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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thick skinned 'friend' Aaaarrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

115 replies

LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:09

I am trying to phase someone out. She will NOT take the hint. Why are people like this. If you know someone is letting you down gently why would you keep pushing and pushing for contact.

She is a complete PITA. I've avoided meeting up with her for weeks. Loads of polite excuses. She seems to be prepared to wait FOREVER Confused
If I sense someone gives me two or three fob-offs in a row, I take the fcuking hint and back the hell off! Everyone knows how it works.

What am I going to do.....why the hell will is she putting us both through this?
She is so persistant.

Does she want a big showdown or what?

OP posts:
CheekyLittleSox · 27/03/2011 15:48

Maybe she is like me who hasnt got any other friends around Hmm

4FoxAche · 27/03/2011 15:53

In my case, she didn't have any other friends around because she shat on them all from a great height time and time again and they all got fed up of her. I was the last one sticking around tying to help her.

So unless you shat on all your friends from a great height too then I don't think she is like you, no.

LDNmummy · 27/03/2011 16:01

Oh I had an issue like this recently, it was even more tedious because she got the hint eventually (I had already told her I was going to put some space between us but she didn't seem to get it at first) then started acting bitchy even though I wasn't. I'm not the bitchy type, more the 'I don't have time for this' type so I just pull back from friendship and go quiet. But she obviously wanted a showdown, ended up with her telling me all sorts problems she had had with me that everyone in our friendship group knew wasn't true. Ended making her look stupid and having to apologize.

I get where you are coming from and it can be infuriating as it seems to intrude on your life somehow.

The reason I ended up having the showdown with that person was because we were living together in a house share. I was moving out within a few weeks so at least I didn't have to put up with the tension after.

If I were you OP, you don't live with her I assume, just carry on phasing her out and fully ignore her. Eventually she will get the hint. Its easy to say "just tell her" but depending on the person, that is not always the good option, sometimes its kinder to just let it fizzle out.

Limara · 27/03/2011 16:01

To be fair, the friendship is doomed by your inability to be honest with her. If you were and told her the truth about not wanting to hear about the affair etc, you could possibly have a meaningful friendship based of truth. So it's best it ends because you can't be honest/it's not that sort of meaningful friendship.

I'm not judging you because it's not my place and to be fair to you, it's bloody hard to tell someone you don't like/want them in your life anymore.

Again, cringingly, I'd be honest with her but try and hold back on the spite, I say this because when I've been in this situation, I've found it damn hard to not spit it all out for example.... "Yeah, and another thing......." because you've been holding it all in! Smile

Am I making any sense?

It's not about having backbone, it's about protecting someones feelings as far as I'm concerned anyway.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 16:27

Perfect sense Limara, I am nervous because it feels like she knows on some level I don't approve as when she started on with this affair, all I could do was go quiet/change the subject. She kept saying this is the last time etc so I thought it was going to end and had decided to hold my tongue but then she carried on so it was like a huge elephant in the room and it was too late by then. So I am afraid I will explode.

In one way I'm worried I'm playing into her hands by being direct, it's like she is pushing me for a showdown. I've tried to avoid it. Why would she want this?

But maybe I am imagining that and she really is as thick skinned as all that.

I want to get out of the friendship because I actually can't say anything good about her circumstances. I find it hard to believe she wouldn't just prefer to let me off the hook. Unless she wants to give me a good verbal pasting for some reason. Probably will say I am smug or judging her or something. My stomach flips every time I think about it.

OP posts:
NorthernGobshite · 27/03/2011 16:29

OP, don't post and then be angry when people have an opinion!

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 16:31

orthernGobshite ...I don't mind anyone having an opinion, I'm just not going to tolerate being sworn at!

OP posts:
NorthernGobshite · 27/03/2011 16:52

Clearly you're new to MN??? We are terrible swearers Grin

BigSoftMuppet · 27/03/2011 16:56

lol oh I have my moments too believe me! %*&^&!!!! lol Grin

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 17:00

I also like a good swear in real life! Maybe I should swear at thick skinned friend!

OP posts:
Finallyspring · 27/03/2011 17:17

I agree that she needs to know how you really feel. But I don't really understand the thing about it always being better telling someone something difficult to their face. For one thing it will be incredibly hard for you. You say it's making you nervous just thinking about it and I think if you were able to do it you would have done so a long time ago. It's also really cruel to the other person. How do you expect them to react ? This woman is obviously a person with issues of various kinds. She's never going to take it the way you want her to. You must have liked her at some point and she is a human being with feelings. Write her a card. Don't be nasty, don't insult or criticise her,it will be hard enough for her that you want to end the friendship you don't need to pile on the bad news, just tell her that you can't be friends with someone who behaves the way she does. Wish her luck and leave it at that. Everybody has periods in their life where they behave badly. You don't have to carry on being friends with someone when they are like that but remember that nobody's perfect. It might happen to you one day and that's what you's want too.

