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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

God-mother, but without the God bit?

114 replies

Thistledew · 25/03/2011 16:58

My friend has invited me to be a God-mother to her child. I am honoured that she asked, and happy to take on a role in her child's life, but the only problem is that I am not a Christian. I have my own spiritual views, but they do not accord with anything that is prescribed in any religious text.

I assume that she is going to have a Christening for her child. Is there any way I can promise to support and guide the child without having to do so in the Christian faith? (I am happy to teach my views on religion, but I doubt it would be in a way that the Church would be entirely pleased with )

Also, for those of you who are or have god-parents, what do you expect of them?

OP posts:

KenDoddsDadsDog · 25/03/2011 20:58

What's not religious about a baptism in church?
How is it open to interpretation?

beesimo · 25/03/2011 20:59

I have listened to what every one has said but I still feel non-christians wanting to use churches for 'performances' rather than sacred services is really unfair and wrong. Especially with regards to Christenings why join a club you don't want to be a member of? Lets face it folks for many people it is all about top show and nice photographs and a load of bullshitters making promises they have no intention of keeping.

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:00

If you read my previous post, you'll see that it doesn't have to be as religious as you think. The rejecting satan stuff does not have to be said if it's not applicable.

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:02

I thought we were talking about non-christian godparents beesimo? The parents themselves may be strong believers.

kat2504 · 25/03/2011 21:02

I agree beeismo. It is wrong to use the church as a ceremonial theme park. You can, as I have seen my friends do, have a really lovely non-religious ceremony and party with your family and close friends, with lovely photos and all the people who will be important in your child's life.
I have no objection to the ambivalent people who like to keep with tradition by the way. Just that I would not agree to participate in it myself.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 25/03/2011 21:03

Oh right so you can just pick and choose the parts you do or don't want to say?

kat2504 · 25/03/2011 21:04

and if the parents are strong believers, they should be able to find, within their religious community, people to stand as GODparents. Whilst perhaps also inviting others close to them to stand as "guardians" or "non-god-parents" or whatever they want to call them.

beesimo · 25/03/2011 21:04

Abbs

The clues in the word GOD parent????

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:06

Read my post, I've explained clearly. Godparents must commit to 'supporting the christian upbringing' but obviously will not be expected to 'renew their own baptismal vows' if they never made any. DH and I renew ours, as do the rest of our families that are present, if they are Christian. It's quite simple.

cherrychoo · 25/03/2011 21:08

Thats what i did for my ds as we didnt get married in a church, we had a lovely "naming" party in the garden for his 1st birthday.

I have told each of the parents to my 8 Godchildren that ia m not religious and cannot offer religious or spiritual guidance. I said to each of them that i will not be offended if they want to choose some one who can.
They have all been adamant.

I think that each parent has thier own idea of what they want you to do as a God parent.

Its hard to commit to so many but i LOVE it. Therefore i am getting such allot out of it, the children all are and the parents are happy with their decision.

I really do not see it as anything religious although was a bit about the ceremony as its not something i am familiar with. (i am now though!)

KenDoddsDadsDog · 25/03/2011 21:08

You can be a witness in the catholic church rather than a Godparent. Maybe that's an option for you Thistledew?
It means you don't have to make the declarations and instead can be a kind of sponsor to the child.

RoyalBlingThing · 25/03/2011 21:09

We are agnostic.
My children have "nongod parents"
No church ceremony needed just a simple ask from friends that they are important to us and we want them as part of our childrens lives.

No ceremony
Just a tacit understanding
and a lot of love

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:09

Kat, the strength of belief has no bearing on friendships. People we meet in church are aquaintances. Our dearest friends are atheists.

kat2504 · 25/03/2011 21:10

If you can't say the religious stuff then don't participate in a religious ceremony. Seems simple to me. Like I say, I have no objection to people who really dont mind either way. If they don't have to say it, fair enough. That's all up to them. But if you are going for a religious baptism, seems to make sense you would have religious people involved in promising to bring your child up in the Christian Church. I don't care what other people do and I don't think it matters. Mainly because I am an atheist and think baptism means diddly squat. It's great that people choose important people to be involved in their child's life. I just wouldn't do it myself. others can do as they please.
Is it just the CofE with these anyone can do it views? Do you have to be Catholic to be a Catholic godparent? Out of pure interest, would the church accept a Jew or a Muslim to be a Christian Godparent? No idea what the answer is would be interesting to know.

cherrychoo · 25/03/2011 21:11

Reading back it sounds like i am belittleing the beliefs that Christains have, please dont misunderstand me i am not.

I have a great respect for your right to your beliefs and it does interest me, but i do not see it as you do.

Can it not mean different things to different people?

kat2504 · 25/03/2011 21:11

abbierhodes the baptism is not about friendship really it is about being accepted into the Christian Church.

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:13

As I've stated, I am Catholic, I have no idea about C of E or any other religions.

We don't have anyone religious that we would want to be involved in our children's upbringing, there is no one that close. I think asking a virtual stranger would be more 'fake' than having non-religious friends.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 25/03/2011 21:14

You have to be baptised to be a CofE or Catholic godparent. You are supposed to be Catholic to be a Godparent at a Catholic baptism. But the priest can give allowance for you to be one if you are baptised Christian. Otherwise you can be a special witness to the Baptism. You don't make the religious promises but stand for the child and their wellbeing.

abbierhodes · 25/03/2011 21:14

But being a Godparent is about friendship.

RoyalBlingThing · 25/03/2011 21:18

Abbie I agree.

MerryMarigold · 25/03/2011 21:19

As far as I know as part of the ceremony you need to declare that you believe and trust in God. If you don't, it may be a bit weird to be publicly declaring it.

Icoulddoitbetter · 25/03/2011 21:24

We had DS christened as DH is Catholic and it was important to him. His also-Catholic brother is godfather, and my BF is god mother. Neither me nor BF are religious. we told the priest before the service that this was the case, and that neither of us would be repeating what was said though we'd both be standing at the alter. He was fine with this. We asked my friend as she can offer DS guidance love and friendship, and she is a very important person in our lives. But I wouldn't have been happy to ask her to repeat something in church that she doesn't believe in.

bessie26 · 25/03/2011 21:25

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread & don't really know alot about religious rules, but did look into this briefly when we were thinking of doing something for DD

As I understand it you can't be a churchy-type of "god-parent" unless you have been christened, and from what I remember of when DH did it, you have to promise to teach the child the way of the bible (or similar) - but perhaps your friend's church/vicar can be flexible about this?

You can have a naming ceremony type of thing (the humanist society has more info) where you can specify "guide parents" - people who are going to be special in your child's life, regardless of what religion they have. I would have liked to have had one of these for DD, but we couldn't decide who to choose as the "guide parents"!!

kat2504 · 25/03/2011 21:26

No it is about religion. Obviously we disagree on this but to me, being a godparent is logically about helping to bring up the child in the christian church. That is what the whole ceremony is all about. As the poster above says, the church makes allowances for others to stand for the child, and I think, in this day and age, it is a good thing to include others. Seems like a good compromise.

mummynoseynora · 25/03/2011 21:29

I am a god parent to a catholic boy... I am atheist - both parents know this and did at the time, the preist (?) who performed the baptism was completely fine with it and just said to make any of the promises that we felt able to - I essentially missed out the god word

BUT I have no problem being a god parent as I feel well able to help educate a child on variations of religion, what other people believe and leave any decisions / beliefs up to them - I do the same with my own children

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