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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a wedding present

113 replies

KD0706 · 28/03/2011 22:29

Sorry, I'm sure this has been done to death...

We're shortly attending a wedding, the groom is a friend of DH. Ive never met either of the couple. The wedding is at the other end of the country, we're flying down and having two nights in a hotel.

The couple don't have a wedding list as such, there was no mention of presents on the wedding info (eg accommodation info etc) sheet. Just a card put in with the invite saying they have a gift list at, I think, trailfinders. I went to the website and basically it appears to be a way for guests to contribute towards the couples honeymoon. Nothing like 'buy a meal out/water skiing trip' etc. Just simply select an amount of money, pay with your debit card and it gets credited to their account.

We're not completely broke, but I am on mat leave ATM, and we've shelled out quite a bit to attend the wedding. I might have bought a token gift if they'd had something like a John Lewis gift list. But I'm inclined to just not bother contributing to their honeymoon.

Is that really bad? DH isn't bothered either way and it's his mate.

OP posts:
NotAnotherNewNappy · 29/03/2011 12:17

I would have found a cheaper hotel and spent less on my outfit to be able to afford to contribute towards something the Bride and Groom actually want (be that something from an overpriced JL giftlist or a handy contribution to their honeymoon). I would usually give £50 if I was invited to the whole day and £25-30 to just the evening - and we are on quite a tight budget.

Most couples spend months agonising how to best entertain their guests on their wedding day - they stretch their budgets as to be able to afford to treat them to the best quality (and quanitity!) of food and drink on the day. It is a privilege to be invited to enjoy someone's special day.

You sound mean not to want to give them anything as they are DH's friends not your own. Don't go if you see the whole thing as a massive inconvenience to you and do not generally wish the couple well.

Abr1de · 29/03/2011 12:20

'Can't really drive, it's app an 11 hour drive and we have a 10mo DD.'

This is doable. We regularly drove from the south of England to the north of Scotland with very small babies.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:21

Speaking for myself I am not materialistic at all (really you should see my shabby house!) - but I do have some understanding of formal etiquette and good manners and also a very realistic approach to the enormous cost of hosting an event.

Yes people want you to 'be their guest' but even a quite simple hotel wedding can cost as much as £120 per guest you invite! So to go with no gift is just plain rude inasmuchas it fails to acknowledge their expenditure at all.

bemybebe · 29/03/2011 12:21

Lulabellarama this is not a fair accusation I think. OP is full of resentment of making an effort to travel, stay for 2 nights and not having a list that OP approves of. She does not sound like a friend.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:25

If the wedding is a super cheapo registry office and walk to the local pub for sarnies and sausage rolls where you buy your own drinks - in those circumstances spending only £5-£10 on a present MIGHT be acceptable!

Laquitar · 29/03/2011 12:27

I would be more concerned about the flights, hotel and outfits than the £20. That is the serious expense and i would check prices in cheaper hotels, b and b.

LaWeasel · 29/03/2011 12:29

As many people have said, if you have made an effort to go to a wedding when you are skint the couple are unlikely to care whether you give a gift. (although I am utterly skint at the moment, and even if I would still take SOMETHING even if it meant my making something because I couldn't afford to buy anything at all)

But I really don't see how they can be that skint if they can afford the flights, 2 nights at a hotel, and would have spent on a gift list but just don't want to because it's a cash submission.

It isn't about whether they're broke. It's about not really wanting to go, and again, if you don't want to - why bother?! Just send your husband if he wants to go and save the money on the flights and hotel.

bemybebe · 29/03/2011 12:30

Incidentally, we got married in Vegas in jeans and t-shirt. Had fantastic 1 week honeymoon in Grand Canyon. Back in Europe (dh and I are from different European countries) we had a number of low key noisy parties with our friends (our treat) and had no gifts (our condition).

I would never ever turn up to a formal wedding without a gift if there is a gift list. Absolutely terrible manners!

Lulabellarama · 29/03/2011 12:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ladysybil · 29/03/2011 12:32

If you are shelling out so much money to travel accross the country, for basically what amounts to a weekend away for yourselves, then how much more difficult is it to spend twenty quid on some crystal? or non crystal glasses? a vase. something like that?

seems like a very odd op.

