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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my husnad has just said our son is a disappontment :-(

103 replies

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:29

he's 6 by the way. Am I unreasonable to be upset by this comment and to want to tell him to leave (I have'nt). Our son can be quite difficult in that he has speech and language delay and so listening is not his strong point and so you have to have alot of patience my husband hasn't.

He expects our son to be interested in all the things he is/was interested in like swimming, football, and riding his bike. Some of these things doesn't come easy to our son and so my husband gets frustrated. Our son see's them as chore instead of being fun understandably. He loves the outdoors, nature, bugs and learning about the world and dinosaurs and foremost he loves to play, play and play anything else is secondary.I just feel so upset by that comment especially as I can see that my husband does see him as disappointment I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the way he speaks to him.

Ive gently encouraged our son to try news things and clubs like karate and have a feeling he may enjoy Beavers. I would like to have an healthy interest that he enjoys and that he can be good at.Whereas it feels like my husband thinks because hes a boy he should be out learning to ride his bike and swimm and enjoy football.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:31

sorry typing too fast dont want oh to see this thread. He also said it in front of out son-although I don't think he really understood.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 15:32

Your husband sounds like a bastard, sorry

OutOutLetItAllOut · 19/03/2011 15:32

Ok, who did he say it too? And was it that he was disappointed having him as a child, or in him for not liking the things he used to, or just the fact that he doesnt like the same things?

MorticiaAddams · 19/03/2011 15:34

What a bastard.

Tell him that as a father he should love and accept your son for the person he is and not the person he wants or expected him to be.

I would be telling him exactly how disappointed I am in him as a father and that he should take a good look at himself.

flipfloppop · 19/03/2011 15:34

I think that is totally out of order and I would be really upset if my DH said something like that, not that he would. I don't think that is forgiveable. No child of 6 can be a dissappointment surely??

Northeastgirl · 19/03/2011 15:34

Sorry to hear this. Glad you have good ideas of what your son would like to do. I wouldn't ask your husband to leave for this, but I definitely think he should understand that all people are different. Hope you can find an interest for them to enjoy together

blinks · 19/03/2011 15:34

your husband sounds like the disappointing one.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/03/2011 15:35

I think he should see this thread assuming you get the sort of replies I would expect. Your husband sound like an ignorant tosspot and you are right to be upset by this.

Northernlurker · 19/03/2011 15:35

Your husband is a wanker and yes your son will understand his dad is disappointed in him. You need to sit dh down and tell him to shut up before he destroys your child's self esteem. If your husband doesn't back off and open his eyes to the wonderful little boy he has then in your place I would in all seriousness be considering where that left my marriage - I'm not surprised that's crossed your mind!

Original poster
NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:36

He just said he was boring as he didn't want to go out on his bike. And then said to me that he was a disappoinment to him because he doesn't want to do anything that a boy should. But it was the tone iykwim. And I know PA thats how I feel at the moment. Our son is hard work but it doesn't help when dh loses patience with him when he does things wrong. no wonder he doesn't want to ride his bike.

OP posts:
frgr · 19/03/2011 15:36

"expects our son to be interested in all the things he is/was interested in like"

Too many people have children because they are in love with the idea of creating mini-mes. Wanting to encourage your son into doing the things you've enjoyed as a child is wonderful - but being disappointed/responding negative and blaming the child when they don't fit your idea of what they "should" be like shows a total lack of understanding that they are their own person. Isn't this what causes most issues when they're a teenager and trying to establish themselves as an individual?

I can't believe your DH has acted in such a nasty, self absorbed manner. When your son is only 6 too!

Did he want children, or does he just have a completely unrealistic idea of what nurturing a child and fulfiling its needs as a seperate human being actually involves?

YANBU, and I can't believe a living parent would say such a thing to their DW, honestly.

Ryoko · 19/03/2011 15:36

Say to him you are disappointed every morning when you wake up and find him laying next to you.

