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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my husnad has just said our son is a disappontment :-(

103 replies

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:29

he's 6 by the way. Am I unreasonable to be upset by this comment and to want to tell him to leave (I have'nt). Our son can be quite difficult in that he has speech and language delay and so listening is not his strong point and so you have to have alot of patience my husband hasn't.

He expects our son to be interested in all the things he is/was interested in like swimming, football, and riding his bike. Some of these things doesn't come easy to our son and so my husband gets frustrated. Our son see's them as chore instead of being fun understandably. He loves the outdoors, nature, bugs and learning about the world and dinosaurs and foremost he loves to play, play and play anything else is secondary.I just feel so upset by that comment especially as I can see that my husband does see him as disappointment I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the way he speaks to him.

Ive gently encouraged our son to try news things and clubs like karate and have a feeling he may enjoy Beavers. I would like to have an healthy interest that he enjoys and that he can be good at.Whereas it feels like my husband thinks because hes a boy he should be out learning to ride his bike and swimm and enjoy football.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 19/03/2011 17:15

This has been praying on my mind and obviously you really need to speak with your dh but perhaps you can try and teach him the way you would a child ie you teach that a child is not naughty but sometimes does naughty things.

Although there is no way on earth I have changed my mind that your dh is being really nasty about this perhaps you should tell him that there is nothing wrong with being a bit disappointed that your son doesn't like the same things as him. It's completely different and I hope you understand what I mean.

I sometimes dispair that my dc didn't inherit some of my mine and Gomez's good qualities - one is extremely slapdash for instance and I really can't understand it but have to give a big sigh and accept it. On the plus side, they both have other such amazing other qualities that I wish I possessed.

Your dh needs to make an effort to try the things your son likes, it's a great time for nature and bugs. For instance we have a bird house with a handykam in watch the birds nesting on the tv and computer, it's amazing and even if your dh isn't into that sort of thing he couldn't help but get sucked in. They could also try an ant colony or something like that, there are loads of kits about for kids.

I hope you manage to sort your family out, this is such a sad situation.

Anaxagora · 19/03/2011 17:29

There is an important difference between feeling disappointed that your child does not share an interest or enthusiasm that means a lot to you and feeling that your child is a disappointment to you. The first is natural, and probably universal, the second is potentially very damaging.

I have occasionally been disappointed that my dds are so utterly uninterested in pretty dresses and girl things. Sometimes I see other girls in lovely colourful clothes, and feel a twinge that I do not have a child who will provide me with an excuse to buy the clothes that I would like to. But that is my problem, not theirs. I am a bit disappointed that my oldest dd decided to stop playing the flute, because I loved hearing her play, and want the dc to have the chance to share the enjoyment of music with me. But we talked about it, she convinced me that her reasons were valid, so she stopped. My ds is a bright interested boy, but he is not an academic highflyer, so occasionally I am brought up short by how different he is from me and from his sisters, and I have to remind myself to be very careful that I do not inadvertently say anything that might make him think that we think any less of him because he's probably not going to get 11 A*s at GCSE like his big sister did.

None of these are things I could have predicted. On some level it's natural to expect that your child will share many of your own feelings, abilities and interests. And in fairness there is a particular joy in being able to share with your dc something that has meant a lot to you. But there is a different kind of joy in realising that they are their own people, and they may introduce you to things that you never would have thought of yourself and that your job as a parent is not to rear clones of yourself, but to help them to become themselves as best you can.

So your dh needs to work a bit harder on finding things he can share with your ds, rather than resenting him for not being a mini-me. It's great that your ds loves being outside, and it sounds like that might be something that he shares with your dh. Maybe long walks might work for them, or hiking trips or geocaching? Maybe your dh could teach your ds how to build bonfires, or use a telescope, or take him to the zoo? There will be loads of ways your dh can take an interest in your ds and find things they both enjoy, he just needs to work at it a bit.

I think your dh needs to grow up, very fast. You need to spell out to him in words of one syllable that it is natural to be a bit wistful if your child resolutely refuses to share your interests or ambitions, but that it is his job as an adult to find something else that they can bond over. I suspect your dh is feeling a bit left out and rejected by your ds's lack of interest in sports. So rather than just having a go at him, it might be worth pointing out to him just how much little boys need their dads, and that he needs to get over himself and help your ds become the boy that he is, rather than the boy your dh was hoping he might be.

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 17:29

Cumfy I meant ds is closer to me. He's a great hands on dad who takes interests in both our children and I know he loves them. But I do think that ds1 and dh do have a peronality clash. I think ds1 sn does wear dh's patience and maybe because he is struggling at school maybe he wants him to do well in other areas like riding his bike etc.

OP posts:

lilyliz · 19/03/2011 17:29

my son was never into the "boy" things either and was very quiet,he did lioke reading but it was fact based not story books.We worried a bit about him but he did well at school and is now a senior manager with a well known company,has his own house and lots of friends.You never know what is in the future,everyone is different and such a young child should never be a disappointment,think your OH needs to grow up.

sweetgilly · 19/03/2011 17:43

NotInTheMood

Do you think that perhaps you are over reacting a little? I agree that it wasn't a very nice thing to say, but you admit yourself that he is otherwise a very hands on dad. It certainly isn't worth giving up on your marriage for, or do detect that all is not right in the marriage anyway?

colditz · 19/03/2011 17:49

Goodness, if i'd had children in the expectation that there would be flower pressing and little world play that I used to enjoy, I'd be sorely disappointed! What would he have done with a girly girl? I've had to adapt to my testosterone sloshed children, he should adapt to what sounds like a perfectly normal son who has the misfortune to be saddled with a disappointing father.

mmsmum · 19/03/2011 17:51

I think it's very sad but I am not going to wade in and call your DP a name. He must be going through some awful feelings and thoughts and instead of falling out with him over it I'd try to talk to him about it. I don't think DP should be called names, he was just being honest, and people have said worse things than that about their kids. I just find it very sad really and wouldn't get angry about it

HecateTheCrone · 19/03/2011 17:52

I am disappointed for my children that they will struggle in life, that things will not happen for them that they will for other people, that they will need help and support that other people will not need, etc etc.