Figgyrolls · 29/03/2011 12:32

If you don't want to give cash, just go and buy a present to take. I hate giving cash as it makes me feel like I haven't been generous enough and I like to think I have bought something and an actual thing. You don't have to give something on the list if you don't want to, for our wedding we had lots of more interesting presents that we hadn't thought of and really love, a brilliant tray for example (you can get really nice ones for not very much), some lovely bone china cups for tea, candles, picture frames and some very extraordinary puppets which was a bit strange but then so are our friends who gave them to us!

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:33

Lula - That is the same logic that decrees you don't spend £100 on a kids party gift - but you do spend that on your own kid's birthday - it is called 'common sense!'

AllGoodNamesGone · 29/03/2011 12:35

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'd be quite happy to give them the amount I'd have spent on a gift. I'm assuming they don't really need anything for their house and I'd rather they had a nice holiday than end up with lots of unwanted things that sit in a cupboard for a few years before ending up at the charity shop.

I get quite upset about money being wasted on unwanted gifts!

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:38

I agree - the 'trailfinders' give 'money for the honeymoon' thing is a good option for people who already have a fully stocked joint home!

I rec'd a load of useless ugly old-fashioned cut glass at my wedding!

Lulabellarama · 29/03/2011 12:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

bemybebe · 29/03/2011 12:41

Lulabellarama gift is not compulsory and the OP and her dh are not the friends you are referring to.

Lulabellarama · 29/03/2011 12:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:43

No you misunderstand - I merely said it might be acceptable - have a look back!

Personally I wouldn't spend less than £100 on a wedding present regardless of where/what/who the event entailed.

Quenelle · 29/03/2011 12:45

We were in a very similar situation recently, except the groom was an old friend. They had asked for contributions to their honeymoon and we couldn't afford much after paying to stay in a hotel. But we gave them £20 towards their honeymoon. Much better to do that than spend money you can't afford on something they don't really want. And every amount helps.

bemybebe · 29/03/2011 12:45

Lulabellarama "I actually find it offensive that you believe that grading friends in order of who has the most money is 'common sense'.
By that logic I would get a present worth 3 times less than my best friend, because her wedding was 3 times as expensive? Should people be putting the cost of their weddings in invitations to ensure they get a present of the right value?"

Ok, now it sounds just plain stupid.

Quenelle · 29/03/2011 12:46

Blimey! If I had to spend £100 on a wedding present on top of all the other potential costs - outfit, hen/stag do, hotel, drinks - I wouldn't be going to many weddings any more.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:48

I would sooner not have a new outfit and use a cheaper hotel and be able to give more to the happy couple!

MilaMae · 29/03/2011 12:49

Jesus I'm shocked at how many materialistic people are and as for the list of how much you should spend feck off. £10 for a kids party pmsl(I've never gone over a fiver and never will,I decide how much I can afford not etiquette).

£100 for a wedding gift you have to be joking. Beginning to see why this country has so many people with debt problems.

We've just been to a close friends wedding I really needed to be there for.It cost a bloody fortune.

I had to get outfits for me and the 3 kids as not being loaded and casual people we didn't have wedding outfits just sitting in wardrobes waiting to be worn.

I had to take a days unpaid leave.

The petrol cost us £50.

We then had a panic on where to stay as £50 was the cheapest hotel we could find(family of 5) which we couldn't afford. Thankfully we managed to get relations to put us up.

If it had been nowhere near relations we would have been stuffed. I broached the subject of us not going and said friend was very upset at the suggestion. She didn't send out wedding lists and obviously would rather have had us there minus a gift than not at all. I managed to stump up for a gift as we were put up for the weekend and she was a close old friend but if we'd had to pay for the hotel or it wasn't an old friend then sorry I would have gone giftless.

To expect gifts is wrong and hideously selfish. Many many people these days don't get married at all.We are living in a society reliant on debt and as I last recall aren't living in Victorian Britain so stuff etiquette.If you've already spent more than you can afford go giftless and proud. A nice card with a poem or teeny heart themed gift is meaningful and I for one would be thrilled instead of mortified at people shelling out £100s on a celebration I chose to have.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2011 12:50

I would not go to this wedding and just send them a card. Because I think people who solicit others for money as a gift are grabby, uncouth, vulgar and rude. I don't want to associate with such people, much less go to their wedding.

Cancel it all, get your money back and do something else with it.

Don't give them a bean. If you want a honeymoon, pay for it yourself.

candleshoe · 29/03/2011 12:51

Oooo judgey knickers ahoy!

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