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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thick skinned 'friend' Aaaarrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

115 replies

LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:09

I am trying to phase someone out. She will NOT take the hint. Why are people like this. If you know someone is letting you down gently why would you keep pushing and pushing for contact.

She is a complete PITA. I've avoided meeting up with her for weeks. Loads of polite excuses. She seems to be prepared to wait FOREVER Confused
If I sense someone gives me two or three fob-offs in a row, I take the fcuking hint and back the hell off! Everyone knows how it works.

What am I going to do.....why the hell will is she putting us both through this?
She is so persistant.

Does she want a big showdown or what?

OP posts:
Finallyspring · 27/03/2011 20:11

Actually, this is the best advice yet perfumedlife (even better than mine !) Ignore them, they will eventually give up is the best advice for dealing with any difficult person it's just that most of us aren't mature enough to see it through. Some of the other posters are like girls in the playground shouting fight ! fight !

Baggypussy · 27/03/2011 20:11

OP. I agree- phase her out. There's no need for any confrontation etc.

Some friendships are fairly transient, and assuming that she's not one of your nearest and dearest old friends (to whom I believe you can and should be totally honest), then you owe her nothing.

The difference between friendships and romantic relationships is that the latter are (usually) exclusive, thereby your partner would need to know that they are being 'dumped' in order to move on. Adult friendships are not of the same nature as this.

You have already wasted time & energy an this 'friend'- why should you waste any more on a confrontation that you don't want?

Carry on making excuses. Eventually she WILL tire of it and get the hint- but you're probably talking months not weeks.

cupofteaplease · 27/03/2011 20:24

I was recently phased out by a 'friend'. Believe me, it's not nice.

I confronted her when this first started and she said I hadn't done anything wrong, she just wanted to make new friends. Fine, so why keep sending me the odd text message, then ignoring me when I reply?

Haven't spoken in over a month now and saw her today for the first time. At least she had the decency to be too ashamed to make eye contact. And she was the one sat by herself, so good to see all those 'new friends' worked out for her.

I think it would be much kinder to actually tell her what it is she has done wrong, but be prepared for a backlash, because believe it or not, nobody's perfect!

piratecat · 27/03/2011 20:33

have had to do this, just avoided and phased out. was fed up of never knowing if she would even acknowledge me when we passed each other. That and a few controlling behaviours that left me stumped.

Just keep doing it, it could take a while.

marmaladetwatkins · 27/03/2011 20:41

Maybe she has MH issues? Can't think why else she'd want to be mates with you.

RunAwayWife · 27/03/2011 20:57

I think you should stay friends you sound well suited

IreneHeron · 27/03/2011 21:02

You have my sympathies OP, and i can't understand the vitriol against you on this. I think it is perfectly reasonable and normal to phase friends out. I've seen loads of threads on MN about toxic friends with the responses usually being ditch the friendship. If you'd have posted an OP stating I don't know how to deal with this friend, she's done x and x and makes me feel crap you'd probably be getting a really easy ride here.

I hate confrontation and the last thing I'd do is have a showdown. DH has the rule with friends too that you make an effort 3 times and then its up to the other person to contact you or you take the hint. Obviously there are exceptions to this but it is his rule of thumb.

Would it work that if she rings you you just say something like 'I'm not in a place right now to continue this friendship and I'd like to give it a break for a while'? It doesn't sound bitchy so might not nark her but it might be firm enough to get through to her.

Good luck.

EmmaBemma · 27/03/2011 21:17

Some of these responses are priceless. Do you really think it's better to tell someone "to their face" that you don't want to be their friend any more? What are you - ten? I thought every grown-up knew that the accepted way to end a friendship you have grown tired of is to simply not contact the person any more. I've done this, it's been done to me... not easy and not fun, but really the only polite, sensitive way to proceed.

marmaladetwatkins · 27/03/2011 21:26

You don't need a "showdown" ffs. Phone/email/text and say you want to distance yourself from the friendship. That is IT. Pretending to be busy then moaning when the "friend" doesn't take the hint?! It's weird, sorry. She was presumably good enough to be your friend at some point. At least have the decency to tell her instead of making her look like a desperate sad act.

annoyingdevil · 27/03/2011 21:31

You also have my sympathy. I am in a similar situation with a 'friend' who quite clearly has borderline personality disorder. She does not get subtle hints and will still contact me even though I never contact her. She's the most self obsessed, controlling manpulative person I have ever met, but is also a victim of domestic abuse, which is why I end up feeling sorry for her and agree to meet up.

marmaladetwatkins · 27/03/2011 21:33

So you have a friend who is being abused by her husband and has MH issues but you shun her?

Nice.

rookiemater · 27/03/2011 21:39

But in this case it is possible to end the friendship based on action rather than behaviour. IMO it's perfectly possible to say that you are finding it increasingly uncomfortable hearing about her affair. You believe that affairs are wrong and you cannot continue the friendship whilst it continues. Actually maybe an email would be ok.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 22:00

@ marmaladetwatkins 'So you have a friend who is being abused by her husband and has MH issues but you shun her?'

Eh, I think you should have gone to specsavers marmalade, she hasn't got MH issues (apart from being terminally selfish) and she has no husband to be abused by........she has been having sex with her sisters (very recent) ex (that is about as much detail as I dare to give now)

Half the people here are telling me to explain to her why I want to break the 'friendship' -which I am feeling a lot less inclined to do after reading the thread!

Half the people are saying just let it fade out and avoid confrontation.

OP posts:
marmaladetwatkins · 27/03/2011 22:04

I think you should go to Specsavers, I was replying to the poster above me :)

You're a delight. I'm surprised picking and choosing friends is an option for you.

