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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a wedding present

113 replies

KD0706 · 28/03/2011 22:29

Sorry, I'm sure this has been done to death...

We're shortly attending a wedding, the groom is a friend of DH. Ive never met either of the couple. The wedding is at the other end of the country, we're flying down and having two nights in a hotel.

The couple don't have a wedding list as such, there was no mention of presents on the wedding info (eg accommodation info etc) sheet. Just a card put in with the invite saying they have a gift list at, I think, trailfinders. I went to the website and basically it appears to be a way for guests to contribute towards the couples honeymoon. Nothing like 'buy a meal out/water skiing trip' etc. Just simply select an amount of money, pay with your debit card and it gets credited to their account.

We're not completely broke, but I am on mat leave ATM, and we've shelled out quite a bit to attend the wedding. I might have bought a token gift if they'd had something like a John Lewis gift list. But I'm inclined to just not bother contributing to their honeymoon.

Is that really bad? DH isn't bothered either way and it's his mate.

OP posts:
anonymosity · 28/03/2011 23:41

Either pay nothing and say nothing or do the nominal sum thing (and say nothing).

I agree that its just a bit cheeky to ask people to contribute to the honeymoon when the cost of attending is already something you're having to carry.

Scuttlebutter · 29/03/2011 01:48

My default gift in these circumstances is a bottle of champagne, plus a decent card. I would feel very uncomfortable giving cash for their honeymoon.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/03/2011 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

MadamDeathstare · 29/03/2011 02:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/03/2011 02:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/03/2011 02:27

Hello?

Yes. I need to speak to Captain Caustic.

Oh... that's me?

erk.. Confused

Original poster
KD0706 · 29/03/2011 02:38

jareth are you having an argument with yourself??

I was about to tell you to knob off for being so rude but I think I'll leave you to your own devices!!

Ps I'm not English... How very dare you.

(I'm joking about that btw, before I get jumped on for being anti English)

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/03/2011 02:44

report me all you want.. I still think you're the one that's rude.

MadamDeathstare · 29/03/2011 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 06:32

Sigh...

If you can afford it, do it. If you can't, don't.

I hope they have a lovely time on their honeymoon.

ceres · 29/03/2011 06:49

'For some people £10 is way too much when you've had to spend a small fortune.

It's the thought that counts and turning up often costs far more than people can afford. Turning up is a gift in itself.'

nobody 'has' to spend anything to attend a wedding - or any other event they are invited to. if you get an invitation then you decide whether you would like to go and whether you can afford to attend. if you either don't want to go or can't afford to go then you politely decline. job done.

it is downright rude to turn up to any party - be it a meal at someone's house or a wedding - empty handed.

lubeybooby · 29/03/2011 07:01

YABTU

You would be happy getting something from John Lewis... say £20 or so. What difference does it make putting that towards what they actually want instead? Better than buying them a bloody toaster they will never use or napkins they don't need.

onceamai · 29/03/2011 07:21

I don't like the concept but have always worked on the basis that the wedding gift should be about twice the reasonable cost per head of the wedding - so if it's a sit down meal and alcohol provided that's probably about 40 per head, possibly more now, so as a couple we would have given 80. TBH if you are skint, I'd send a present and decline the invitation.

ZenNudist · 29/03/2011 11:20

I would never attend a wedding without a gift and I would always spend a reasonable amount. IMHO £15-20 is a bit tight unless you are genuinely broke. OP is your £15 going to look a bit tight against how you live the rest of your life? Apologies for asking but at my wedding I was embarrassed that not so well off friends gave me gifts as I really wasn't bothered and just wanted them to be there, so it might depend on your circumstances how the bride & groom view your gift (or lack thereof).

It's a minefield and I understand why 'cash' gifts such as this rankle. Still Im confused why you and your dh are so indifferent / resentful of giving a gift. You clearly care enough to go all that way to their wedding. Why not just give them something and wish them well?

HappyAsIAm · 29/03/2011 11:26

I've never attended a wedding without buying a gift. Come to think of it, even when i've declined wedding invitations (and it would only be because they clashed with something else that had been organised and paid for, like a holiday), I've still sent a gift. I am fortunate though in that i feel able to afford that.

But several people came to our wedding and didn't give a gift. I didn't mind at all. I didn't think about it at all until seeing your post. It didn't bother me then, 4 years ago, and doesn't bother me now. I was just happy that they came. Incidentally, they would definitely have been able to afford a substantial gift.

sparkle12mar08 · 29/03/2011 11:30

I'd much, much, much rather put money towards something the happy couple actually want - that way I know it's genuinely appreciated. So I don't care whether it's a gift list, or a honeymoon account or whatever. If you're genuinely broke call them and explain that you're delighted to be able to come and celebrate their marriage and new life together but that your gift will unfortunately be a token one. And then put whatever you would have spent on a physical present into their honeymoon fund with good grace. And even if you're not completely broke, do exactly the same. PS, it's the good grace bit that really counts...

brizzagirl · 29/03/2011 11:33

Why don't you buy a nice photoframe for a tenner or so and put a nice picture in it of you all together if you have one, or a pic of them? Or even give it blank so they can put a wedding photo in it. That way you have not given cash and not been obvious about how much you have spent IYSWIM but still given a present considering they have invited you to the wedding.
Or if you know them well and have lots of photos, you could do one of those personalised photobook things.

brizzagirl · 29/03/2011 11:35

Oh sorry just seen on your OP you have never met them but presumably your DH knows them!

FessaEst · 29/03/2011 11:39

Plenty of my friend's didn't give us anything for our wedding. I have one or two who still apologise from time to time, but I would never have registered it otherwise. Weddings are expensive to attend and if you are not that close, I really wouldn't worry. A nice card should be fine.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 11:45

YABU - a present should be roughly the amount that you going to an event will cost the host! It would be totally unacceptable to take nothing - you shouldn't accept the invitation at all if you cannot take a gift.

Thus:

Kids party £7.50 - £10 present
Dinner party £10 - £15 wine, flowers etc.
Wedding evening do £35 present/token
Wedding all day £100 present/token

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 11:52

Better manners, in fact, to send a gift in lieu of your being there, if you can't afford the full cost of the event. You must RSVP 'We cannot come' and send a small gift. I cannot fathom on what planet it is OK to give a gift worth a fiver at a wedding! Or none!!!!! Shock

bemybebe · 29/03/2011 12:01

I have to agree with candleshoe. If you cannot afford a wedding gift don't go to a wedding.

I have hard time understanding the extend to which you are skint if you can afford to travel/stay in a hotel for 2 days, but cannot afford 50£ towards what the hosts have asked for, fgs.

porcamiseria · 29/03/2011 12:05

its very tight to not give a gift, just give 25 quid if skint

Lulabellarama · 29/03/2011 12:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Figgyrolls · 29/03/2011 12:15

dh's cousin gave us 2x candles for wedding gift, we knew they were skint and thought it was very kind, they are very sweet and on display all the time, if anyone lights them they will get a large kicking from me. Perhaps get them a photoframe from somewhere to put a memory of their honeymoon? Or am sure that even £15 would be appreciated!