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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a wedding present

113 replies

KD0706 · 28/03/2011 22:29

Sorry, I'm sure this has been done to death...

We're shortly attending a wedding, the groom is a friend of DH. Ive never met either of the couple. The wedding is at the other end of the country, we're flying down and having two nights in a hotel.

The couple don't have a wedding list as such, there was no mention of presents on the wedding info (eg accommodation info etc) sheet. Just a card put in with the invite saying they have a gift list at, I think, trailfinders. I went to the website and basically it appears to be a way for guests to contribute towards the couples honeymoon. Nothing like 'buy a meal out/water skiing trip' etc. Just simply select an amount of money, pay with your debit card and it gets credited to their account.

We're not completely broke, but I am on mat leave ATM, and we've shelled out quite a bit to attend the wedding. I might have bought a token gift if they'd had something like a John Lewis gift list. But I'm inclined to just not bother contributing to their honeymoon.

Is that really bad? DH isn't bothered either way and it's his mate.

OP posts:
domesticslattern · 28/03/2011 22:30

I don't like the style, but, with a heavy heart, I would stump up twenty quid or so.

FreudianSlippery · 28/03/2011 22:32

I think YANBU but out of courtesy you should contact them and say sorry we can't afford to give anything, and explain why. If they're decent friends/people they'll understand and will just be happy you're making the effort to be there.

bubblecoral · 28/03/2011 22:37

I don't like the way couples seem to have started making guests pay for their honeymoon at all, but I think it would be rude to go to their wedding without giving a gift of some kind.

squeakytoy · 28/03/2011 22:38

I would put some money or a voucher into the card.

It would be very rude not to give a present at all. As most people already live together now before getting married, it is quite normal to ask for contributions towards a honeymoon.

Beamur · 28/03/2011 22:40

Why not make a 'token' contribution to their honeymoon?

Personally, I quite like the idea and don't see why it is less agreeable than a wedding list.

serin · 28/03/2011 22:43

You just can't go to a wedding without a gift, it is wrong.

Could you spend less on attending the wedding? maybe spend one night in a hotel instead of 2 or drive there and back in a day even?

Original poster
KD0706 · 28/03/2011 22:46

I think I probably feel different because it's DHs friends not mine, which is why I wanted opinions.
He seems to think it's ok to give nothing but it's been niggling at me.

This is the first time I've had a wedding invite which asks for money towards honeymoon. It just kind of feels like paying to attend. Almost like they should have sold tickets to the wedding.

Also I know it sounds daft but I would have felt ok say spending £15 on an object from a wedding list but it feels really cheap handing over the same amount as a honeymoon contribution.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/03/2011 22:47

Yabu if you on't get a gift at all, but know what you mean about the trailfinders thing.

Original poster
KD0706 · 28/03/2011 22:50

Sorry serin x posted. Can't really drive, it's app an 11 hour drive and we have a 10mo DD.
We could have economised by not staying in the hotel the wedding is being held at, but it seemed much easier to have a room there since we'll have DD with us.

Hmm I think I will just have to suck it up and 'pay' £20 or so, which is what I would have spent on a gift.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/03/2011 22:51

Its not a case of "sucking it up", you are simply giving them what they would like as a present. :)

bubblecoral · 28/03/2011 22:53

^Also I know it sounds daft but I would have felt ok say spending £15 on an object from a wedding list but it feels really cheap handing over the same amount as a honeymoon contribution.^

That's the difference between asking for something on s list and asking for a cash donation. It makes guests feel awkward and puts pressure on them to spend more. Mostly when people have lists they put some very cheap things on there, but at least you know they are things they want.

TigerFeet · 28/03/2011 22:55

I didn't have a weddign list, dh I had already been living together for years and didn't really need much.

Prob not the done thing but we asked for B&Q vouchers, we needed to do our bathroom up

Some people gave loads, some a fiver, some not at all

TBH I can't remember now who gave what

We ended up with enough to do a decent job and we were grateful

I don't think it matters whether the couple want a toaster, some Egyptian cotton towels or a contribution to their honeymoon. Just add whatever you would have spent to the fund.

I was happy that people came to the wedding tbh, what they brought with them was only an added bonus.

If you have an amount of money that you're prepared to spend on a gift, does it matter what you spend it on?

Magicjamas · 28/03/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LargeGlassOfRedPlease · 28/03/2011 22:57

are you for real?! Going to a wedding without a gift?? The very fact that you are asking the Q astonishes me.

suburbanslob · 28/03/2011 22:59

In my neck of the woods if you can't afford a wedding present you kindly decline the invite. In terms of the giving money for honeymoon - why not? No skin off your nose if you spend £15 on that or a token present.

