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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me I'm not an evil Mother?!

169 replies

loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 10:43

I've just got back from a very stressful trip to a soft play place with my 4 year old daughter. (I was also looking after my 2 year old nephew)
She played nicely for a bit and then kept climbing up the slide and trying to slide down the steps on her bottom, which I told her not to do as she would knock the other children over who were trying to come up the steps. After 3 warnings about this, I told her she was going to have to come and sit on my lap if she couldn't use the slide properly. Well, she continued to do it again so I went and picked her up and sat down with her on my lap
MAJOR meltdown. She screamed and cried until the point where she was red in the face, people were staring and pointing at us and she was actually hurting me trying to wriggle off my lap, kicking her legs and trying to puch my hands away. SHe was shouting "you're hurting me!" (which I wasn't) I was so embarrassed but thought 'I'm not going to let her get away with this behaviour, they can continue to stare at me but she's not going back to play until she has calmed down and stopped being so silly.'
Well, after a good 15 minutes of this behaviour I became so embarrassed that I put her in my nephew's pushchair and took them both home. All the way back to the car she was shouting to people walking past "help me, help me"
I was absolutely mortified and was in tears in the car on the way home.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:20

MmeLindt, that's it isn't it? You still have the rules of the world and they are what they are. But it's so much easier if you learn that every day is different. Every situation is different. And you respond on the day to the mood, the environment etc.

Having a blanket policy of three strikes an you're out and then time out is one where parents say but sometimes it works well, other days we get huge screaming fits and the day ruined. Well that's because every day is different and it's about working together according to opportunity, fatigue levels, boredom, hunger, appropriate behaviour, wilful behaviour etc.

If dd ran out in the middle of the road shouting ha I don't care about the rules I wouldn't be standing there shouting look I'm a jellyfish dd, let's flap our arms. But if she's bored or tired or hungry and her behaviour reflects that, then I respond in the way that is appropriate at the time.

gysela · 29/03/2011 11:21

I have a little problem with the one size fits all parenting strategies. My eldest DD will be distracted before the tantrum stage, I will use Hully's technique with her. My youngest will not be fazed and once her mind is set on something will go through with it. She will also behave like the OP's DD. When she was younger we just went home once she stopped listening. Its not really a power struggle sometimes its down to personalities

Jennytailia · 29/03/2011 11:24

Honestly what is wrong with telling a child the right way to do things and then expecting them to listen?

And then having consequences to them not doing as they are told.

A mother has asked for reassurance after following through with a reasonable consequence. Don't knock her and say she did wrong.

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 11:24

We weren't there, Loopy, so difficult to say if you could have done any different. Distraction can be lots of different things - come have a drink of juice and a biscuit, you must be hungry and thirsty - let's go check out that toy/slide over there, it looks like fun.

Yes, you had to protect the other children so there was no way you could have let her go on.

The thing is, we know that there is the chance that a child will stop before we get to #3, cause they have learned this in the past. But they don't always.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:25

You didn't say anything about distraction in your op. It's tiring but did you distract in a fun way? Not just 'why don't you go and play elsewhere?' You really have to engage and be present to encourage them.

Your op is difficult because it paints you as a distance away giving orders and only going over to remove her.

I think when you're asking a 4yr old to self entertain somewhere like soft play, when they find a way to do it that pleases them and it's not appropriate you do need to show them a better way. Because soft play is a land of opportunity and if you're out there alone in it as a young child, often you're not going to make the best choices on your own.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 11:25

We (all two of us) didn't, we said it was ineffective. Did you bother reading the thread?

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 11:26

Jenny
We are not knocking her, but trying to help her find a strategy that would work with her DD. So that in future she can try this out and see if it helps.

Maybe it will. And she will avoid these situations.

Once the children are older, and able to see the consequences of their actions then you can reason with them. When they are still little, they have no impulse control and all the timeout in the world is not going to help them realise what they are doing is wrong.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:29

"Honestly what is wrong with telling a child the right way to do things and then expecting them to listen?

And then having consequences to them not doing as they are told. "

Well I suggest that you have to teach them first and teaching a very young child is not about telling them and expecting them to have the maturity and wherewithal to automatically understand how to change their behaviour.

I don't tell my child to put on her shoes or get dressed or tidy her room and expect her to just do it. I showed her how to do these things first. And encouraged her and helped her to know how to interact with me and others.

A mother asked for reassurance yes. Well that implies she's not sure if it was the right way of handling things. And to answer I can only be honest. I won't say yes that was probably the best way if I don't think it was.

gysela · 29/03/2011 11:30

loopy has just had a very hard time with her DD. All she needs now is a little support and gentle reassurance she is not a bad mum. She may have done things differently but we all have bad days with our kids, even those of us who are experts at distraction.
Hugs loopy Smile

Original poster
loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 11:30

Sorry if I didn't explain myself very well in my opening post. I'd literally just got in and was still upset about it. I'd taken my shoes off while we were at soft play, was playing with the children on the equipment, not just sitting at the table watching them from a distance. And had tried distracting before I started giving her warnings but my daughter is very strong willed and no amount of trying to distract her to another area was working

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:32

Nobody said she was a bad mum.

