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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm not an evil Mother?!

169 replies

loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 10:43

I've just got back from a very stressful trip to a soft play place with my 4 year old daughter. (I was also looking after my 2 year old nephew)
She played nicely for a bit and then kept climbing up the slide and trying to slide down the steps on her bottom, which I told her not to do as she would knock the other children over who were trying to come up the steps. After 3 warnings about this, I told her she was going to have to come and sit on my lap if she couldn't use the slide properly. Well, she continued to do it again so I went and picked her up and sat down with her on my lap
MAJOR meltdown. She screamed and cried until the point where she was red in the face, people were staring and pointing at us and she was actually hurting me trying to wriggle off my lap, kicking her legs and trying to puch my hands away. SHe was shouting "you're hurting me!" (which I wasn't) I was so embarrassed but thought 'I'm not going to let her get away with this behaviour, they can continue to stare at me but she's not going back to play until she has calmed down and stopped being so silly.'
Well, after a good 15 minutes of this behaviour I became so embarrassed that I put her in my nephew's pushchair and took them both home. All the way back to the car she was shouting to people walking past "help me, help me"
I was absolutely mortified and was in tears in the car on the way home.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
justpaddling · 29/03/2011 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancergirl · 29/03/2011 13:57

You didn't do the wrong thing and yes you should stick to your guns.

However, I don't think there's a 'right' and 'wrong' way to play at soft play. I think sometimes parents get a bit over-involved in what their children are doing/not doing. Children DO like to climb up slides. As long as they look to make sure no-one's sliding down I don't see a problem.

Unless there's a major, major problem or child getting hurt etc, I would leave them to play.

Crawling · 29/03/2011 14:18

My two DC are chalk and cheese and as a result I dont believe in one method suits all. DS distraction is the key but DD will not be distracted and has a big temper. I have to use two different methods and as a result I dont think anyone can tell you what you should have done because you know your DD best and what does and doesnt work. FWIW I would have done the same for DD but not for DS.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 14:36

Just to add something. Was out for a walk in the spring sunshine with dh and chatting about this and wanted to point out that the question about going to school and teachers not reacting in the same way is not just a red herring because of the reasons already outlined (ie they understand the difference between home and school) but because they've learnt. DD is 3 now. She doesn't actually need the same level as distraction or managing as she did even a year ago. If she is told a behaviour is inappropriate, she stops and chooses something else to do. Because she's older now and able to do that for herself. And if something warrants an apology she gives it freely and with contrition, not through a threat or response to me.

I just had a thought that maybe you assume somebody like me is still dancing around a 5/6/7yr old flapping my arms and distracting. Doesn't work like that. DD at 3 is already equipped with skills she didn't have and has learnt that if I suggest she stops something, she does. Not to avoid punishment (I don't warn/threaten) but because as somebody else said 'that's how we do things'. She understands and is maturing into the model we set. That's what will stand her in good stead at school. That she understands reasons behind why she is asked to do things by adults (for safety, sense, convention etc) and she's had the opportunity to demonstrate she's capable of it.

It's not tantrum avoidance either or pre-emptive behaviour. I never, ever approach dd from the point of 'how can I prevent a' or 'avoid b' or 'manage c'. I involve myself in her life and her in mine and try and make growing up as educational and enjoyable as possible. And she's a good egg I hope.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 14:39

sanctimonious tit

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 14:40

And I agree

And would add that a lot of it is about seeing things from their (very much age-related) point of view

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 14:45

Santimonious tit and proud.

I agree about pov. They're having a jolly good time and suddenly everything changes and it probably seems arbitrary. Like the difference between saying '5 more minutes' to a 2yr old (where 5 minutes is meaningless) and 'one go on the slide and one on the swing'.

I often wonder how the world looks to dd. She explained quite patiently a while ago that there was no reason to believe that Wee Willie Winkie was about children going to bed, but might equally be about getting up in time. Because Wee Willie Winkie might not be imploring you to go to bed, he might be asking why you're not up yet. And having read it, she's right. I just never considered it that way. I think Wee Willie Winkie had no place running about in his night gown but that's just me.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 14:47

You're so uptight. Let little Willie run free.

rockinhippy · 29/03/2011 14:48

Agree too - perhaps another ST here tooGrin

(at least I've just been told similar on another thread[fallsoverinfitsofgiggles]

DDs not perfect, who is, but I'm proud to say she's very much "a good egg" too & we've pretty much followed that same line of thinking - though not always so much "age appropriate" as "DD appropriate" as agree with those saying personalities & development do come into how we need to deal with them to get best results too

SmethwickBelle · 29/03/2011 15:10

I don't think OP was being particularly unreasonable certainly not evil, I am not personally blessed with one of these mature reasonable preschoolers so I've been in similar positions on occasions.

