To not give a wedding present

[KD0706]

Sorry, I'm sure this has been done to death...

We're shortly attending a wedding, the groom is a friend of DH. Ive never met either of the couple. The wedding is at the other end of the country, we're flying down and having two nights in a hotel.

The couple don't have a wedding list as such, there was no mention of presents on the wedding info (eg accommodation info etc) sheet. Just a card put in with the invite saying they have a gift list at, I think, trailfinders. I went to the website and basically it appears to be a way for guests to contribute towards the couples honeymoon. Nothing like 'buy a meal out/water skiing trip' etc. Just simply select an amount of money, pay with your debit card and it gets credited to their account.

We're not completely broke, but I am on mat leave ATM, and we've shelled out quite a bit to attend the wedding. I might have bought a token gift if they'd had something like a John Lewis gift list. But I'm inclined to just not bother contributing to their honeymoon.

Is that really bad? DH isn't bothered either way and it's his mate.

i've been in this position before. i was totally broke, my ex having just walked out on me, and i'd spent every penny i had just about on getting there (it was other end of country) and getting a half decent outfit. i had warned them before that i couldn't afford to get much, and being the good friends they are told me not to worry n i didn't have to get a present, me going was present enough :). i found out where they were going for honeymoon and bought them some travel guides for the trip, and a few odds n ends for the plane journey. it hardly cost me anything, and they loved it. just make sure they open it before they go!!!

Exactly, Mila. Really don't know anyone IRL who's so materialistic and grabby, thankfully.

£100 for every wedding (not family members) you are invited is a lot of money for many people. I would have to work for weddings only.

My Dsis had an account for their honeymoon and I told her that I'd prefer to buy her something to keep. She was ok with this as she understood some people like to give gifts in different ways.

In your situation, I would either give them a £20 John Lewis voucher or buy a simple photo frame for their favourite wedding photo.

I was being asked personally - by Lulabella to clarify my position - this doesn't mean I think all wedding gifts should be £100! She was objecting to the idea of it maybe being OK to take a cheaper present to a cheaper wedding.
I personally wouldn't do that. But I do think your gift needs to acknowledge the amount you have cost your hosts!

Mila, judging by the post, the OP is not a "a close friend" and she doesn't "really need to be there".

I would go with expatinscotland suggestion and just stay away.

candleshoe I don't buy a new outfit for every wedding and if I have to stay in a hotel it's the cheapest I can find. There's not much fat to trim there I'm afraid.

Just send them a card with your regards.

I don't either Expat(thankfully).

Op do you live near a beach? I only ask because my dd is always collecting me heart shaped pebbles which I adore(softy emoticon).

I don't know how long you all go back but maybe that would be an idea. I've also seen tiny pewter hearts for 99p and given those which I know people loved. With Valentines day not far behind have a look around.

Personally I'd far rather have something like that which shows real thought than something ticked off a list anyway.

Sorry Candleshoe I don't go with the buying as much as you've cost. We're a family of 5 so in theory we'd cost £250 which means we'd never being able to attend any weddings. Surely if you get a wedding invite it's because people want you to celebrate their special day which they choose to have.

It's also not easy turning invites down.I don't know which would offend most not turning up or going giftless after spending a small fortune to get there(I know which I'd prefer if I was hosting a do).

Personally I'd regard it an honour if people have given up precious free time and spent ££££££ in order to celebrate with me.That would be enough.

We have recently declined a wedding invite as it was going to cost too much for us all to attend. Neither dh or I know the bride.
I was happy to send £20 in a card with our best wishes.
If the wedding had been nearer we would have both gone, got a childminder and still given £20.

I would not go empty handed

Just to add, I did not mind people turning up empty handed to my wedding though.

'My default gift in these circumstances is a bottle of champagne, plus a decent card. I would feel very uncomfortable giving cash for their honeymoon.'

Totally agree Scuttlebutter. We recently went to a wedding (my cousins daughter, lovely girl but I probably see her once a year). When our invitation came they too had asked for money for their honeymoon, I think it's so crass. We took a bottle of Moet and bought a lovely card.

When we arrived at the wedding reception I asked where the present table was and plonked the bottle on it. At the end of the night I glanced at the table on the way out and all that was on the table was out bottle of Moet and huge box stuffed full of envelopes so we were obviously in the minority!!

Thanks everybody for your input. I am taking it on board and do appreciate the posts, even if almost everybody is telling me I'm a tight git.

I agree that in retrospect I should have just sent DH on his own, but that's not an option now. We've RSVP'd, said we'll help out with some things etc.

I said to DH that I think we're being a bit tight and should give them something. He's not keen. It's a hard one because I feel he should have final say as it's his friend. I won't go empty handed and if DH sticks with his opinion I will get something like a £20 John Lewis voucher and stick it in their card. I agree that it seems pointless to get them an object they don't want. Obviously I don't know their taste, the style of their house etc.

