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AIBU?

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Original poster

God-mother, but without the God bit?

114 replies

Thistledew · 25/03/2011 16:58

My friend has invited me to be a God-mother to her child. I am honoured that she asked, and happy to take on a role in her child's life, but the only problem is that I am not a Christian. I have my own spiritual views, but they do not accord with anything that is prescribed in any religious text.

I assume that she is going to have a Christening for her child. Is there any way I can promise to support and guide the child without having to do so in the Christian faith? (I am happy to teach my views on religion, but I doubt it would be in a way that the Church would be entirely pleased with Wink )

Also, for those of you who are or have god-parents, what do you expect of them?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 25/03/2011 16:59

That's just odd. Why would a Christian want a non Christian God Parent? Confused

LaWeasel · 25/03/2011 17:03

It may be that it is an honorary role.

My god son has never been christened (and isn't going to be) if he was, I couldn't be his god parent either, not being christened or religious myself! It's seems to be just less faff that saying 'special extra person to look out for my child'

FourFingeredKitkat · 25/03/2011 17:03

I was God parent to my nephew, although I'm not a Christian, I would have honoured my obligations and promises made that day.

worraliberty · 25/03/2011 17:05

If your God son hasn't been Christened, how can he be your God son? *confused.com

LaWeasel · 25/03/2011 17:06

He's not. Basically.

But his mum calls me that, and I buy him presents and visit.

Which is basically what being a modern god parent actually is!

QuintessentialShadows · 25/03/2011 17:09

Op, you need to tell your friend that you are not Christian, and cannot fulfill that part of the godparent role. If she still wants you to be a godparent, in the knowledge that you will be more like an aunt than a godparent, then fine. As it is possible to have more than one godparent, you can suggest that your friend also selects additional god parents who can fulfill the religious obligations to the role, if this is important to her.

GrimmaTheNome · 25/03/2011 17:09

You can promise your friend that you will be happy to support and guide this child, but that you cannot in all conscience make the promises (which include bringing it up in the Christian faith I think) which are part of a church christening.

Is your friend an active Christian - is this something really meaningful to her or is it more of a cultural convention thing? If the latter, perhaps a secular naming ceremony would be better than an actual christening. This can be something a family arranges themselves or there's humanist ceremonys . Even if she does want an actual christening, maybe during the party after there could be a moment where you make your own promises of support. The BHA suggests titles such as 'Special Friends, Guide-Parents or even Odd Parents' Grin

Original poster
Thistledew · 25/03/2011 17:13

I have told her that I could not fulfill the religious side. She is only an infrequent church goer herself- major religious festivals mainly.

If she does go for a full christening, would it be possible for me to participate in the ceremony? I like the idea of making a public promise, but don't think that I could lie and say that I would guide her child in the faith. Does anyone know if I even could, as I am not christened myself?

OP posts:
slightlymad72 · 25/03/2011 17:14

I am a god parent to my sister, I am not a christian, but I have lived up to the promises I made, except the christian one Smile as I believe she has the right to choose which faith, if any, she follows. During the service i mumbled through the bits about god.

worraliberty · 25/03/2011 17:15

As far as I'm aware you have to be christened yourself but that may have changed.

To be honest, it annoys me when people take the piss out of the church and use it for pretty christenings, weddings and funerals.

I think they should tighten up on all this..though I guess they need the money.

GrimmaTheNome · 25/03/2011 17:16

If she does go for a full christening, would it be possible for me to participate in the ceremony?

That would probably be up to the vicar/minister - there would be no harm in asking. IMO they might prefer honesty to someone just saying the words.

Original poster
Thistledew · 25/03/2011 17:20

I would make a great 'odd-parent' Grin

I really think I would struggle to 'mumble through the god bits' of a christening, and this is worrying me quite a bit. I wouldn't want to embarrass my friend by not fully participating in the ceremony if it was expected of me. I do attend churches occasionally, for friends' weddings etc, but do not participate in the prayers as it feels wrong to me.