She asked if she was BU. And for an AIBU thread it's very lovely indeed. People aren't condemning her. A small gaggle of us are suggesting other ways as she sounds stressed and unhappy and her day out was ruined.

Surely if there's a possibility that another way might work better next time and it's another tool in the parenting arsenal, then why not suggest it?

FaultyGoods · 29/03/2011 11:37

I agree, ShowOfHands, it doesn't hurt to hear how others handle things (whether you agree or not). It's an interesting discussion about something we all have had to deal with at some point.

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 11:43

She is receiving support and reassurance.

And a few suggestions of what she can try next time.

If a poster says, "I don't know what to do, DS just doesn't like veg", do we say, "Oh, you poor soul, how terrible", or "Try hiding it in soup or spag bol, if need by liquidise it"?

There is nothing wrong with saying, "I went through that with my DC and this is what worked for us".

My two are 6yo and 8yo and generally do what they are told, even though DS in particular is very strong willed. We do sometimes have tantrums, but less and less.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 29/03/2011 11:48

Hullygully, are you saying that you don't actually say 'Stop doing that', you see inappropriate play and move straight to distraction?

worraliberty · 29/03/2011 11:49

You did the right thing OP.

4yrs is well old enough to know she can't get away with that sort of behaviour.

Has she started school yet? I sounds like she might benefit from a structured environment.

GnomeDePlume · 29/03/2011 11:50

Loopy I think you did the right thing. My DS would sometimes get so worked up that we would leave places basically to get away to somewhere quieter and calmer so that he could then calm down. Over time he learnt that if he wanted to have a good time then he would need to learn to control himself and not scream and shout.

Even now (DCs are 15, 12 & 11) after a pleasant day out we will say 'well done everyone'. It isnt meant seriously but it is a kind of reminder to earlier days when getting to that point took more of an effort!

worraliberty · 29/03/2011 11:52

That's so funny Gnome the sort of thing I still say to my 19yr old when he finishes all his dinner! Blush

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:55

I think Hully probably does say 'stop doing that'. But to her 14yr old. With a weary sigh. Or maybe she jumps up and down distracting with games of hunt the turnip. All 14yr olds like that don't they?

NB, we actually did play hunt the turnip here yesterday. I was surprised how much we all enjoyed it. And I'm 30.

Original poster
loopylucy789 · 29/03/2011 11:56

Thanks worraliberty, no she's not at school yet. She a September birthday so will be one of the oldest when she starts in September.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:57

We were at MIL's for dinner on Sunday and dh ate all of his cabbage even though he doesn't like it. He was being polite. MIL exclaimed 'well done DH' with gusto until she realised he has a beard and works as a police officer these days.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 11:57

Heathern - It depends on the behaviour of course, but er, yes, that's the general idea. Usually with a bit of Goodness me, that's a bit silly, isn't it? thrown in (as said earlier). I never really did "Stop doing that" as it always seemed like the proverbial red rag.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 11:58

Is she excited about school loopy?

DD starts in September. She's still only 3. I can't quite believe she'll be at school 5 days a week.

Onetoomanycornettos · 29/03/2011 12:00

One of the big issues I have with the 'play games and distract' technique is that whilst I agree it works well, and I use it a lot at home, my children now think that others will spend that time engaging with them and negotiating, when in fact, they won't. At school, the teachers expect them to do as they are told, no fun, no distraction, just to sit down.

I think a balance therefore has to be struck. If you are parenting in a way in which you are completely out of step with all other adults who are going to be in charge of your children, it's difficult. I have gone from always side-stepping, to now side-stepping out of constant confrontation, but then having a few very firm rules which are not up for discussion.

No-one else is going to spend that amount of time and energy distracting your disobedient child who is actually going out of their way to engage in a power struggle, and sometimes, I don't think it hurts to calmly let them know that you do need to behave nicely in a public place and according to the rules of the playcentre. If not, it's sad, but you do have to leave.

ShowOfHands · 29/03/2011 12:00

"DD is there any particular reason why you're putting plasticine up the hoover attachment?" is my approach of choice.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 12:00

Yes. as Show said, that was when they were younger..

There's not much call for it now. Although a good game of hunt the turnip never goes amiss. And I have just discovered a brilliant one with dd (12). She is supposed to go to bed at 9 and often doesn't want to, so I say, oh let mummy help you, ickle pickle, mummy help with jimmy-jams, and start pulling her clothes off. You've never seen anyone run to bed so fast.