As an aside, I mentioned to DH that I'd never met either bride or groom and he reminded me that I have met the groom. He came to our wedding with a different girlfriend to the bride (was years ago). Bad me for not remembering. I checked back my thank you list and groom didn't get us a wedding present. Not meaning that as a reason to not give them a present, just anecdotal that not everybody does give a wedding gift.

Oh and were not completely broke, sorry I thought I'd said that in op. But we are watching money and the flights and hotel were paid for before my smp went down to zero and we had to start being more careful. Spending £20 on a JL voucher isn't going to leave us unable to pay the bills or anything.

When I was skint I wrote a poem, printed it on good parchment paper and framed it for them. They love it as it took my time and effort but no money (about £8 for the frame). I would much rather get a thoughtful gift than something bland from JL. However, I wouldnt have an issue contributing to their honeymoon either if I could afford it.

I detest the asking for money for honeymoon idea - why dont couples just shell out less by having fewer guests/smaller "do" in the first place and they would be able to afford the honeymoon they want instead! and probably enjoy it more than a day spent making polite converstaion with elderly aunts and old friends you may never see again!

I can see why some people might feel funny about giving money. If that is the case I don't see the problem of buying something else or nothing at all if you cant afford it.

I also think that in this day and age most couples already live together and already have a house full of everyday items, the kind of things traditionally given at weddings.

Personally I do not think a list mean the person "expects" people to buy things from the list (ie, expects money). I think it is to help those that have difficulty choosing a gift or those who really want to give a gift that is most needed/appreciated and will not go to waste. Those that do not want to buy from the list do not have to. I am sure the bride in question will appreciate a more personal gift from the op, and will not mind if there is no gift, particularly considering the cost of attending the wedding.

I see wedding lists as helpful suggestions rather than greedy expectations.

Your wedding was years ago and today you checked your thank you list to see what gift your friend gave you years ago?

Weddings should be banned to save our sanity

I look at ours daily as I wrote all the addresses of people who had given us a present and what it was so I could write thank you letters - I am so fecking lazy I haven't put them in a proper address book yet so the tatty old notebook comes out

This thread has been entertaining to read. Some of us were brought up to take a gift to the host/hostess whether it was for a dinner or a wedding. Some of us were not.

The people getting married sound reasonable - not materialistic - they'd rather have people give towards something they will use. I had the same problem with a baby registry - they seem grabby to me (an excuse to almost demand things - tacky) so I compromised and asked people to donate to a newborns charity in lieu of gifts for us. Up to them if they donated or not. I got off the guilt trip/feeling grabby and enjoyed my friends' company. Funnily enough, they ALL brought a gift - a bunch of flowers or potplant. Manners. Cost them $10 but meant the world to us.

Not specifically to the OP: To get hysterical about this and cast judgemental comments on how "my presence should be enough" is laughable. Ironically, at the end of the day, they probably wouldn't give a toss if you went or not, and you were likely on the "obligation" guest list.

Real friends would not question donating/giving towards a friend's wedding, be that via a voucher or trailfinders website.

If you cannot afford to go, or feel you are being shafted by how much you are spending to attend, stay home and save your money for something/someone else - but don't get all judgmental about how others choose to live their lives.

Thank god I am not poor. Meow.

thank you for your excellent post living. point i was desperately trying to make very eloquently put forward by you.

I don't see why giving something towards the honeymoon is such an issue. At least they are up front and open about what is happening to the money you give. We went to a wedding where we had chosen and 'purchased' an item from the online wedding list based at a major store as well as giving a small personal gift (it was a family member and we wanted to give them something we knew they would like to keep). We visited them soon after the wedding and they thanked us for the extra gift , how thoughtful etc. Then told us what a good job it was that we had not bought from the wedding list since the store concerned had said that instead of having the items that people had chosen, they could actually have the credit instead and they had chosen to do this so they could spend it on a 'honeymoon' later in the year! A[[arently this had already been decided prior to even sending out the wedding list!I gather that a number of store offer to give you the credit rather than having to have the gifts that people have 'purchased' from the wedding list. It wasn't that we minded the money going towards a honeymoon, but the underhandedness of it left a nasty taste in the mouth.

Yes thank god you're not poor livingindc,lucky old you that you're not.

We had one or two people who came to the wedding and didn't give a gift- it didn't bother us at all.

I have been to one wedding and not bought a gift because the couple specifically and vehemently requested that they didn't want any gifts.

If it's DH's friend and I don't know the couple from Adam, then I'd let him sort out the gift. Or not. If he doesn't buy one then it's his lookout.