The only thing I might have done differently is that I don't think I could get my 3 year old to sit on my lap if he didn't want to (he's 3.5 foot tall) so I would have probably gone straight outside or into the toilets with the children if only to calm down. It is a lot easier to focus (adults and children) when you don't feel like you have an audience.

choccyp1g · 29/03/2011 15:22

Up till when Ds started pre-school I was a "ST" as well. I used lots of distraction and explaining that "we" don't do this that or the next thing. So did the daycare setting where he went part-time. And we had a pretty happy time of it all, helped by the fact that he was an early talker, so we never had many incoherent rages, as he would ASK for what he wanted.
At pre-school it was "do as you're told even if you don't understand", and he had a very difficult time (they gave me a lot of telling off as well) accusing him of "answering back" when he thought he was just asking a valid question. For example, being told to "line up for PE", he wanted to know what PE stood for before he would do it.
Nowadays at 10, he is averagely well behaved at school, and not very good at all at home. He uses the distraction / ignore technique on me!

gysela · 29/03/2011 15:22

I am not personally blessed with one of these mature reasonable preschoolers so I've been in similar positions on occasions

I was blessed with one of these (my oldest DD). If I had posted on this thread when she was three (seven years ago) my response would have been very different. With my youngest I battled for two years with her wonderfully obstinate nature and I have been in the OPs position as well. I have been on both sides of the fence and as much as I prefer the distraction etc it just doesnt work with all children

BornToFolk · 29/03/2011 15:36

"It is so much easier IMO to change a situation before it gets to the tantrum stage."

Well, yes, if you can, but it's not always possible. Lately, DS can go from calm to tantrum in a second, with no time for distracting techniques! And I'm sure other kids can too.

Loopy, I don't think you are evil! I think that once things had got to the tantrumming stage, removing her from the situation was the best thing to do. And once you start with the warnings, you have to follow through. Whether it was possible to divert the tantrum at all is something that none of us can know, as we weren't there. But I have found the discussions about it to be very interesting and helpful so thanks for starting the thread!

AdamJSusan · 29/03/2011 15:40

You should have smacked her legs.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 15:40

loopy, do you talk about the tantrums afterwards? It's also a good idea to talk them through and sort out the reasons, then suggest strategies for next time. It's a long process, but it helps. When my dd did lose her temper, she would explain afterwards that her feelings were too big for her throat and they had to come out! We've all been there...

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 15:42

Oh yes, that's a much better idea. Violence. That'll not only learn her good and proper, it'll send her all the right messages about how we treat people. Whack her round the head too.

MrsH75 · 29/03/2011 15:49

I think the OP dealt with it really well.

She threatened a - painless but effective - sanction and went through with it. It demonstrates boundaries and her daughter went over it, and what happens if you do. Her daughter is old enough that she'll think again before acting up. I think you were remarkably calm by the sounds of it, well done loopylucy.

My DD1 used to still have the odd tanty when she was 4 in public, actually she still had the odd strop at 5 but hasn't in public for a while, thank God. But DD2 makes up for that.

AdamJSusan · 29/03/2011 15:51

Yes "talk them through and sort out the reasons, then suggest strategies for next time" will work brilliantly with a 4 year old having a tantrum because she wants to do something she is not allowed to.

Smack her legs, next time she does it threaten to smack her legs and she will remember last time and stop.

Or just sit her down while she is throwing a big wobbler and get her to explain her thoughts and why she feels aggrieved.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 15:56

I'm sorry, Adam, I hadn't realised you couldn't read. You carry on with your physical chastisements and fill your boots.

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 16:13

Adam
Are you nuts or a troll?

Don't even think I want to get into this so I will just have a Biscuit and walk away

gysela · 29/03/2011 16:14

Adam is trying to wind everyone up.....I hope thats the case

AdamJSusan · 29/03/2011 16:22

I just happen to think that sometimes sitting and trying to reason with a child that is having a big tantrum is pointless. There are many cases for reasoning with children and explaining why they are wrong and why the adult is right, or why some behaviour is unacceptable. There are many ways of punishing or disciplining wayward behaviour.

I think trying to reason with a screaming tantrum is pointless.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 29/03/2011 16:27

Well, I suppose 'smack her legs and then she won't do it again' isn't that much worse than 'drag her out kicking and screaming and then she won't do it again'. Sigh. And I thought I was doing so well by moving away from my default parenting programming and not smacking.

Ah well, I guess a parent's lot is one big circle of guilt and failure. Or maybe that's just me Blush

TBF, Adam, Hully said talk about it afterwards, not during the tantrum.

thaigreencurry · 29/03/2011 16:29

I shouldn't laugh but I had to giggle because I can remember a similar episode with ds. He was about 5 at the time and we were walking down the road with him screaming "Help me, Help me, somebody help I can't take this pain". A few people stopped to enquire and to make sure I wasn't an evil abductor and were a little embrassed when I told them it was because the ice cream van had driven away before we had chance to reach it. Hmm

I've only read the first few posts and very surprised at the responses, you handled it correctly and I wouldn't have done it any differently. Your dd's behaviour was unacceptable but I imagine she was just having an off day like they all do. Ds never repeated his "help me" performance again.

AdamJSusan · 29/03/2011 16:31

Yes Hully did say 'afterwards', and to be fair I did not say 'whack them around the head' as Hully mentions.

Reasonabvle chastisement is uncomfortable for a lot of people, it soon strays to talk of Baby P etc.

Sometimes reasonable chastisement saves years of spoilt brat behaviour.

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