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Original poster

Thick skinned 'friend' Aaaarrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

115 replies

LeaveMyLegsAlone · 27/03/2011 14:09

I am trying to phase someone out. She will NOT take the hint. Why are people like this. If you know someone is letting you down gently why would you keep pushing and pushing for contact.

She is a complete PITA. I've avoided meeting up with her for weeks. Loads of polite excuses. She seems to be prepared to wait FOREVER Confused
If I sense someone gives me two or three fob-offs in a row, I take the fcuking hint and back the hell off! Everyone knows how it works.

What am I going to do.....why the hell will is she putting us both through this?
She is so persistant.

Does she want a big showdown or what?

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 28/03/2011 01:48

"Some of these responses are priceless. Do you really think it's better to tell someone "to their face" that you don't want to be their friend any more? What are you - ten?"

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Cloudbase · 28/03/2011 01:51

As someone who has been on both sides of this thorny situation (ie the Dumper and Dumpee so to speak) please don't just try and 'phase her out' - for one thing, if she's as thick skinned and needy as she sounds, it won't work, and also it's incredibly hurtful.

I had to end a friendship with a very old friend, who was very troubled, manipulative and toxic - I loved her and actually still do, but she was starting to affect my children as well as me, so I wrote to her. That way I could be as clear and kind as possible but without the inevitable (for her) anger and recriminations that would have followed and damaged us both even more.

When I was the 'dumped', (and I think understandbly with hindsight, as I had mental health problems that she couldn't cope with) my friend did exactly what you are trying to do, and just stopped returning my calls. In the long run, I was far more hurt by that, than by her ending the friendship, as I felt humiliated and embarrassed on top of the pain of being dumped. As it turned out, many years (and lots of therapy on my part) later, we rebuilt our friendship and ended up stronger and closer friends than we were before, and it was a real blessing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, tread as gently as you can (as far as you can) so you can avoid causing any more hurt than you have to. She may be toxic, but is still human. Good luck

MadamDeathstare · 28/03/2011 02:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 28/03/2011 08:44

Hi LMLA
You made the statement "Everyone knows how it works", but that is not necessarily true. She could think you are having a busy time or something, not that you are giving her the brush off.
It may take a couple of months, or longer, before she stops contacting you, especially if she is self absorbed. Or she may think you are annoyed because of her affair, but that you will "get over it", as that is what friends do. (in her mind)?
I think I'd continue with being very busy, all the time. If she catches you by phone, always be on your way out. If she asks you when would be a good time, say you have no idea, you are so busy you can't commit right now to anything. Don't let her keep you on the phone for any longer than it takes to tell her you can't talk right now, just going out the door, or dp has the program paused, or dc is crying, or you have a splitting headache, and can't talk. Keep a list by the phone!

Baggypussy · 28/03/2011 09:53

Marmalade- since when did annoyingdevil's 'friend's' MH issues become annoyingdevil's problem?

Distancing yourself from people who are intent on dragging you down with them isn't selfish- it's called self preservation.

I can only assume that you either:

a) have absolutely no experience of dealing with people with BPD

or

b) you are a saint

Assuming neither of the above is correct, kindly try not to judge others for doing what they need to do to protect their own sanity.

OP I echo what Madamdeathstare says: If you're going to phase her out you need to not respond/make excuses 100% of the time. Better still, if she's calling constantly, use caller display and don't answer the phone in the first place.

If you don't, she will carry on sporadically contacting you- and as soon as you respond it'll be constant again in no time.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, do as MDS says re telling her how you feel about her talking about the affair first of all, and then start the phasing out in ernest if that still hasn't worked.

Honestly, in a couple of months time it'll all be forgotten and you won't have this woman draining your energy any longer.

marmaladetwatkins · 28/03/2011 10:14

Why would you assume that I have no experience of dealing with people with BPD? I have experience of dealing with people with various MH issues, cheers.

I would find it very difficult to walk away from someone with the issues that this woman has. Obviously I am in a minority Hmm

springydaffs · 28/03/2011 10:49

" tread as gently as you can (as far as you can) so you can avoid causing any more hurt than you have to. She may be toxic, but is still human"

I totally agree with this - well said Cloudbase

Baggypussy · 28/03/2011 11:49

MARMALADE

So, let's get this right:

You would have problems walking away from someone who is sapping your energy by constantly bombarding you with their own issues, whilst never taking into account your own?