I am disappointed for them. Because it is their life. I wish that it was different for them. but it is what it is.

I cannot imagine being disappointed in them.

How can you be disappointed in a child for their disability?

I'm sorry, but I think your husband is horrible.

What's more, he's only thinking of himself when he should be thinking of his child.

altinkum · 19/03/2011 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 18:01

I was disappointed.
I was frustrated and angry and despairing. I felt useless. I felt sure I couldn't help and I couldn't understand why life had asked me to cope with something I was spectacularly I'll equipped to deal with. At times I blamed ds. At it hers I blamed myself.

I am not sure I was a shit or horrible. I was pretty lost really.

That's why I asked the op if she thought her dh was struggling or indifferent

new2cm · 19/03/2011 18:10

Reply to him that the feeling may be mutual. Perhaps your DS finds his dad is a disappointment?

If I were you, I would tell DH that he needs to try harder to find common ground and hobbies they both enjoy doing together.

noddyholder · 19/03/2011 18:14

Why what was he hoping for? what a git

babyapplejack · 19/03/2011 18:19

It is OK for your DH to feel confused about your DS not being as he expected. But he needs to get over that now - my eldest has mild SN and my youngest is not what I expected at all. At times, I am frustrated to the point of tears with my eldest but I love him more than anything and I am not in any way disappointed with him and would not change him even if I could wave a magic wand. Your husband needs to adjust his mindset and concentrate on the son he has, not the one that is a figment of his imagination. You can't make children like things that they are not cut out to like, you have to nurture the things they do like.

Ormirian · 19/03/2011 18:22

Poor little chap

misereremeu · 19/03/2011 18:46

Did he say it to ds, or about him?

Whatever way, it is very damaging for your boy. As the others have said, ds isn't about dh, ds is a separate person. That said, I also was disappointed that I didn't get a girly-girl but knew that was about me not about them (they are now so womanly they stop traffic, so you never know how it's all going to end up!)

If dh said this in front of ds then it doesn't seem that he realises ds is a human being, which suggests a break in their relationship, a lack of bonding. I hope they can find something they can do together. You really must come down hard on dh for saying this in ds's earshot - I do hope it wasn't to him . There are some things that should never be said to children, ever, and that is one of the key ones that should never pass our lips. It's another thing to feel it but even then we need to recognise it's our problem, not the child's.

annapolly · 19/03/2011 19:09

I don't blame you for being angry. I think it is a common problem with some men they think they will get a mini me.

My DH is disappointed with our son who is wellbehaved and highly intelligent because DS makes DH look thick and he doesn't like football.

onceamai · 19/03/2011 19:19

I haven't read all of this. Do you think your DH is grieving for what might have been.

cory · 19/03/2011 19:28

Agree with you, Hecate, that it is totally off to be disappointed in a child. But would you say the only permissible disappointment is disappointment for the children for what they will be missing in life? Are you never ever allowed to grieve for your own life and for what you are missing? I am probably a wanker in that case: I do grieve. But I do it quietly.

kazmus · 19/03/2011 19:41

when your ds has conquered his challenges with your love and support and he is a grown man and your husband is old and frail and needing his support lets hope he refuses and tells him it is because he was a disappointment as a father. Get out now, concentrate on those who need your help and support and let the real disappointment fester in his own sad life

cory · 19/03/2011 19:56

fit2drop · 19/03/2011 20:09

OP what a terible situation for you.
Your Husband should be told that it is he who is the disappointment to you as a father to your son.

At 6 his life should be play play and more play...that is how children learn and your husband should not be reliving his own childhood activities through his son.
I think its wonderful that at such a young age your son has shown an interest in nature and outdoors etc.It makes a change from hearing about such young children only being interested in computor games etc.
Surely its more important or more constructive for a parent to try and be interested and get involved in a childs interests than for a child to HAVE to be interested in his fathers choices.

Maybe camping ? Wildlife parks, museums all amazing places for children to learn and experience .(If thats what they are interested in)

Your husband should be proud of what your son can do and not waste emotional energy being disappointed in what he cant do or isn't interested in doing.

I feel for your son. How DISAPPOINTED must he be in not having a father who understands his needs

HecateTheCrone · 19/03/2011 20:10

I wouldn't presume to tell you how you should feel, but for me, no, I am sad for them. I rage about the unfairness of it all, but for the life they should have had.

I bet I probably have had a few 'poor me' moments, I bet everyone does. But I always try to remember that my focus is them. If I wallow in how I feel, I'm no good to them.

I don't think you're a wanker. I think you're a loving parent. It's a challenge.

cory · 19/03/2011 20:16

It is a challenge, Hecate, because I am the one who misses the outdoors life; they don't. They were brought up in the UK and don't really see the it as anything desirable: I was brought up in a totally different culture and literally didn't think people could survive without close contact to nature. It is hard and it is wrecking my health. But of course I don't whinge to them, how could I?

Ormirian · 20/03/2011 07:02

Cory - that must be hard

Being sad that their needs impact so severly on you is quite different to being disappointed in them

FattyArbuckel · 20/03/2011 07:18

This attitude will be a huge burden and knife in the side of your ds. If your dh won't change then think about leaving him

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