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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect MIL to help me out a little more?

108 replies

thebird · 18/03/2011 18:24

I have 2 DDs 3 and 7. I work PT and DH works long hours and is often away overnight with work and also works some Saturdays. My family live abroad and the nearest family to us is my MIL who lives about 5 miles away. We have always got on really well and as MILs go she is good and a lovely grandma. She usually has the girls in the school holidays while I work PT but I also balance this by working my holidays around this to make sure she is not overburdened. Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask.

There are times when we dont see her for weeks in between school holidays. I often find it hard with no family around and wish she would just offer to help sometimes without me having to ask. The kids have never been to sleep over at her house despite a few hints. She is in good health and doesnt work and I know she adores her grandaughters. I guess I just feel sad cause I know if I my mum lived this close to me I would have lots of help or am i expecting too much?

OP posts:
littleducks · 18/03/2011 18:25

I think YABU, she is their grandmother not a babysitter and already helps you out

activate · 18/03/2011 18:25

YES

MorticiaAddams · 18/03/2011 18:26

YABU and it sounds as though she does plenty for you.

You say that you don't see her for weeks in between school holidays, why don't you visit her as a family?

justpaddling · 18/03/2011 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doozle · 18/03/2011 18:28

She sounds like she helps a lot, really.

Some people get literally no help at all.

mummynoseynora · 18/03/2011 18:29

wow

of course YABU

I work as does DH, we have both lots of family reasonably near by - and the DC rarely stay with either of them because they are OUR responsibility! I would never ASK unless stuck big time! DD stayed at Grannys overnight a month a go because GRANNY asked if she wanted to and DD said yes.....

Taking advantage... much?

ClenchedBottom · 18/03/2011 18:31

To 'wish for' more help, maybe YANBU. To 'expect' - YABVU, sorry.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 18:31

Instead of hinting and hoping, why not just bloody ask her!

After reading all the threads on here about interfering MIL's maybe she is holding back so as not to step on your toes.

onceamai · 18/03/2011 18:35

Good grief. She does tons. I've never had that much from either my mum or my MIL. We always had to pay babysitters and when the children were younger we had to pay for childcare and clubs in the holidays.

unfitmother · 18/03/2011 18:36

YABU to expect

zukiecat · 18/03/2011 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/03/2011 18:37

YABU, be thabkful that she can help with holiday childcare rather than moan that you want more.

Perhaps she feels she only sees you when you want her to look after the children. Do you ever visit just to see her?

Why should she offer sleepovers etc? You choose to have children and only work part time, if you feel you need more help then pay for more childcare. Stop hinting and putting her under pressure, she should be enjoying being a grandmother not be expected to take on the responsibility of caring because you feel she should help you more.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2011 18:38

YABU and sound quite spoilt. If you want more help then move back to your family. You know what you were getting into when you had children. Life's tough.

I say this as someone who has no family help to hand at all whatsoever.

Bet you're the type who never picks up the phone or visits except when you want something out of her.

magicmummy1 · 18/03/2011 18:41

YABU to expect more. They're your kids.

ziva · 18/03/2011 18:42

YABU.she has done her child rearing and is now probably enjoying herself.she helps you out with childcare.

ssd · 18/03/2011 18:43

agree with other posters

sounds like you only go near her to get free childcare

stop thinking of yourself and consider her POV for a change, maybe she is wary of visiting as she knows free childcare will be subtley expected?

YABU

Original poster
thebird · 18/03/2011 18:47

Ok maybe you are right. I am just comparing with friends who are always swanning around at weekends child free due to the help of parents/ family and a maybe a feeling sorry for myself that I dont enjoy the luxury. Its not just that I expect lots more of her help its just that I hate asking and it would be nice if she would sometimes offer when she knows DH is away and I've got flu for example. Although she has the kids in the holidays it might be one half day a week and I usually take the half terms off as I said I do try not to burden her too much. I do invite her round for lunch, or a cuppa etc. so its not just that i only call her when we need a babysitter or want something.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 18/03/2011 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2011 18:49

My sil and mil live less than a mile away. I had my sil babysit for an evening, she charged me £60.

I don't even ask my mil as she has depression and she is apparently currently upset that we don't have her over much for dinner, it used to be twice a week.

Honestly you have nothing to complain about. You can't expect help, just be grateful when it's offered.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2011 18:50

'I am just comparing with friends who are always swanning around at weekends child free due to the help of parents/ family and a maybe a feeling sorry for myself that I dont enjoy the luxury.'

Stop doing that.

We live in a rural area/small village where a lot of the people have loads of family help.

We don't.

That's life.

We swap out sitting with friends who are in similar situations and just get on with it.

My family are 5000 miles away. DH's are 90 miles away and in very poor health.

That's how it is. We're here because this is a better place for our kids to grow up than our native areas.

Life's a trade off.

DurhamDurham · 18/03/2011 18:51

Invite her over for dinner on a regular basis and spoil her a bit. Then you won't feel bad about asking her if the girls can sleep over one night.

I thought your comment Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask a bit strange. Of course you have to ask, she's unlikely to know you need a babysitter if you don't mention it.

StayFrosty · 18/03/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humanoctopus · 18/03/2011 18:53

Maybe you get on so well with her so far as she does what she feels able to do, so pushing for more may lead to less.

saffy85 · 18/03/2011 18:55

As everyone else said, YABU to expect anyone else to take care of your own kids for you, although it's always nice if other people do want to help out loads. It sounds like she helps you quite alot as it is tbh. Some people would kill for the amount of help you get.

ssd · 18/03/2011 18:57

"'I am just comparing with friends who are always swanning around at weekends child free due to the help of parents/ family and a maybe a feeling sorry for myself that I dont enjoy the luxury.'

I'm sitting here comparing myself to you that gets free childcare in the school holidays and birthdays and very rare nights out Shock

some people (me included) would see this amount of childcare you already get as a true luxury

you sound spoilt and self indulgent