to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

I havent failed as a parent. My lot will eat anything! They have no choice

My cookings shite so anyone elses cooking is a bonus for them - no matter what it is

The parents should have told you beforehand if their kids are that fussy

I don't think not liking one thing on offer is fussy! Not everyone likes the same thing!

I also don't see the issue in having a jam sandwich for dinner! My dds sometimes only want a sandwich for dinner as they had a hot lunch at school/childcare. Don't see the issue! I don't think children who have the odd sandwich for lunch will 'struggle in future' at all!

Also, a jam or cheese sandwich is relatively low maintenance & quick to make, little fuss. Better that than asking you to make a pasta dish, or omelette etc!

And besides, if my kids don't like what they are offered, they'd get nothing more than a sandwich offered, anyway!

alwaysleftout - ds1 doesn't have an 'eating disorder' - but he does seem to be peculiarly sensitive to strong tastes and some textures. The reason I say he doesn't have an ed is because it is a physical response, there isn't an element of him having thought about foods, or even controlling which foods he will eat/won't eat, it is purely down to his body's reaction to some foods. He's always been the same - as a baby he wouldn't eat things like pureed apple because he hated the texture in his mouth, similarly things like scrambled egg (and he still hates egg). I think an eating disorder always has a psychological element, and with ds1, it is largely physical, although obviously when you're nearly 10, you've got preferences as well, and he won't eat things which have made him sick in the past!

The problem with this thread is that for many children, methods outlined by people on here would work. So, if you've got experience of a fussy child who you have helped by a particular method, it is all too easy to assume it would work for every child. And for some, it really wouldn't. So to then assume that a fussy child is 'made that way by the parents', or 'allowed to be fussy' or 'pandered to' is very upsetting for parents who've done the 'tough love', tried every method under the sun, and are probably pretty upset that their child can't really enjoy a range of food, plus are exhausted by trying to cater for their child without it seeming that they are getting 'different' food. A bit of understanding goes a long way!

YANBU. Fussy eaters irritate the hell out of me. I am not judging anyone's parenting style, but I won't apologise for being irritated.

We had a friend of DD's round the other evening - I know from being out with her both with and without her mum previously that sushi is one of her favourite things. I bought california rolls as a treat for afternoon tea - she poked it and said "what's in it". I explained, offered her a small piece to try and got a wrinkled nose and "oh, I don't like that". Teatime came - chicken schnitzel and greek salad. Now most kids I know love olives - she wouldn't even eat the tomatoes "because they had touched the olives". Needless to say there was no problem with the ice cream. Doesn't make her less of a nice kid but her fussiness irritated the hell out of me

I would expect a 9 year old to eat what's available or not mention it and survive til he got hoome. Missing a meal isn;t going to do hi any harm. If I was the host I would probably notice if a child wasn;t eating and offer some bread and butter or something=, but my children would have been in SUCH trouble if they said they didn;t liek something or asked for alternatives.

I'm glad I had my mum, I can't imagine making a child something to eat they didn't like. What's the point? To prove your the boss?

Would you offer their mum a drink?
And say, but I'm only making coffee, take it or leave it.

Fussy eaters annoy the bejeebers out of me too...and I do mean fussy eaters, not (before I get flamed) children who have obvious taste/texture issues. There are some children where it is a real, serious issue, and there are some who are just spoiled.

There, I said it. :o

The OP did not offer "just one thing", it sounded like there were lots of different sorts of food. My SIL (and yes, the one I was talking about on the thread where I was accused of "bragging by stealth" :)) brings food for her DCs to family meals. There are masses of different dishes at these things, and she brings a bag with yogurt tubes and chicken fingers in it. And there are plenty of things that her DCs would eat. I mean, who cares if they nibble on cheese and crackers, fruit, etc, instead of a "proper meal" ? They'll be back home having mini corndogs in an hour.

Anyway, OP, YANBU in my book.

I think (ducks) that if a 9 year old can eat a cheese sandwich, but not manage a piece of pizza it's not fussy eating, it's bad manners.

I agree with regard to fussy not equally convenience food. For many it's the complete opposite. dd didn't eat pizza until she was about 9/10 - she knew that it was basically bread, cheese and tomato but as a combination of textures/tastes it was a no go. Note that it wasn't that she wouldn't eat it, it was that she couldn't physically^ eat it.

In the OP's scenario at the same age, she wouldn't have been able to eat. She would have politely declined but would have accepted the offer of bread and cheese kindly provided by the hostess. Though she would probably have dismantled the sandwich and eaten it separately.

Seeing your child not eat is an extremely emotive subject (akin IME to not being able to bf) and as such elicits strong views from those of us who have truly struggled in this area. It's a shame that some posters can't offer us a touch of sympathy and would prefer to pour scorn on our ability as parents.

