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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my husnad has just said our son is a disappontment :-(

103 replies

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:29

he's 6 by the way. Am I unreasonable to be upset by this comment and to want to tell him to leave (I have'nt). Our son can be quite difficult in that he has speech and language delay and so listening is not his strong point and so you have to have alot of patience my husband hasn't.

He expects our son to be interested in all the things he is/was interested in like swimming, football, and riding his bike. Some of these things doesn't come easy to our son and so my husband gets frustrated. Our son see's them as chore instead of being fun understandably. He loves the outdoors, nature, bugs and learning about the world and dinosaurs and foremost he loves to play, play and play anything else is secondary.I just feel so upset by that comment especially as I can see that my husband does see him as disappointment I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the way he speaks to him.

Ive gently encouraged our son to try news things and clubs like karate and have a feeling he may enjoy Beavers. I would like to have an healthy interest that he enjoys and that he can be good at.Whereas it feels like my husband thinks because hes a boy he should be out learning to ride his bike and swimm and enjoy football.

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/03/2011 15:46

sorry i was really slow, obviously not like me,

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:46

Our son struggles at school with reading and writing because of his langauge delay so obviously I want to find out what his interests and strenghs are to help with his confidence and support him.
I felt like telling him to leave probably because he works away alot (forces wives will understand) so when he comes home its hard for him to fit in sometimes.

OP posts:

cory · 19/03/2011 15:48

ok to some extent I can possibly understand your dh

I know it was bad of me, but I did dream of children who would want to play out of doors and care about nature and dinosaurs and things and be carefree and jolly and off on childish adventures and let me carry on enjoying the woods and the mountains and the sea

what I got was two disabled children who want to spend all their time indoors (dd preferably in bed), one of whom gets panic attacks at the slightest twinge of pain or sore throat, both of whom get ill for weeks if they get the slightest bit chilled or tired out- and who consequently have a very negative attitude towards the outdoor things I feel I cannot live without

there are days when it hurts- because I am stuck indoors and it feels like I will never get out of this cage

but that is my problem and it is for me to handle my disappointment, not to load it on their shoulders

I do not tell dcs they are a disappointment to me

that's what you pay the therapist for

your dh should learn to keep his concerns to himself

particularly as there is a perfectly reasonable chance that his ds will learn to enjoy the things he loves- if only his dad handles it right

meditrina · 19/03/2011 15:50

Might it be worth cross-posting this in the Special Needs forum? I've heard that in coming to terms with disabilities, there are a range of emotions (anger, disappointment, guilt) that can precede acceptance and appreciation of the child you have.

People there may have trodden this path, and had DPs who trod it at a different time/way to themselves, and be able to offer advice on how to find a way forward.

Ryoko · 19/03/2011 15:51

if the insults fly infront of the boy then you should say what you want to say infront of the boy.

if you let it slide and say your piece when the boy isn't there, how will the boy know you are not disappointed in him as well?

speak your mind at the time he will be glade to know mummy is on his side, 6 years old is well old enough to realise your dad is a wanker frankly.

openerofjars · 19/03/2011 15:54

Aw, Babydubs, children can be so weird like that. You know it's a phase, right? DS sometimes prefers DH to me: it does sting, but he's just working out how to do relationships. I think.

OP, your DS sounds ace. Your H is a nasty bully for talking about him in his presence like that. Were your other children there as well? Children are a gift, but not one you can exchange if you don't like them. Grr.

robotlollypopman · 19/03/2011 16:02

YANBU but I wonder if your DH has just made his point badly. My DS is only 6 months old but I look forward to the days when I can take him out to play football and have a good kickaround with him. If he didn't want to play football, he wouldn't be a disappointment but I WOULD be disappointed. If your DH was looking forward to doing certain activities (and things such as riding bikes together can be bonding) then perhaps he feels a little disappointed. I'm not fully defending him but is there a chance that he has just made a mess in revealing his feelings?

Blackduck · 19/03/2011 16:04

My ds is not a football boy either. he reads encylopedias for fun :) He is who he is....I am with others he, if dp ever made such a statement I'd have to re-think my relationship with him (dp, that is, not ds).

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 16:07

Ryoko my son knows he is not a disappointment in me and I will have a ord and tell him at bed time to remind him of that. I have a great relationship with my son so i have no concerns about doubting me. If i reponded to dh then he could said more and it could of turned into a full blown argument. I know for a fact dh will be dweling on what he has said as he knows im upset and will probaby speak to ds latre no doubt.

I admit that I am disappointed that ds doesn't want to learn things like swimming or riding his bike just because you its important life skills. But im not disappointed in him as he has loads of other qualities and he's my son and I love him dearly.He frustrates me yes-because I know if he tried harder he could do these things and learn to enjoy him.But my gentle encouragement takes two steps back when dh always puts pressure on him.

