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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my husnad has just said our son is a disappontment :-(

103 replies

NotInTheMood · 19/03/2011 15:29

he's 6 by the way. Am I unreasonable to be upset by this comment and to want to tell him to leave (I have'nt). Our son can be quite difficult in that he has speech and language delay and so listening is not his strong point and so you have to have alot of patience my husband hasn't.

He expects our son to be interested in all the things he is/was interested in like swimming, football, and riding his bike. Some of these things doesn't come easy to our son and so my husband gets frustrated. Our son see's them as chore instead of being fun understandably. He loves the outdoors, nature, bugs and learning about the world and dinosaurs and foremost he loves to play, play and play anything else is secondary.I just feel so upset by that comment especially as I can see that my husband does see him as disappointment I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the way he speaks to him.

Ive gently encouraged our son to try news things and clubs like karate and have a feeling he may enjoy Beavers. I would like to have an healthy interest that he enjoys and that he can be good at.Whereas it feels like my husband thinks because hes a boy he should be out learning to ride his bike and swimm and enjoy football.

OP posts:

ambarth · 20/03/2011 07:22

DH is a bastard

SlightlyB0nkers · 20/03/2011 07:51

To say that to a child is cruel. Having different interests is not a failing so your DH needs to open his mind.

I had parents who only took an interest if we did something musical. It hurt to not have them take any notice of my accomplishments in sports. But they never went as far as saying I was a disappointment to them. I don't know if i would've ever forgiven them if they had of.

Your dh needs to grow up and accept that your son is a unique person. Not less or more important because he has different interests. I would not let anyone say such hurtful things in front of them. He's only 6 and to knock his confidence at such a young age is terrible.

In Finland, school starts at 7 years old. It's considered one of the best schooling systems in the world. Your son has time yet to catch up on his Reading and writing. He would still be playing if he lived in Finland.

I think your son is being written off before he's even had a chance to get going. I pity your dh for missing out on your son. His blinkers are keeping him from seeing the real boy he has.

TotalChaos · 20/03/2011 07:51

Agree with pag. It is completely unacceptable to tell your child they are a disappointment. But I wouldnt immediately say leave him, as its hard to guage whether he is coping badly with the sn issues or is self absorbed and selfish and lacking in empathy towards your ds. It may be that a strong talking to and more detailed explanation from him as to why the blokey interests are important may clear the air. And a kick up the arse to focus on ds interests.

LIZS · 20/03/2011 08:01

How sad and your poor ds. However if your dh works away a lot then perhaps he sets himself up for a disappointment when he deos have the time to spend by expecting your ds to fit neatly into the father-son image he has created. Suggest he spends one to one time with him, learning what interests him then he could then use that as an opportunity to redirect his own enthusiasm. Nature walks could become scooter then eventually bike rides. However if he is like our ds he may never generate sufficient interest and overcome the fear to even try to ride a bike, and your dh needs to accept that may yet be the case.

PavlovtheCat · 20/03/2011 08:03

Maybe he should think about our MN friend who has lost her precious son in the last few days and maybe he should reflect how lucky he is to have a son.

I would not say he is a bastard. But he is ungrateful and clearly unable to recognise the wonder that is his son for sure.

PavlovtheCat · 20/03/2011 08:05

as for leaving him - that is your call, only you can decide how much of a negative impact on your child this will have growing up, and whether there is anything you can do to help him understand the importance of accepting your son's personality as an individual and not as a clone. Can you show him/help him recognise how terrible his words are, and how damaging they will be to his son as he grows up? If you think you can, then two parents are obviously better. But if you don't think you are able to do this, or that he will realise this himself, then your son will be better off without him as a daily constant.

Georgimama · 20/03/2011 08:21

The OP's child doesn't sound like he has significant disabilities, and I know there are some people on this thread whose children do. So the disappointment disability brings (which is entirely understandable) is probably a bit different from what the OP's husband has expressed. Sounds like the OP's child has lots of interests and abilities and the OP's husband is just peeved that he isn't a rough and tumble physical "boy's boy" in the way he would have wanted his son to be.

