To not give a wedding present

[KD0706]

Sorry, I'm sure this has been done to death...

We're shortly attending a wedding, the groom is a friend of DH. Ive never met either of the couple. The wedding is at the other end of the country, we're flying down and having two nights in a hotel.

The couple don't have a wedding list as such, there was no mention of presents on the wedding info (eg accommodation info etc) sheet. Just a card put in with the invite saying they have a gift list at, I think, trailfinders. I went to the website and basically it appears to be a way for guests to contribute towards the couples honeymoon. Nothing like 'buy a meal out/water skiing trip' etc. Just simply select an amount of money, pay with your debit card and it gets credited to their account.

We're not completely broke, but I am on mat leave ATM, and we've shelled out quite a bit to attend the wedding. I might have bought a token gift if they'd had something like a John Lewis gift list. But I'm inclined to just not bother contributing to their honeymoon.

Is that really bad? DH isn't bothered either way and it's his mate.

I wouldn't turn up at a friends house for an impromtu BBQ without bringing a gift never mind a wedding.

I can't really get worked up about people asking for contribution to a honeymoon. I would hate not to give a gift, and if that is what they really want, and will have memories to cherish, then that is fine. Better than cash as you know what the money is going to and not just being frittered away. Better than doubling up on unnecessary consumer goods too!
I also don't get the "just invite 4 people and a cat" argument. Having a large gathering, however cheap or expensive, makes a wedding feel like a significant event and a celebration.

Up here in Scotland it is usual for neighbours, parents friends, distant relatives, work colleagues etc, who are not even going to the wedding, to give a present.

About two weeks before the wedding there is THE SHOW OF PRESENTS!

This normally takes place at the brides parents house and is basically an excuse to get everybody together (mainly the women) before the big day to have a nosey at what everyone else has given. The presents are all laid out in the bedrooms and you take people up and show them who gave you what.
It is very unusual to take the present to the wedding.

Regardless of how skint you are please don't go without a present, even if it's just a token gesture.

I wouldn't turn up to a bbq without a gift either.A wedding that had already cost me £100s when strapped for cash is a different matter.

"please don't go without a present"- I doubt the sky will fall in and most decent people will just appreciate seeing their guests.

I agree with the OP asking for money is crass and bad manners, but if it's what they want and you care about these people then grit your teeth and do it. Just give a small amount, say £20 or £10. Being there is the most important thing.
Or get them a gift that they are sure to use, eg a nice bottle of wine, but more expensive than you'd normally buy for yourself, say a £10 bottle rather than £5 one and then you won't look stingy and they won't have an unwanted gift cluttering up their already well furnished home.
Finally I wouldn't give an expensive gift at an expensive wedding, I would do the opposite - I would give £££ to couples who were skint and be a bit more careful with those who could afford a lavish do as they obviously had money to burn!

I really don't get the 'it has cost me hundreds to go' i.e travel, hotel, clothes but I'm too tight to spend another £20/£30 per family on the grounds of being too skint/don't know the couple attitude. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO...cuts the costs right down. Alternatively, spend that much less on the hotel or on your outfits! In these circumstances, it might have been better to decline the invitation and allow the maligned bride and groom allocate those valuable wedding reception seats to someone else. I've given non personal gift vouchers and champagne before where there has been no wedding lists. I'm another who has been brought up to take a present however token it might be - it's called being polite!

I think its rude and presumptious (sorry about spelling!!) to ask for gift or money..we invited friends and family and the only when asked what we would like said sorry we dont need anything just your attendance,nearly everyone who attended gave generous amounts of money in cards on the day and a few gave their of choice of girt which was lovely to have some keepsakes. It really didn't matter to us who gave what.

I would notice if someone didn't give a gift (but we had a small wedding of 60 guests) but not nec think the worse of them. If you'd rather give a tangible gift, buy something that is meaningful to them, and give it to them. If you choose nicely, and give in a spirit of love, I'm sure they'll be happy to receive.

I usually turn down invites with requests for cash as hate them, if they want a honeymoon fine but they should pay for it.

Take a nice bottle of wine and a card.

I think it is really astonishing this trend for expensive weddings and expectations for people to pay and take time off work etc to attend weddings/hen/stag do's.

1 Year my ex and I were invited to 3 weddings which were in country mansions (all arranged for midweek so cheaper for the bride/groom - but would have meant 3 days off work for us for each of them).

We realised if we went to the weddings we couldn't afford and wouldn't have annual leave left for our summer holiday.

I have been to some weddings where i have taken time off work, paid hundreds of pounds and travelled across country not to even get a glass of wine at the reception! The couple then bitched about people not giving them presents.

They had spent thousands on clothes, flowers, harpists etc but decided guests could buy all their own food and drink - because it wasn't all about them so why should they.

It appears people have forgot how to be good hosts. Anyway rant over.

When i got married we tried to keep all costs down for people and some did not get us a present - we didn't care, we just wanted them there.

Same as HappyMum.