to hate being told how thin I am?

[blue2711]

It happens all the time and it's getting to me. I am really tiny but it's just the way I am. I'm only 5ft 1 so I'm pretty in proportion. I've always been very slim but I know since I had DS, who's 18 months, I'm even smaller than ever. My DH and close friends tell me I look lovely but acquaintances - particularly if they've not seen me for a while - often exclaim about how thin I am and I feel awful, really self-conscious and insulted. One woman the other day said 'Just look at your thin face!'

Surely this is just downright rude? I would never ever comment on how fat someone has got. What should I do or say to show people that they are hurting my feelings? Usually I just try not to react and change the subject but then their comments replay in my mind afterwards and make me feel dreadful.

Am I being over-sensitive? And does it really look that dreadful to be really slim? The media seems to be full of praise for 'real women' who have curves, but just because I haven't really got any I'm still a real woman! Anyone feel the same way?

"Look at your thin face"????! RUDE!

It's probably just a case of being more busy/stressed with a baby than previously and if you're B/F or similar, that also eats up a lot of energy. Thinner people tend to overestimate the amount of food they eat or they fill up on too much low-calorie food like salads and fruit. It could be worth keeping an accurate food diary for a while and calorie-counting it, just to judge if you are undereating. Weight-gain programmes usually start at about 2500 cals/day in a 'little and often' pattern (meal or snack every 2 hours), selecting calorie-rich, low-bulk foods.... nuts and nut butters, avocados, oils/fats, red meats, eggs, grains etc.

YANBU. I get it all the time and it makes me feel quite uncomfortable at times. It also makes me cross when people imply that I am trying to lose weight when anyone with any sense would see that this could indicate illness.

People who know me well know why I am currently slimmer than my usual slim self. Others shouldn't really comment.

I hate feeling I need to justify myself to people who really don't know me very well.

I had this for a while last year - turns out I was ill I was also very grumpy at time and acted out sorts but no one said

Yes it is rude - I kept thinking to myself, you should see how much I eat all day, it was getting on for 4000 calories in the end, and I was gaunt.

I had no idea at all I was ill...until I was rushed to A&E

I usd to have it when I was thin! I did mind. It's rude to comment on someone's body like that. Just say "Would you mke that observation if I were fat? Or had a different colour skin to you?"

As for the thin face comment I would have told her properly! How rude!

Yes, it's very rude. One of my former colleagues had to put up with constant rude remarks about her very slender figure (usually things like "you won't put on weight eating food like that" if she dared to order a salad, although the worst was when someone actually said to her "you look like a concentration camp victim" ).

Having said that, don't run away with the idea that bigger people don't attract rude remarks. I was in a shopping centre on Saturday and was walking behind quite a big teenage girl, and as she walked past I heard another woman say loudly "look at the state of that" - I could've cried for this poor teenager, she looked crushed. And my MIL thinks nothing of telling me I've "piled on the pounds" (I'm a 12, tops!) Rudeness is just rudeness, and if it wasn't your figure it would be something else.

I don't really understand why its considered ok to tell people they are "too" thin but not ok to tell people they are "too" fat.

If you have regular periods and plenty of energy for exercise then providing you are eating properly (ie 3 meals a day) then its ok.

As a fellow skinny, I often find that the people who make comments about how thin I am tend to be the one who lean towards the podgy themselves....far easier to describe people who are normal as "thin" than acknowledge themselves as "fat".
< stands back and waits for flaming for using the "F" word...>

bonkers, i sympathise. I know exactly what you mean. I have had some family stress to deal with and I sometimes think I 'worry off' the weight! And how horrid it is when people comment on something so personal.

chil, thanks for all your sensible advice. I know I don't have a huge appetite and am just not very interested in food but I always make the effort to have 3 meals a day and snacks in between. But it's hard to know whether I do eat as much as other people or not as I'm on my own a lot. I eat just a little bit less than my husband though and he's definitely not thin!

My usual food intake would be:
2 slices of toast and orange juice
2/3 biscuits or chocolates
jacket potato and cheese / pasta and sauce and veggies / fishfingers, potatoes and veg
slice of cake
salmon, noodles, veg / spag bol / fishcakes and veg
sweets /chocolates

Bit shameful as it shows I don't like cooking much and I realise there are no puddings now... But surely there are enough calories here?

Calling someone 'thin' or 'fat' gets people's backs up, understandably because size is a sensitive issue .. but you sometimes need someone to say 'you're looking tired' or 'unwell' or 'pale' etc., before you realise there's something medically wrong. The OP's story is one of those, I think. Her close friends and DH, who see her all the time, have not remarked because they can't see the difference in her appearace. But someone who hasn't seen them for a while spots that there has been a noticeable deterioration. What's the politically correct way to put it, I wonder? Or should we just ignore appearance on principle and not express any concern?

Talk to the GP to rule out any health problems and keep a food diary. It's easy to lose track and if you habitually eat too much or to little your body gets used to it. Seeing it in black and white and working out the calorie content will let you know if intake is a problem.

If that's all fine then it's the way you are. People making comments may be concerned about you, but there is a double standard about weight. It's considered polite to say, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" It's not ok to say, "Wow! You're filling out! What are you now, an 18-20?" Skinny is acceptable but calling someone plump isn't.

If you think they're genuinely concerned then tell them you've been checked out.

The media talk about 'real women' to balance out the fact that nearly all the women in every other part of the media are your size- on tv, in films, in the celeb gossip columns etc. Your shape is coveted. You will get jealousy, and people presuming there is a problem because it makes them feel better about their shape.