SoSaysSarah · 27/03/2011 17:21

I think you should get a fucking backbone and tell her to her face

Finallyspring · 27/03/2011 17:30

You sound like a character from EastEnders SoSaysSarah

CFAW · 27/03/2011 17:43

I would say be truthful. Say to her i cant be your friend, i don't like how you lead your life. It might just do her a favor and make her think about her life a bit.

Finallyspring · 27/03/2011 18:05

Ok, this is what happens when you tell someone something to their face:

  1. They feel humiliated and attacked
  2. They hit back by saying even worse things about you, things they may not have even thought of before
  3. You hit back harder to defend yourself
  4. The whole thing turns into a full scale fight

In other words it isn't a good idea because it doesn't work, not because you are a chicken not to do it.

CourseyoucanMalcolm · 27/03/2011 18:17

My sympathies OP.

I once made the mistake of posting on MN about phasing someone out and the thread did not go well.

It is all very well in theory being friends with everyone and skipping through the tulips hand in hand, but in real life some people are an enormous pain in the arse.

I never did manage to phase out my friend. Situation was slightly different as she isn't toxic, just bloody irritating. Ooooh I could bang on about all the incredibly irritating things she does and says... and she has a huge group of friends so she really doesn't need me at all. God knows why she insists on persuing me. I am really not that great.

pigletmania · 27/03/2011 18:25

Why dont you just tell her, easy, at least she would know where she stands.

cumfy · 27/03/2011 19:04

Why should the OP have to actually say anything to her "friend's" face ?

She might speak her mind, too.

Might not be so clear whose dumping whom.

OP's ego might get scratched.

flippinada · 27/03/2011 19:10

I'm not sure why OP is getting such a pasting here

It's not unreasonable in wanting to 'phase out' someone who is draining you of energy and joy and it doesn't mean you're a heartless cow.

I expect OP is behaving like this because basically she's a decent person who finds the situation really hard (as I think most of us would) and doesn't actively want to be hurtful.

flippinada · 27/03/2011 19:18

I think FinallySpring's advice is good actually.

Keep it brief and don't indulge in a character assassination. If you feel comfortable doing so then maybe offer her the opportunity to discuss it?

A face to face would be a bad idea - charging around confronting people and telling it like it is might be appropriate in some scenarios, but not here - people can react in unpredictable ways.

poopnscoop · 27/03/2011 19:34

I agree with flip and finally. Who wants confrontation? And there would be one as she WILL be upset/defensive etc.

Also, I think some posters here are pretty revolting. Possibly even trolls.

CFAW · 27/03/2011 19:38

If not face to face then phone would do it, just a text!

"hello fuck wit (insert name here) i think you are a dirty tart and don't like you any more"

Or a grown up version of the same would do :)

GloriaSmut · 27/03/2011 19:46

"I'm just not going to tolerate being sworn at!"

I think you may have fetched up on the wrong fucking website then.

But to get back to the subject at hand - and assuming that the piano legs are now covered and you've recovered from the earlier swoon - I think you may well have to have a honest confrontation with this friend that you want to dump. It's only fair. Also, the truly thick-skinned won't pick up on hints, no matter how heavy so don't look for excuses, just tell her that you don't think the former friendship can continue. That way you might have a confrontation but at least you are being honest.

flippinada · 27/03/2011 19:49

Well yeah poopnscoop. Who wants to hear someone saying 'actually, you're an arsehole and I don't like you'?

God, if someone did that to me I'd be so mortified and incredibly hurt (yes, I do realise I am projecting here).

Guess I'm coming from the 'do unto others' position.

perfumedlife · 27/03/2011 19:58

You have my total sympathy op.

I am also trying to lose someone, and it's not going well. My backbone is perfectly intact, but I know this woman too well to know my frank admission the friendship is over will only result in a world class slanging match. She will trot out her usual 'I'm not being funny, but...' diatribe, I will disagree tactfully and we will get no fucking where.

I have missed her birthday, her dd's birthday, a mutual friends' birthday, and still she calls/emails. She posted on facebook, ' if I have done something, you need to tell me'

Well, before I get jumped on, she did, she caused utter mayhem the night we buried my friend last year and I told her how I felt and that the friendship was not making me happy. What did she do? Ignored it. Carried on regardless.

Thick skinned people don't hear you when you tell them what they do not wish to hear.

Ignore her, eventually she will give up.