I can do at home is to ignore her and let her get over it, but I obviously couldn't do that at softplay, because she would have just gone back to the slide and done the same thing again if I'd let her get off my lap.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 29/03/2011 10:50

You done nothing wrong and are not a bad mother, but you should have just said if she does it again you will leave, then when she done it again bundled her up and got her out of there. Tell her that she won't be going back if she does anything like that again.

Onetoomanycornettos · 29/03/2011 10:50

Sounds familiar. I don't think you did anything wrong, you gave her warnings, you sat it out with her (whilst she had a mega-tantrum) and then went home when she still couldn't stop her behaviour.

I would use this to reinforce the idea that when out, you need to do what mummy (or daddy) tells you. If you don't, you will have to have time out/do something else/leave.

Next time, I would remind her of this, and say very clearly that she needs to do what you tell her, and that if she doesn't play properly, then you will have to go home again.

I'm sure this was probably a one-off, if this doesn't happen all the time then there is not an issue, it was just one of those days.

CeliaFate · 29/03/2011 10:50

You're not an evil mother at all. You gave her fair warning, she's testing her boundaries and didn't like it when she didn't get her own way. Bet she won't do it again! I think what you did was perfectly reasonable. Your dd's response was embarrassing in front of strangers, but tough! You held your nerve.

Dinosaurhunter · 29/03/2011 10:50

well done ! dont be so hard on yourself ,so mamy parents give in you didnt so yanbu !

MrsGravy · 29/03/2011 10:51

Nope, not horrible. And I wouldn't say it was ineffective either. Sometimes your method of dealing with bad behaviour doesn't bear immediate fruit as they get so upset by the discipline/consequence. I reckon next time you go, if you remind her of the rules, she'll play on the slide properly because she'll remember what happened last time.

She must be a lovely girl for you not to have experienced this reaction before!! I have a very willful 4 year old boy and this is his standard response when his will is thwarted - but he does learn from it.

saffy85 · 29/03/2011 10:53

YANBU to follow through on your threat even if it didnt work out in quite the way you had planned. This happens all the time in places like soft play.

Ignore the stares. I know it's hard as it can be sooo embarrassing when your kids play up like that but really I find the majority of starers have either no DC themselves or their DC are younger and haven't thrown their first big hissy fit yet, or they're like my MIL- DC much older (adults) and have selective memory loss regarding their child's behaviour.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 10:53

Rather than getting into a confrontation, "This is your last warning," "Stop it at once," "We're going to have to leave," etc etc, try distraction. eg Challenge her to a game of hide and seek, or, I bet you can't do X before I count to 20, or Let's go and get a drink (and do something else afterwards). Having to sit with her like that, and then for all of you to leave, makes you all miserable. What's the point of that?

GoldenGreen · 29/03/2011 10:54

please don't worry. we've all had similar, I'm sure. I bet she won't do the same thing again (but will find something else if she's anything like my ds!).

Tbh, though I have always found that trying to keep an older toddler in one place (e.g. naughty step, lap) is pointless as it just escalates things BUT that is my child - might be different for others - just saying it might be worth thinking about alternatives

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 10:54

Do you always give 3 warnings and does she always completely ignore you?

newbeemummy · 29/03/2011 10:55

Just to add my nodding head to the crowd here, I think you did a great job of sticking to your guns, you gave her warnings and followed through.

Think you are actually a better mother for doing so, and when she turns out to be a well adjusted adult she'll thank you (but you'll probably have to wait 25 years (or until she has her own kids) for that to happen) :)

HeadfirstForHalos · 29/03/2011 10:57

I don't think it's ineffective in the long run! She will remember in future that you mean it when you threaten to leave if she doesn't stop! Although I probably would have left after 5 minutes, 10 absolute max, but that's easy to say when you haven't a screaming child to contend with.

peeriebear · 29/03/2011 10:57

Good on you for following through with it- I might have left before 15 minutes though- still being in there may have given her the impression that if she shouted loud enough you might let her go! It's hard when you have brought other children along though as it takes away from their play time.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 10:57

I'd question why she was behaving that way. If she knows you mean business, why continue? Attention? Boundaries? Boredom? Jealous of nephew? I'm not talking about excuses but reasons.

Agree with Hully. If dd was playing inappropriately (and it is playing, climbing slides is fun) I'd tell her it wasn't appropriate (not warn her) and suggest other things she could do. Everybody's happy, you engage with them, point them in the direction of more appropriate play and nobody has to be embarrassed or forced home early.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 10:58

"testing boundaries"
"you held your nerve"
"three strikes and out"

What sort of relationship does this stuff create with the child? It's all about power.

Original poster

loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 10:58

Showofhands - yes, I always give her 3 warnings and she knows that if she ignores them she has 'time out' at home, which is usually really effective. But I think just the fact that we were out doing something she was enjoying and I told her she couldn't join in for a few minutes if her behaviour didn't change was the trigger that set it all off.

OP posts:

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