My lad has a friend who is veggi. We eat a lot of meat so when he comes here i always have to provide a non meat option. Is he a fussy eater? or is it acceptable that i make him have a lamb chop as that is what we are having?

I think if your kid is that difficult then you need to warn people in advance and/or carry your own food for them.

I just don't cater to fussy eaters, you eat what we have or you don't eat. I will ask ahead of time about allergies, other than that work it out amongst yourselves.

I was taught to choke down a tiny bit, smile and compliment when eating at someone else's house.

This has worked nicely for me over the years and I have many repeat eaters so feel no need to change it.

what saggar said.

Morloth, you see, your philosophy of 'I don't cater to fussy eaters, you eat what we have or you don't eat' for ds1 would have meant......he didn't eat. And as I have explained countless times, the growing hunger wouldn't mean he was more likely to eat, but that he would start vomiting.

Tbh I think this is one of those areas where if you've never ever had a truly fussy eater (by which I mean someone like ds1 or saggar's dd, where it really is a physical thing), then you do have the idea that your methods 'work'. I remember my best friend telling me what I should 'do' with ds1 - ie get him to always try a little bit. I did explain to her that for months we did exactly that, and it resulted in him trying a tiny piece, being sick, and then refusing the rest of the meal (which he liked), because he felt so sick. And this is not healthy, or good, and results in a fear of food.

If dd and ds1 had been born the other way round, I probably would have had an equally large pair of judgey pants, because dd is a dream eater. She adores most fruit and veg, enjoys exotic and unusual tastes and really relishes trying things. The only differences in her introduction to food from ds1 were that i) ds1 really struggled to b/feed, because he wasn't really interested, so we struggled along with supplementary formula (which is really hard work, to keep the b/feding going alongside, but we did till he was 13mths). Then because ds1 is older, the guidelines were to introduce solids at 4mths (and definitely not after), dd was 6 mths, and was exclusively b/fed. I do wonder if the difference in weaning age was significant, in terms of physical development and readiness for food.

But yes, if dd had been my eldest, I would no doubt have been convinced of the merits of which foods to introduce first, and how to produce a non-fussy eater. Ds1 was quite a humbling experience, because if your child cannot physically swallow the food, you cannot make them eat, and if their weight is plummeting off the chart, and they still won't eat, how long do you sit it out? A bit of empathy and understanding from those posters who haven't had a child like this goes a long way - not just saying 'oh fussy eaters are a PITA, I don't tolerate them, I don't have fussy eaters because I don't pander to them'.

Lily that is exactly what I meant by a real issue as opposed to spoiling. :) There's a little boy at school who will not eat anything but meat and sometimes cheese. Once a cafeteria aide got him to try a bite of fruit and he vomited all over the table. :(

CheerfulYank, thank you for recognising that! Some of the posts on here are so upsetting - where parents like me are told that children are only fussy because 'their parents allow them to be', or where I was specifically told I 'clearly wouldn't listen to any advice'.

It's such a difficult problem to crack, and I do believe the only solution is slowly-slowly, to avoid creating eating disorders where food has an emotional element as well!!!

The thing I would say is that if ds1 went to a friend's house, they would mark him down as a 'fussy eater' because he would have to say 'no thank you' to most things. He wouldn't request anything else, but it would be a fairly cheerless meal for a host! Fortunately he loves pasta, so if they ask me what he likes, pasta is always a safe bet.

I think visiting kids are different to your own TBH.

Missing one meal at a friend's house isn't actually going to injure a child.

I don't care whether the kids eat or not when there is a playdate, I find half the time they want to run off and do something else anyway.

I put the tea on the table, I say 'BOYS FOOD', then I leave them too it.

When they are fidgeting enough I say 'done? good, off you go' and that is the end of it.

If they don't eat anything I will mention to the parent when they are collected so that they can feed them when they get home if necessary, but other than that, I am not bothering.

When we have kids over for playdates we have spaghetti and meatballs. With either an ice lolly or a vanilla ice cream cone a bit later on.

They can take it or leave it, no skin off my nose.

Can I add my tuppence worth (coming very late having lurked on this)

My DD1 had multiple food intolerances as a baby/small child. Neocate/peptijnr all that stuff.

Now, as a 12 year old she is a very very fussy eater.

Yet if you saw her you wouldn't know that it actually all stems back to when she COULDN'T eat stuff, IYSWIM?

DD2 is a moving dustbin. She eats anything. But there are still things she doesn't like.

DS likes "cooked" cheese but not raw (WTF but hey ho) so he would eat pizza but not a cheese sandwich.