YANBU

I am very small, 5'2'' and about 7 stone, I've always been this way.
Some of the comments people make, very casually, are quite hurtful and rude. I am really self conscious about it anyway and try to keep myself covered up. I hate it when people pass comment on it. I wish I had a more normal frame.

By the way, I had postpartum thyroiditis after both of my pregnancies. It resolved itself without treatment. My thyroid function is at the top end of normal or just outside of the normal range as a baseline, but the treatment options are pretty severe so I'm not considered symptomatic enough to have to swallow radioactive iodine just yet...

That is terrible!People can be so rude. I am fat and have had soooo many comments on my weight it has become a real bugbear of mine. Why can't people just accept that people come in all shapes and sizes? if we were all clones, the world would be a very dull place! Be proud of who you are!

Btw, maybe it would be better to say that it is usually men who get away with different body sizes. As a woman, as soon as you deviate from the 'norm', everyone from 'well meaning' people to white van drivers will see you as a target. I have often had 'fatty' shouted at me (I am a size 16). My slim friend had 'fat bastard' shouted at her when she was PREGNANT. It is depressing.

That sounds a perfectly fine/normal diet to me, probably a bit too much of it is sweets etc, but I am just the same so can't really criticise!

Agree it's very rude to comment on someone's body shape/size like that, whether they're fat or thin or whatever. Maybe if it was a close friend concerned about your health they might say something in a sensitive way, but random acquaintances making comments in public - no way is that acceptable.

@blue2711 You'd have to add up the calories to be sure. Like I say, the bottom line for weight-gain is circa 2500 and you're probably not getting 2000 from what you describe. So you might not still be losing weight but you won't gain any either

Some easy ideas for gaining....

• put peanut butter or Nutella on your toast, make it three thick slices and drink full-cream milk instead of orange juice with it.
• Add trail-mix (dried fruit and nuts) to your chocolate/cake/biscuit snacks. It's more calorie-dense and more nutritious than sugary snacks. Aim to eat 250g/day on top of your other food
• Add things like red-meat, eggs, full-cream dairy, oils and other fats to your main meals. Salmon is a good oily fish.
• Reduce the amount of vegetables you eat as they are filling but low-cal. Increase the potatoes, noodles and other starchy foods.

Thanks, chil. I'll try those as I am very good at picking at food so the trail mix is perfect.

Yes, I do think a lot of the people commenting tell themselves they are complimenting me but there is a big difference between 'Oh you look lovely and you're so nice and slim, how lucky you are' to the 'skinny' comments. I think lessnarky hits the nail on the head.

Thanks again, all.

It is rude. I always get comments about the amount of food I eat/my size. People look at me and because I'm normal size they assume that I don't eat, but anyone who is close to me knows I eat a normal amount and don't have any issues with food. My BMI is 21 which is within the normal range so I don't know what all the fuss is about. I stop eating when I'm full as I hate the feeling of being too full as I can't breath properly - it's nothing more complicated than that.

I think I'm larger than I look because whenever shop assistants pick clothes for me they're always too small. They never believe me when I tell them what size I am.

have had similar. my bmi is 18, the doc said if i lost any more weight they said they would be looking at eating disorder. I pointed out that i can eat 15 roast potatos with my dinner and that as i had been a gymnast from age 6 until 14 my motabalism is very good. im just under 5ft and i weight 1lb under 7 stone. its just the way i am!!

Dont worry, they are probebly just jealous!

it is horrible that this happens and I had incidents like this when I was in my early twenties. I remember one teenage girl approaching me in the town centre and calling me anorexic, the thing was that I did have an eating disorder and it had taken a lot for me to leave the house and these things set me back each time. Why don't people think before they speak?

I am the same I weigh 7 stone 3 and 5 foot 3. I can eat whatever I want really.

Some people can just eat whatever and not have to worry about weight. My family are all like it. I have had comments I look too thin before but it is always of people who are dieting or trying to lose weight. Just appreciate it.

Blue - I think people say things for a whole host of reasons - but most of them centre around either envy or worry - rather than just being nasty.

I am slightly shorter than you and 8st looks good on me (unfortunately the other several not so!). I wish I could be like you and eat what I want and not put weight on, as it is, I only have to look at a bit of food and the calories leap out and adhere to me! :(

I have a friend who says she eats what she wants and can't put on weight (she says she'd like to and quite frankly, really does need to), but then she actually eats like a sparrow and eats things which have very few calories and lots of bulk. To me what she eats would be a 'strict diet' to her it's eating whatever she wants. A little while ago when she was upset about it (she gets uncomfortable naked in front of her DH & gets upset with others comments) I had a very honest chat with her and she has actually started eating more calorie dense but still healthy food (peanut butter, avocados, good oils etc) and she is looking and feeling a lot better for it.... now if only I could naturally eat as she does we'd both be better off!!

I'll set my stall out now - I'm both envious of you and worried about you.

YANBU. I have this all the time, and then if you complain about it to others they say 'take it as a compliment'. My uncle in law thinks its hilarious to shout EAT in my direction. Makes me want to cry. I got really depressed at uni, partly because everyone kept going on about my weight. People would just ask me outright if I was anorexic. It's horrible.

I really like the first response.

A friend very recently asked outright if I was anorexic. I'm not but my appetite does crash if I'm tired or stressed and out right asking like that is a really good way of temporarily shutting down my appetite. I do however appreciate her asking the question - if she was thinking that then better to ask in case I do need help.