Everyone is an individual let the boy do what he wants to do.

and tell the dad to fuck off, how would he like it if shit was imposed on him, you make someone do something they are going to hate it end of.

coppertop · 19/03/2011 15:37

Your ds sounds absolutely gorgeous.

Your dh sounds horrible. Children are not some kind of mini-me clone of their parents.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 15:37

Your son will not want to do things if your H makes him feel bad about himself

poor boy Sad

frgr · 19/03/2011 15:38

because he doesn't want to do anything that a boy should

No, your little boy doesn't want to be shoe-horned into the role your DH seems to want to pressure him into. Your DH is a wanker.

Your son will eventually pick up on this, if your DH does't buck up his ideas about what he should be doing as a responsible parent.

Original poster
NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:41

sorry in tears reading this thread think its just hit me what he really said. I can't believe he said it to me in front of our son. I was shocked and didn't want to respond in front of our children as I could of easily burst into tears.He is a very hands on dad and was great until our child reached 3. But theres a perosnality clash an also my dh works away alot so the relationship is fragile and he's alot closer to me
.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 15:41

my ds (10) isn't a "boisterous" boy

he likes insects, and science and "interesting facts". He will play with an ant farm for hours

his fave book is "Guiness Book of World Records", every volume from the year dot to present day

he doesn't really like football and will ride his bike but only to get from A to B

DH has never expressed any disappointment in him. We have both "puzzled" over him (because he is very different to his sis and can be hard to handle sometimes) but in private, and with true affection

your H is missing out, the stupid man

Vicky2011 · 19/03/2011 15:42

Your DS sounds like a top lad and not the kind of child who would be a disappointment to anyone who wasn't a self obsessed thicko.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/03/2011 15:43

aww, sorry you are feeling bad, NOTM

have a and a Brew

Original poster
NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:43

I know and I tell him to leave him be and maybe try and encourage ds's interets rather then his own.

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 19/03/2011 15:43

I feel very sorry for you. Perhaps you can talk to your DH and get him to understand that having a child is not all about him, DH. Just because he is interested in something does not mean that his DS will be. I am/was very interested in music performing, but none of my DC is. They have completely different interests to me and are completely different characters, both to me and each other.

I hope you can get your DH to understand, because your DS soon will, if he doesn't already.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/03/2011 15:43

hmmm. how did he mean it though?

I have a 2yr old DD. She is a complete Daddys girl, wont come near me, wont let me dress her, or change her, or get her to sleep or read a story or bath...or enything actually she howls when he goes to work, I find that i am disapointed that she doesnt want to know me iykwim, Im not disapointed in her, i adore her, but i am disapointed that our relationship is what it is atm.

Did he mean it like that perhaps?

please dont flame me i love my dd and i think she is totally ace, she just doesnt feel the same about me at the moment Smile

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/03/2011 15:44

Just to add, perhaps your DH could do something with your DS that your DS is interested in,like going on a bug hunt, going to the museum to look at dinosaurs.

NinkyNonker · 19/03/2011 15:44

What an arse. It would radically alter my perception of DH if he ever even thought that about dd, let alone say it aloud...and I know he would feel the same about me.

Olessaty · 19/03/2011 15:45

I think you need to talk to your DH. I can understand having these kinds of thoughts, especially when you get frustrated, but voicing them in front of a six year old is not really acceptable.

I think your DH needs to understand how much something like this would undermine his son's confidence, that your son is his own person, an individual that you have made together with his own interests, and that whilst you can understand feeling disappointment on occasion, the manner in which and the degree to which he has expressed this today is counter-productive.

I can understand all the defensive anger on this thread too, I'd definitely feel the same, but I also know there have been times where I have felt disappointed, resentful, frustrated and angry with my children, and there have definitely been times I have acted wrongly on these emotions. What's important is that I have learned lessons, particularly with regards to unrealistic expectations and managing my feelings maturely. Something I think your DH also needs to learn.