TroubledPrincess · 27/03/2011 22:07

I agree with flip.

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 22:13

@ marmaladetwatkins -apologies!

Ehm.....as you were Hmm

OP posts:
annoyingdevil · 27/03/2011 22:58

Marmalade, please re-read my post. I don't shun her as I feel sorry for her. She has been in an abusive relationship, but is also abusive herself. Will not post anymore details on here. You obviously have no experience of personality disorders

Original poster
LeaveMyLegsAlone · 28/03/2011 00:15

Thanks so much to all especially perfumedlife, IreneHeron, Baggypussy and others.

I actually feel that she will cause a huge barney if I tell her why. I haven't got the stomach for it. I have a good bit on my plate around the clock, much bigger stuff yet this is bothering me more

annoyingdevil, so weird that you mentioned borderline personality disorder, it fits her to a tee. She plays the victim in every situation and everything is always someone elses fault. She has absolutely no interest in other peoples feelings. She justifies everything bad she does, but everything anyone else does she always believes is 100% malevolently deliberate and evil. She is brilliantly plausable and confident yet at other times extremely paranoid and malicious. To a scary level.

I feel out of my depth in a way. Part of me wants to tell her to fuck off. But the replies on here seem to suggest her out is morally wrong. I dread a confrontation with her. I imagine she will talk her way out of it all and cast me as the wickid, nasty judge.

I feel somehow guilty that I led her on, but it seems I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

If I could just continue without feeling false and gently, over time explaining how I feel then that would be ok. But I know she will just ignore that and I will end up being a puppet in her theatre! So I can't do that. Maybe if I try to talk to her and she ignores me I will feel less bad about just stopping contact.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 28/03/2011 00:45

Blimey, what's wrong with everybody today Hmm

Until you explained OP, I balked at your statement "Everyone knows how it works" because, no, I don't do that subtle stuff. I stay it straight - and get unbelievable shit flung in my face.

If you find confrontation difficult (and it's not necessarily the best way - see above) then you just do. A short statement, maybe on a card? might do it. At least then you've drawn a distinct line, for yourself as much as for her. She won't like it but then you knew that - nobody likes it. I've been 'phased out' by somebody - or she tried and I wouldn't let her do it. Long story, mainly that my kids needed her on the scene, at least in name, and as we were going through a beleaguered time I just wouldn't take her hint - I knew what she was trying to do. Neither of us likes each other much as a result, we rarely see one another, but I wasn't going to let her ditch an old friend in a time of need.

Sorry, got carried away with my story Blush - your situation is not the same. She is a drain and a pain but don't blame her for your fear of having to dump her or get angry with her for not taking the hint - that's your responsibility, not hers.

satanrejectedmysoul · 28/03/2011 00:51

You have my sympathy too. You seem to be someone who's kindness is taken advantage of by this selfish person.

I have moved on from a friendship that was one-sided. It took a few years though as I do care about this person even though she doesn't care for anyone but herself.

We are now just facebook friends which is how I want to keep it. I can let her know I am there and choose which messages to reply to. I just keep her at arms length with general hello chitchat.

She doesn't have my phone numbers anymore and she has asked for them through fb but I do not reply. She once got really huffy with my excuses/reasons for not going down to see her and deleted me which was fine but continued her abuse through private messages. She later apologised and readded me and said I would be welcome at her door. I accepted her fb friend request but that is all.

My advice would be to keep making the excuses/reasons. Eventually she'll move on without you having to be blunt with her and hurt her and so feel guilty.

I'm sure you are a very nice person and you deserve better than this. Good luck.

ThatsTheWayWeRoll · 28/03/2011 00:54

IreneHeron, thanks just really properly reading now. Well, in a way I already had. She was becoming really demanding. Emailiing, texting continuously. If something came up that was 'off the schedule' (for me) sick dc, in hospital with mobile on silent for example. She would become increasingly persistant, to the level I would check the phone to see if anything from relatives and to give updates on DD and I would have to wade through loads of 'emergency fake concerned' messages from her (in other words where is my 24/7 free counsellor)

If I explained where I was (DD sick) she wouldn't even ask for us. She'd totally gloss over it and want to strike up a conversation about her fkiking 'sex life'.

But she totlly ignored a mail from me where I explained my (hourly) responsibilities and clearly indicated I could not be visiting her and receiving her and listening to anything to do with her supposed 'new beloved relationship'

I have met her sister and she seems a lovely, down to earth kind of person. I just can't conscience what my 'friend' is doing to her. Her sister thinks that ex-DH is just having a minor mid-life crisis and will get back with her!
:o/

ThatsTheWayWeRoll · 28/03/2011 00:55

Sorry was namechanging! I am OP.

perfumedlife · 28/03/2011 01:30

OP, sounds like you are definately doing the right thing. I have had to leave behind friends like this before, they can become truly terrifying. The full on 'your dumped' chat just doesn't work, even if you have the stomach for it. They do not want to hear it!

Life is hard enough without these people in it. Friendship should be a two way thing, and this type only ever take. x

MissieMoosMummy · 28/03/2011 01:41

I think you ought to look up some sites on narcissistic personality disorders. They will have some pointers on how to handle someone like the friend you're describing. She may not be a full-blown case, but she seems to have a lot of symptoms. No point in trying to end the friendship by criticising any aspect of her existence, as she clearly doesn't want to acknowledge your point of view. You may find yourself being inundated with abusive texts/mails rather than 'fake concern' ones if it sinks in that you don't like her, because she could well cast you as the arch-villain in her personal drama.

satanrejectedmysoul · 28/03/2011 01:45

Hi Moo! It's me!