At the end of the day, it was one meal, you don't always know the whole story no matter how well you know someone. What I mean is that even people who've known me a long time, and KNOW that DD1 had food problems as a small child, because they've not lived it they don't understand the implications iyswim?

BTW unless you've lived it, you will never really understand it. I used to hide in the toilet and cry before meal times because I couldn't get my child to eat. Even the stuff she was allowed she wouldn't eat because to her, food meant pain - so from her pov a very sensible choice.

Morloth, that's fine, plenty of posters on here though then describe such children as a PITA.

Oh they may well be a PITA but the key thing is, they don't have to be a pain in my arse.

I must be doing something right because it seems like I can't move for small boys somedays!

Oh and a child with a lactose/dairy intolerance would've struggled with that menu.

And at 9 kids don't want to mark themselves out as different.

DD1 is still lactose intolerant and people ALWAYS do this face --> when she tells them she doesn't like ice cream.

(note - she says she doesn't LIKE it , not she can't have it)

peppa as every other poster has egnored my question, purhaps you can answer it as you seem to have the idea that a fussy eater is the result of pandering to the child. I cook one dinner for the family and no more. My dd is fussy, she will go to bed hungry if she doesn't eat her dinner. I don't feed her junk food, it is all nice homemade healthy food and it is pretty much eat what you are given or go without. She is still fussy so this theory doesn't work on my dd. What now?

Nappy - thats my DD1 as well. I tried the hard as nails approach. It just ended up being really upsetting for all concerned (and please DO NOT jump on me I have other kids I know how to feed children).

What I do now (if this is any help) is

Try not to cook anything that she really really hates, and if I am cooking that for everyone else, then there's a portion of something she does like taken out of the freezer and heated for her.

Put stuff on her plate in different places not touching if possible and encourage her to try the new stuff BUT this just involves going if you want it there's some xxx there - and it is usually a tiny tiny bit of new stuff and bear in mind she is 12

In all honesty, they have to eat, it's such an important part of nurturing your child to feed them and I know I feel I've failed her since I can't do that for her.

Oh I'm rambling I don't know tbh, I don't think there are really any answers except muddle through as best you can.

I'm lucky, she loves fruit. There's always a tupperware box of fruit salad in the fridge and if all else fails she has toast and then some fruit salad.

Not liking pizza is not the marker of a fussy eater. Although as someone who could keep Pizza Express in business I find it odd!

ShortArse I don't like ice cream either unless it's expensive 'heavy' stuff. Cheap stuff makes me really ill (run immediately to the toilet type ill and spend the rest of the day with severe stomach problems). Everyone I know finds this odd and I too get a lot of .

Morloth, quite right, that's what I do - not my job to police another child's diet, if they aren't keen I don't hassle them or make it a huge issue.

As it happens ds is a great eater and when he goes round to play with someone new, the parents often say 'wow, your ds is really easy, isn't he?'. But I have the wit to realise it's not like that for everyone (and not something I should take the credit for, it's just the way ds is).

You just don't know what goes on in someone else's life - two of his friends in the same class of 30 children have had stomach surgery when they were younger, for different reasons, and the parents do have to warn people when they go to play that they might not eat much. In one case, the child should in theory be fine now, but early experiences lasting for years leave a mark. How would anyone else feel if they'd spent years chucking up after most meals?

Manchester - thing is, instead of her saying "I can't eat ice cream I have a dairy intolerance" or "Sorry but I'm lactose intolerant I can't eat that", she just goes "I don't like ice cream"

Which in a general social situation, is much less in your face, socially acceptable, less likely to draw attention to her IYSWIM?

What I'm trying to say is that no matter how well you think you know someone, a fussy eater isn't just a fussy eater all the time - it's not just as if some child has decided to be difficult or awkward?

I had two children before DD1. They opened their mouths, I shovelled stuff in (many moons ago before BLW). It really was that simple. Odd things they didn't like (like DS and the "raw Cheese") but really they just ate.

Then I got DD1.

And I did the same stuff, brought her up the same way, fed her the same way.

But oh the day we sat with a dietician and health visitor and paediatrician "analysing the way you approach her with the spoon to see if that is the issue" Cue "It's not me it's her!"

Then there were 5 of them in hospital to feed her weetabix. 4 to hold her down one to shove the spoon in her mouth. She was 9 months. I discharged her immedidately I found out.

"feed her in a chair" "feed her at the table with everyone else" "feed her on her own so she's not distracted" "feed her as she walks around" "feed her on your knee"

Trust me I have tried it all

Edam - that's what I'm trying to get across with DD1. In theory, now, apart from lactose intolerance she is fine.

But because she couldn't digest food as a baby, she associated food with pain.

She figured out very early on that the answer was not to eat.

That's very hard to break.