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 19/03/2011 16:16

Tell your DH that the only disappointing person around here is him.

Have you thought that your boy might have dyspraxia? Mine has speech and language development delays, and still can't ride a bike at ten, and needs a laptop in class because he doesn't have the strength to write enough.

I'm not saying a lack of interest in these things mean dyspraxia, but it is a possibility.

MadameDefarge · 19/03/2011 16:17

and fwiw, swimming and riding a bike are not life skills. They are good to have, but not vital.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 19/03/2011 16:21

I would have to disagree about swimming, MadameDefarge - that is a skill that can save someone's life, so I would have to argue that it is a vital life skill.

It should still be fun for the child, though, and this dad needs to understand that the child is an individual with his own likes and dislikes, and he should value him for all the things he can do.

So mean to say in front of him that he's a disappointment - that would devastate a child.

MadameDefarge · 19/03/2011 16:24

He can always learn swimming later. My Ds Learnt at 8. He just wasn't ready for it physically before.

There are many life skills that we pick up along the way, doesn't all have to be at the age of 6. There are others that are more important at his age.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/03/2011 16:30

Maybe you could get your OH to read some of the threads around at the moment and then ask him how disapointed he really is?

Some people need to be reminded how lucky they are.

saffy85 · 19/03/2011 16:33

Your husband sounds very self obsessed. Your son has found his own interests, something that takes great confidence to do. This should be applauded imo. It would have been easier for him if he'd just conformed to his dad's idea of normal. He wants to other stuff. Good for him.

Instead of getting huffy about this "disappointment" your husband would do well to think about joining in with what your DS wants to do. He might enjoy himself.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 19/03/2011 16:39

Absolutely, MmeDefarge - maybe he's not ready to learn to swim yet. I was disagreeing with your statement that swimming was not a vital life skill.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 19/03/2011 16:40

You're right, MrsDeVere - the OP should tell her dh about Edgar's ds and tell him that there are worse things than having a son who doesn't enjoy riding a bike.

FourFortyFour · 19/03/2011 16:42

My DH would be my XH if he said that about any of my children. 2 of our children have had problems and never once as DH expressed a disappointment in them.

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 16:50

I do not for one second condone what he said - especially saying it in front if his/your son. Totally wanker behaviour.

But I don't know him. Is he scared do you think?

I think sometimes we display fear as anger andcresentment.
Dies he worry that his son is different - that life will be harder for him?
Does he feel so desperate for your son to have cliche boy skills so that he feels more connected with your son and has some commonality with him -shared interests and shared activities?

Dh is bloody fantastic with ds2 but it wasn't easy initially because dh felt so bloody useless. He felt that all the things he expected to teach his son were off the table. I was doing the speech therapy and the bed time stories and he thought weekends would be rugby and dog walks etc.

He just needed to realise that he could find a way to be with him that suited them both. It was watching rugby initially but they are very very close now. They found a way through it.

Don't get me wrong. Your dh needs a rocket. But assuming he loves you and loves his son, maybe you should help him deal with his fear and grief.
It is a kind of grief I think. The way we face the fact that our children have areas where they struggle. We just have to take our heads out if our backsides and get on with the child we have and love.

exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 16:52

It is so sad when parents have expectations. You have to wait and see what sort of DC you get and respond to them -luckily you can't order what you want like a commodity. I should be very annoyed-how dare he be disappointed? He has a wonderful, unique DC.

reelingintheyears · 19/03/2011 16:55

How sad...all our DC are different.

Another one who should read Edgars thread and the other one.

And realise what you can lose.

Eglu · 19/03/2011 16:59

Your DH is totally unreasonable in saying that.

Even if your DS didn't have speech and language problems he may not have been the stereotypical boy your DH wanted.

The comment about not wanting to do stuff boys should is awful. Every person is an individual. Not all girls like shopping, not all boys like football, and why should they.

Your DH needs to deal with his issues towards gender expectations.

berylmuspratt · 19/03/2011 17:00

Your little boy sounds lovely.
Your husband is being a git and has a very black and white view of what a boy should be.
My boy hates football and doesn't follow the crowd, we think that is ace. He loves science and is interested in how things work and facts :)
Btw DS will be 6 soon and wants to join the Beavers too, hope your lovely boy has loads of fun.

Pagwatch · 19/03/2011 17:02

Op, come back.

What do you think?

Is he a loving dad who is dealing with your sons difficulties in a spectacularly crap way.

Or is he a wanker sulking about not having a future first team son?

Which do you think? It affects how to go from here I think.

cumfy · 19/03/2011 17:06

Just to clarify ... you feel your relationship with DS is stronger than your relationship with DH ?

Or just that DS is a lot closer to you than DH ?

dh works away alot so the relationship is fragile and he's alot closer to me

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