Tough tits, I say. On balance I'm going with "he's an arse".

Heifer · 20/03/2011 08:39

I think your son may look back when he is older and realise that his father was a disappointment.

I agree that if comments are made in front of your son, then you should disagree infront of your son. Let him see you stand up for his, let him know that he certainly isn't a disappointment to you...

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 20/03/2011 08:57

NITM - I would think about what Pag has said (and others, but Pag, I feel really hits the nail on the head and knows what it's like too).

You need to do something about his attitude (which is, quite frankly, shit).

At the very, very least I would be telling him that if he ever speaks like that about DS in front of him again that it will be the end of the relationship.

He maybe a hands on Dad, but right now he is not a great Dad.

verytellytubby · 20/03/2011 09:01

What a bastard.

He must be a disappointment to your son.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 09:09

Oh, that is very

But do you really think that your husband meant this in the way that it sounds?

I think given the difficulties your DS is having and the difficulties your DH is having in relating to him, it wouldn't be unusual to have some unexpected feelings.

Are you sure your DH didn't mean something more along the lines of..... 'I'm dissapointed me and DS don't get on better' or 'I'm dissapointed that DS and I don't enjoy doing things together'

I'm not sure I totaaly agree with some of the harsher posts on here about your DH. Your DH probably had a dream of doing all these lovely things with your DS, and had imagined everything being somewhat different and his bubble has been burst. He is probably having a bit of difficulty dealing with this and is not sure how to go about things. My instinct would be to have a big honest talk with DH - get him to see that he can still have a good relationship with DS, just a different one to what he had imagined, and see what support they need to help this on its way

Becaroooo · 20/03/2011 09:23

My ds1 is not interested in what boys "should" be interested in either...what does that even mean???

He likes dinosuars, cars, planes, trains, animals etc. He hates lego, football, computer games...all the stuff my nephews love. He does like swimming but thats a fairly recent thing.

He isnt what I expected - he is so much more!!

What your husband said is unforgivable IMHO.

(btw I am an assistant beaver leader and the change we see in some of our kids after they have been with us a while is amazing....I think your ds might benefit from beavers - or something like it)

hissymissy · 20/03/2011 09:28

OP, have you had a chat with DH? Has he seen the evil of his ways?

NorthernGobshite · 20/03/2011 09:28

I think your oh is probably a dissapointment to your son.

Its a terrible thing to say, especially in front of your ds.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 20/03/2011 09:35

It sounds very much like your H has not come to terms with the delays that your DS suffers with. I'd suggest he may need counselling to be able to express his feelings which may be sadness, regret, frustration rather than disappointment and come to accept your DS for who he is.

spanky2 · 20/03/2011 09:37

My ds1 is not like other boys. At the moment he is watching a documentary on the planets. He is 6 and can't ride a bike - he fell off once and it put him off. He can't swim because he was terrified of loud places when he was small. He is bad at playing football. You husband needs to realise the world is made up of lots of different people. He has got to find the good points about his son, because he wanted to have him, his son didn't ask to be born. I think boys like ours will be wonderful husbands and fathers and maybe your husband should learn something about sensitivity from his son.

cory · 20/03/2011 09:42

Slightly, if the OPs son lived in Finland he would probably be expected to help with the cooking and DIY and fishing and sauna building. Ime Scandinavian fathers (and mothers) tend to expect rather more of their children than we do here, just not exclusively academic stuff.

But of course that is totally irrelevant to the argument which is that noone has the right to tell a child they are a disappointment.

(though I can imagine a Finnish father having to bite his tongue hard not to express disappointment with a son too squeamish to gut the fish)

maxpower · 20/03/2011 09:45

I'd have been inclined to respond, well you're a disappointment to me in your approach to fatherhood.