You would also stand there and repeatedly listen to this crap at all times when clearly it has been brought on themselves by shagging their own sister's husband?

You would still allow this continue in your life despite the fact that this 'friend' is clearly ignoring your personal boundaries?

The word 'Martyr' springs to mind.

And yes, you are in a minority.

EldritchCleavage · 28/03/2011 12:16

Well, I did walk away from a friend with BPD. Much as I (usually) liked her, the friendship was worrying and difficult on a number of levels. She wanted and expected me to look after her, drop everything for her, be involved in everything she did and give any help to her that she wanted the moment she wanted it. That meant wanting me to get involved in a number of very difficult dramas-sectioning, threatened or attempted suicide, legal row with a private psychiatric hospital, issues with the ex-husband, and on and on.

I told friend I was going to end all contact. I did, and she accepted it. Probably because she sensed I wouldn't be swayed. Seriously, I may sound mean but there was no way I could have carried her the way she wanted. She had no proper sense of boundaries or of other people, so there was no prospect of staying friends but scaling back involvement in all the dramas. Sometimes you have to act out of self-preservation. But that doesn't absolve you of the duty to be kind, or responsible.

OP, even if you don't give a reason, or give a fake reason, I think you should write and tel her you don't want any more contact.

Baggypussy · 28/03/2011 14:02

Eldritch- you don't sound mean. You sound sane person who has tried to deal with a difficult situation as sensitively as possible.

tubeofcanesten · 28/03/2011 14:06

squirt squirt squirt

BitOfFun · 28/03/2011 14:10

Tubeofcanestan- I haven't seen you in ages! Big love- mwah, mwah Grin

tubeofcanesten · 28/03/2011 14:12

BOF are you suggesting I am in a polygamist relationship (Big Love 0 new series on Sky atlantic) cos er I am having a lot of trouble finding anyone at the moment

BitOfFun · 28/03/2011 14:15

I'm sure that you are capable of spreading yourself around wherever is appropriate.

tubeofcanesten · 28/03/2011 14:20

hmmmm

Mariez · 28/03/2011 14:21

you are lovely. you should let her see this so that she dousnt have the misfortune of having to be your friend.

marmaladetwatkins · 29/03/2011 09:59

"MARMALADE

So, let's get this right:"

Why don't YOU get it right? I was talking about the poster who said her friend possibly had BPD/abusive partner.

Why can't people fucking well READ instead of jumping on whichever bandwagon happens to be passing?

Animation · 29/03/2011 16:55

"..wind your neck in.."

What a great phase - never heard that one before. I admire OP's when they stand up for themselves. Smile

Animation · 29/03/2011 17:00

I also don't think it's always wise to tell someone to their face that you don't want to be their friend. Phasing out is a mature way to go about it - and not as rejecting.

AppleyEverAfter · 29/03/2011 17:06

I am terrible at confrontation, hate hate hate it, but if you're really pissed off about the affair I'd just email her and say 'Call me for a chat when you've stopped shagging your sister's ex.' I think this is fair enough, no?

HecateTheCrone · 29/03/2011 17:26

I think that you can't be cross with someone for not picking up on something that you are not saying.

If you don't want to be friends with her - tell her.

It's like people who are cross with their partner but won't tell them why. They want them to just know. [boggle]

People aren't psychic. Normally. Grin

If you don't like her, fair enough. But you need to communicate this to her. With words.

Not with body language, excuses, avoidance or through the medium of dance Wink

Just take a deep breath and say what you need to say.

MarianneM · 29/03/2011 18:00

OP only on page 1 but even after your explanation on why you want to get rid of her you still sound unpleasant. I had a really good friend for years, there were some turbulent times, bad behaviour from both of us, but she was a really good friend. Then she started freezing me out much as you describe. It was painful, went on for a while and I debated with myself whether to "take a hint" but thought the friendship was worth preserving for all the good times in the past. Then she finally broke contact with an email. It was hurtful. I can still feel it.

cumfy · 29/03/2011 19:48

It does rather come across that she has some "ammunition" she could fire at you.

On your account why not just say:

Your affair really puts me in a very awkward position. I hope you won't mind if for the time being we discontinue our friendship, as it could potentially jeopardise some close relationships I have. Yours etc.

Animation · 29/03/2011 20:00

"we discontinue our friendship.."

That bit sounds a bit formal.

How about - "lets have break."

cumfy · 29/03/2011 20:04

Much better.:o

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