MilaMae · 28/03/2011 23:01

Sorry I think wedding lists(and this are awful).

Attending a wedding costs a small fortune if you factor in petrol,outfits,hotels etc.

Couples should just appreciate guests attending end of.To be frank if I though for one minute anybody would resent me not buying a gift or contributing to their honeymoon I wouldn't go.

People don't have to attend a wedding,it's a privilege to have people give up a day and spend a lot of money to help celebrate your day. You choose to have the day,nobody has to pay for your honeymoon, keep you in John Lewis glasses or anything else.

It's rude and a cheek so personally op I wouldn't pay a penny.If they're true friends they'll just appreciate you turning up and not expect anything.

LargeGlassOfRedPlease · 28/03/2011 23:02

Why care what the money is used for.

Contributing towards a honeymoon memory they will hold dear forever or a dinner plate from John Lewis? I know what I'd rather do.

It's not cheeky of them IMO, it's making sure that the money spent iby their guests is much apprecriated and not wasted.

fatlazymummy · 28/03/2011 23:05

As you are having to pay for travel and accomodation I would only give a very small amount to their honey moon account, if you can afford it. And a nice card of course.
If people are having to pay out a large amount of money to attend then they can't really be expected to pay a large amount for the gift as well.
Like others, I didn't expect anyone to give me presents when I got married. I was very grateful for what I was given. If people had just given us a card then that would have been perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
KD0706 · 28/03/2011 23:06

Gosh, there were definitely people at my wedding who didn't give a present. I've always thought that it was about having your guests company etc. And also it costs people so much to attend weddings so I didn't think couples necessarily expected a gift. Big eye opener!

I haven't actually attended a wedding without giving a gift (hence asking the q on here). But I didn't realise it was such a no no to turn up empty handed.

I didn't mind that some of my guests didn't buy presents, they travelled to be with us, spent money on outfit, accommodation, drinks on the night.

But I am definitely educated now!!

OP posts:
LargeGlassOfRedPlease · 28/03/2011 23:07

Oh come on...how many people do you know who have actually gone to a wedding without a gift? That mere life-long tradition?

It doesn't have to be expensive ffs.

A dear friend of ours gave us something to plant in our garden when we got back from our honeymoon...how great is that - we see it everyday and is a reminder of our friend/our wedding day. Probably cost £10.

MilaMae · 28/03/2011 23:12

For some people £10 is way too much when you've had to spend a small fortune.

Op you could get a hanging heart dec,I've done that before for about £2. Sorry it's bloody tough if if there is resentment. It's the thought that counts and turning up often costs far more than people can afford. Turning up is a gift in itself.

fatlazymummy · 28/03/2011 23:14

largeglassofred, sometimes people just don't have £10 to spend. In fact they might actually be penniless.
I would hate to think that any of my friends or family felt obliged to spend money on a present for me if they really couldn't afford it.

LaWeasel · 28/03/2011 23:26

I think I would make my DH cough up the gift from his spends. (even if it was only a fiver or tenner).

In fact I did this at a wedding where I didn't really know and was really cross with the bride and groom about how awkward various things were (feel a teeny bit bad now at being so irritated at the time, although obviously I didn't say anything!) and DH - who was not annoyed with them, was much more generous than I would have been so I felt absolved a bit of my guilt.

Nobody gave us nothing at all for our wedding, although some people bought very cheap gifts. I didn't mind at all about that.

Actually, that's not true, I was annoyed with one guest with had been filling facebook for weeks with all the expensive things they were buying for themselves and then bought us a really cheap gift. That added to the fact that they barely spoke to us and left early, it made me feel like our wedding didn't really matter to them... and if that was the case, why did they bother coming?

JaneS · 28/03/2011 23:30

Erm, plenty of people came to our wedding without gifts because we made it very clear we'd rather see them than see their money! Most of our mates are students and deep in debt and I promise you no-one tutted about them turning up empty handed. Hmm

If you can't afford it don't give. They won't know if you have or not, the way you describe the system, so won't have the chance to be upset. Get them a nice card.

cpbp · 28/03/2011 23:36

i would definately agree that you need to mark the occasion with something- however small. What about a nice bottle of something for them to drink when they come back from honeymoon.

At our wedding, it seemed that those who had the least gave the most. One couple, who had plenty money didnt even give us a card. Chris and Gill, you are notorious now for your meaness (wasn;t just us that have experienced it over the years). In the end, years after the wedding, Chris stiffed my H who loaned him £1K when he was stuck. Where we muppets or what!!

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