What an awful thing to say/hear.

plopplopquack · 20/03/2011 10:24

It sounds as though he doesn't see your son as his own person at all and doesn't respect that. Does he realise that children aren't going to be interested in things just because their parent was? Have you actually said this to him.

Saying sucha horrible thing in front of your child is unforgivable. What happened after? Did he realise it was out of order and apologise and chat to his son about it?

Sorry if these questions have been answered. Supposed to be doing my weekly shop but I'm sneekily on here.

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/03/2011 11:01

I don't understand why everyone is shouting 'leave him' or why this is even on the table unless you have other major problems. Your issue is he's done something completely out of order which has to be stopped. But on the other hand, you've said he's a hands on dad, works away a lot, and presumably would want to be a dad anyway, even if you left him. So, the issue of how to handle the reality of your children, and not the fantasty, isn't going to be dealt with by chucking him out and having him visit on weekends, is it?

This relationship between father and son is ongoing, whatever happens in the marriage. Removing dad entirely from the picture would be incredibly damaging. The question then becomes: how can they build a better relationship? I would speak frankly to your husband about how shocked and horrified you were to hear what he said and that however much he is struggling with the relationship, that must never be said again. But then LISTEN to why this is hard for him. Perhaps he feels very shut out, perhaps he genuinely doens't understand the nature of his learning issues (and needs to know more about him), perhaps he just needs a bottom line spelling out to him about acceptance.

I think just as parents often have idealised views of their children on here, so do some MNetters of the relationships between parents and children. I have found in my relationships with the children, I have felt (and still do) disappointment, anger, dislike, simple disbelief and so on. My children are probably looking at me and feeling the same, at times(although we have a very loving relationship). We are all on a learning curve, and I am not an all knowing all accepting person, perhaps your husband needs to be on a sharp learning curve on this one, but I wouldn't write him off yet.

PeterAndreForPM · 20/03/2011 11:41

I don't actually see anyone "shouting leave him"

Everybody has said what he did is totally inappropriate, even the ones who can empathise with the blokes feelings, and some have said they would re-evaluate his role as "good dad" but "you must leave him!" ? Nope, not in there

OTMC...don't jump on the "MN Fishwives always trying to break up marriages" bandwagon, it's a rather lazy viewpoint

cory · 20/03/2011 11:47

I think I'd agree with Onetoomany. Not that he has not been out of order. But- mums frequently come on Mumsnet and confess that they have been out of order and said things they shouldn't to their children. Sometimes things that sound very similar to what the OPs dh said. You never seem to hear anyone shouting that the father should kick the poster out and that the children would be better off without her out. If a dad came onto the forum and said his wife had said something like this, I doubt that the advice given would be to kick the wife out and look after the children on his own. Mums are seen as indispensible even when they have said something seriously stupid, dads are dispensible.

I think a sharp talking-to might be more in order. Seriously if every parent who ever said anything indefensible to their children had to leave- how many of us would still be here? When you have said something wrong, you apologise, you explain you didn't mean it, you show that you didn't mean it. You don't just give up and walk out.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 20/03/2011 11:49

I think even the word "disappointed" is cruel and your dh should seriously evaluate what he wants from family life because as much as wants to have the perfect ds, there is no such thing. Our son has speech and language problems and is not typically boistrous but we love the fact that he is himself and he feels no pressure from anyone to change. Dh needs to apologise to you and ds and then have a long hard think about how he is going to change his attitude as he has the problem OP, not your darling boy.

piratecat · 20/03/2011 12:03

has op come back yet?

edam · 20/03/2011 12:12

that's very sad. And agree it must be tackled. Your dh has to realise ds is his own person, not a mini-me. And if your dh stops hassling him, he may eventually discover he enjoys some of these things anyway, as he grows and develops.

Could you turn it round, and ask your husband how he would feel if his father said he was a disappointment? And if someone who was very important to him tried to force him to do things he doesn't enjoy, and then got cross with him when he didn't enjoy them?

Maybe parenting classes would help - you will have a local childrens' centre where you can find these.

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