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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thick skinned 'friend' Aaaarrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

115 replies

LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:09

I am trying to phase someone out. She will NOT take the hint. Why are people like this. If you know someone is letting you down gently why would you keep pushing and pushing for contact.

She is a complete PITA. I've avoided meeting up with her for weeks. Loads of polite excuses. She seems to be prepared to wait FOREVER Confused
If I sense someone gives me two or three fob-offs in a row, I take the fcuking hint and back the hell off! Everyone knows how it works.

What am I going to do.....why the hell will is she putting us both through this?
She is so persistant.

Does she want a big showdown or what?

OP posts:
geordieminx · 27/03/2011 14:11

You sound nice Hmm

activate · 27/03/2011 14:12

how odd

if you don't want to see someone again have the courtesy of telling them

you wouldn't break up with a boyfriend by polite excuses would you?

get some guts and tell the poor woman, she probably just thinks you're busy

Ooopsadaisy · 27/03/2011 14:13

Why are you trying to phase her out, OP?

NestaFiesta · 27/03/2011 14:14

I don't think 2 or 3 fob offs in a row signals the end of a friendship. I've fobbed off and been fobbed off- life is busy and health/work/money can get in the way of meeting up. i still love my friends and its great when we do finally manage to catch up.

What is it she does that makes her deserve to be sent to Coventry?

lesley33 · 27/03/2011 14:15

I love thick skinned people!. You can be narky with them if you have had a bad day and they don't hold it against you.

Duna · 27/03/2011 14:15

Maybe she's lonely and desperate for a friend. What's so wrong with her anyway?

ENormaSnob · 27/03/2011 14:16

Get a fucking backbone and tell her to her face.

LynetteScavo · 27/03/2011 14:18

I read the OP as thick, skinhead friend. Confused

thumbwitch · 27/03/2011 14:18

Just tell her outright.
She is probably just a nice person who thinks you genuinely have problems meeting up with her and doesn't want to let you down as a friend, not realising that you're bored (or whatever) with her and trying to "phase her out" - God that's so rude, like she's obsolete or last year's fashion or something!

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/03/2011 14:21

She sounds much nicer than you. Tell her to her face, so she can see what you are really like.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:26

She's not a nice person. She is a toxic user. I can't even give specific details as she occasionally uses MN.

ENormaSnob, dont you talk to me like that. I dont think personal abuse is allowed on here so wind your neck in. I've plenty of backbone ergo I wont be abused on here by the likes of you.

She is having an affair which I don't want anything to do with or don't want to hear about. She does my nut in. I've given her chance after chance. She is unbelievably self-absorbed, drinks too much, is clingy, desperate and very dependant. She gives nothing back. I've been a soft touch but I started working on distancing myself a few weeks ago. If I don't answer her mails, she sends me one every day anyway always wanting to know when I can see her. Doesn't matter about poorly DC, elderly relatives, serious money problems, me with no time at all.....

I just want rid of her. I can't understand how she doesn't get the hint....I'm well able to read her the riot act if it comes down to it but do I really have to.

I've been phased out once before, I took the hint. It's the polite and British thing to do! ARGH....

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 27/03/2011 14:29

As you posted in an open forum I will reply what I like.

That was actually restrained.

Your op makes you look like a 2 faced coward.

thumbwitch · 27/03/2011 14:29

Then just tell her! Say "I don't want anything to do with you or your affair - I don't approve of affairs and I think very poorly of you for having one."
That should do the trick.

BTW, "the likes of you" is pretty offensive as well.

longislandicetea · 27/03/2011 14:34

Oh dear calm down girls Before this gets nasty :)

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:41

thumbwitch yes I know, I shouldn't have sunk to her/his level.... Sometimes it's just so predictable when any poster on here has a problem that might make them seem a doormat.... there always seems to be some rude mouthy show-off lining up thinking they will have an easy target.

Anyway, I am not sure if she knows how I feel and is aware I am trying to duck out of the 'friendship' gracefully without harsh words and is somehow passively-aggressively looking for a big fight or showdown....??

Or whether she is just genuinely too self-absorbed to notice how much I have pulled back....

What would I put in the mail....I have never had to 'break-up' with a friend before......

OP posts:
toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 27/03/2011 14:45

print off this thread and sent it to her, that should get through any amount of thick skin Grin

pollyblue · 27/03/2011 14:49

If her inability to take the hint is driving you nuts then you do need to tell her in a straightforward (but kind!) way. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I really don't think we have much in common and as I've got a lot on my plate right now I would rather we didn't continue our friendship, for me it's run its course."

TBH I think trying to phase someone out can be awkward for all concerned, it's driving you made because she doesn't seem to be taking the hint, but maybe she just doesn't know where she stands and likes you enough to keep persevering.

thumbwitch · 27/03/2011 14:51

You don't feel able to tell her personally, you want to do it by email? OK.
Then elaborate a little on what I have already suggested:
Dear X
You may have noticed that I have recently been reluctant to spend time with you. This is because I do not approve of you having an affair and I don't want to hear about it. I never wanted to hear about it but you insisted on telling me - but I have had enough.
Please stop calling me to arrange meetings - I'm sorry, I just don't want to meet up with you any more.
Good luck
LeaveMyLegsAlone.

ENormaSnob · 27/03/2011 14:51

Nothing showy offy about my posts.

Just honest replies to what I find an unpleasant op and an unpleasant poster.

This woman may be toxic but you are not coming across well either.

TidyDancer · 27/03/2011 14:55

I generally agree with ENorma.

If she won't get the hint, just tell her to her face. Stop hiding behind phasing out and just do it. Regardless of what you think of this former friend, this is a rather cowardly way to go about dumping her.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:56

Thanks Thumbwitch, just couldn't think where to begin. I wasn't sure if my reason was reasonable or not. But it seems it's ok. Thanks again.

OP posts:
4FoxAche · 27/03/2011 14:57

I had a "friend" who sounded like yours but worse.

I met up with her, told her everything I thought of her then left on the note that she wouldn't be hearing from me again and I would appreciate it if she didn't contact me either.

All done and dusted in 10mins. None of this phasing out crap and I didn't lead her on with excuses that our friendship would ever be fixed.

Just tell her, stop leaving her to hang on to whatever she can.

(before anyone jumps on me, I had known this person for over 10yrs, I had given her chance after chance after chance, jumped through hoops to help her/be there for her etc and she just didn't give a shit, I loved her, she was like a sister once upon a time so it was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make)

Ooopsadaisy · 27/03/2011 15:03

You don't sound like you are any good for each other.

Be honest and do it soon. State your reasons, but constructively.

Personally, I would say it should be done face to face.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 15:04

I am actually really nervous. 4FoxAche, how did that friend react? Did she get angry?

OP posts:
4FoxAche · 27/03/2011 15:44

To be fair leavemylegsalone I didn't give her a chance to react or say anything.

Thing is I knew exactly what she would say but i'd heard it all before too many times.

So I just walked away and didn't look back!