OP posts:
Ambi · 25/03/2011 17:20

I've done the same thing, when I was asked, I told my friend that I'm not a Christian, but she was fine with that and asked to pretend for the day, which I did. I was honoured to be asked as I know it's deemed a big deal.

grovel · 25/03/2011 17:22

As a godparent you are only asked (as I remember) to agree to make sure that the child gets some education about God. That's an easy promise if the parents are practising Christians.
You can get on with being the non-family "interested adult".

grovel · 25/03/2011 17:26

From the C of E website:

Before the baptism, the priest asks you to declare that you intend to do your best as a godparent. The priest asks you to say that you're 'prepared to walk with [the child] in the way of Christ' and will 'help them take their place within the life and worship of Christ's Church'.

Northernlurker · 25/03/2011 17:29

No you can't be a God-parent or participate in a christening ceremony that you don't believe it unless you are prepared to publicly lie about your beliefs. Your friend should be ashamed of herself for asking such a thing and should seriously consider why she is having a Christening at all.

Ambi - I am horrified that you were asked the same and that you agreed to it.

Original poster
Thistledew · 25/03/2011 17:31

grovel - that's the bit I would have a problem with.

This could be problematic.

Any suggestions as to what I should do?

OP posts:
walklikeapenguin · 25/03/2011 17:35

It's all "the God bit"

That's what baptism is about.

Northernlurker · 25/03/2011 17:37

Don't do it. THat's what you should do. If she doesn't believe in God and the people she wants to nominate as special in her child's life don't either then it is insulting and hypocrtical to have a Christening at all. Tell your friend to think of something else.

Original poster
Thistledew · 25/03/2011 17:43

I think there is more to filling the role of a god-parent than the christening ceremony itself.

I am struggling with this. I would really like to be there as a 'guide-parent' for the child, but I have huge problems with making religious promises.

One of the problems is that I don't want to upset my friend. She and I have known each other since we were small children, but in our early 20s had a huge falling out, from which we have only really recovered in the last few years. That was caused largely by me imposing my views on her when I should not have done. It means a lot to me that she now trusts me enough to play that role in her child's life, and I don't want to make the same mistake again.

OP posts:
sims2fan · 25/03/2011 17:44

I personally think that if someone is religious and is having their child christened in that religion, then the godparents should follow that religion too. My dad wasn't religious and when asked to be godparent for a family friend's child he refused, which I think is right. If the parents are just doing it for the ceremony and party and don't really believe in it then I suppose they won't care that you're not religious either. But in my opinion they should have some kind of naming ceremony instead.

BosomForAPillow · 25/03/2011 17:47

My friend is a committed Christian (her DH is atheist) and instead of a Chrsistening they had a "Blessing for the birth of a child" ceremony for their DS - it was at the end of a normal Sunday service.

I am a "supportive adult" or similar name, officially, although they refer to me as his godmother. My friend knows I am not at all religious and could not have been official godmother but as her DH was not totally comfortable with having a full baptism ceremony that is the compromise they came to, and I am very happy to be a special role in the child's life even though I will not provide any religious teaching/role model. He has that in his mum though and can decide for himself when older if he wants to be baptised.

I did get him a lovely Noah's Ark present Wink

Violethill · 25/03/2011 17:48

God-less parent? Smile

Seriously though, I think you should tell your friend you very much want to play a 'guidance' role in her child's life, but that you can't possibly make the vows a godparent makes, because you wouldn't believe what you are publicly stating.

A baptism is a religious ceremony. AFAIK the godparents (and parents) have to publicly state that they 'turn to Christ' and that they will bring the child up within the church.

Why on earth would you do that if you don't believe it?

mousesma · 25/03/2011 17:49

I'm becoming a god parent at a friend's child's christening soon. I am an atheist and my friend knows this but this is not a problem because she doesn't believe in god either.

It's not at all uncommon for people raised as CofE to use church for christenings, weddings and funerals only.

I too was honoured to be chosen as a god parent, my friend wanted someone who knows her well so that if anything was to happen to her I can help her child remember her.

beesimo · 25/03/2011 17:50

The clear understand I have of my role as Godmother which I take very seriously as it is a lifetime commitment if you do it right.

That I will try my best to help bring the bairn in our Faith, for example explaining why we have eggs at Easter.

That if the parents die I will if necessary take the bairn into my family. This is why you sign a document saying you are the Godmother it shows clear intention on the part of the parents as to who the bairn goes to.

That if the parents fall on hardtimes I will help financially food,clothing shoes ect for child.

That I will give the child Easter, Birthday and Christmas presents however small and will mantain regular contact with the child.