to expect MIL to help me out a little more?

[thebird]

I have 2 DDs 3 and 7. I work PT and DH works long hours and is often away overnight with work and also works some Saturdays. My family live abroad and the nearest family to us is my MIL who lives about 5 miles away. We have always got on really well and as MILs go she is good and a lovely grandma. She usually has the girls in the school holidays while I work PT but I also balance this by working my holidays around this to make sure she is not overburdened. Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask.

There are times when we dont see her for weeks in between school holidays. I often find it hard with no family around and wish she would just offer to help sometimes without me having to ask. The kids have never been to sleep over at her house despite a few hints. She is in good health and doesnt work and I know she adores her grandaughters. I guess I just feel sad cause I know if I my mum lived this close to me I would have lots of help or am i expecting too much?

FuppyGish
Yes lots of my circle of friends seem to be lucky enough to be in your position with parents/ PIL helping lots. Hence why I was just comparing my situation to theirs while feeling rough and not really being in a glass half full mood!

clam
Your MIL sounds like a dream. Much as I love my MIL she would never do all that and no I would not EXPECT her too either. OMG ironing that is a luxury!

thebird - Im totally with you, I think you have every right to wish for more. Try talking to her x

Ever thought of just inviting her round? You know, Sunday lunch or something?
Having her as a guest, not unpaid childminder.

the bird - I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's a bit like this with my mum, we always have to ask. Sometimes you just wish they'd see how hard you're finding things and offer to help unprompted. She is always absolutely fine when we do ask. Maybe you just need to ask more and she's trying not to interfere?

NannyOgg
I do invite her round as a guest for lunch etc. and not because I'm looking for babysitting favours but because family is important to me and I want my DDs to be close to their grandma. Sometimes she comes, sometimes shes too busy which I am totally ok with this as she has her own life to lead.

Then, not meaning to be nasty, maybe she is just living it.
I can understand you wanting more help, but maybe she feels she is doing enough. She might give in when asked, but really would prefer to get on with her own business.

Looking after a couple of kids is hard bloody work, even harder when your ill. So even though maybe you shouldn't expect childcare from your MIL, I don't think your unreasonable in feeling a bit down in the dumps about it.

My own mother, who went on and on about GC for years, refused to pick up my DD from childcare recently when I was rushed to hospital with hyperemesis. Like another poster says you can reserve your judgement if you will be forthcoming with help when their older, and need it.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

Thanks Junebugjr...Looking into the future i know I will be called on to help her when she is older as my SIL lives far away and is a complete flake anyhow. My MIL even jokes about this now! Of course I will help her as, like I've said I do appreciate the help she gives me.

hi mum love you just to say its me alexandra love love love love love love love love love love love love love you mum

Haven't read whole thread but have you thought that the reason she doesn't offer is because she might feel used?

If you don't make the effort to see her for weeks on end but when you do it's when she's looking after your kids in the holidays then this could be the root of it.

Why don't you take her by surprise and arrange to do something nice with MIL and DC2 next week or the week after? Maybe pick up and take her for lunch/to a cafe and then for a nice walk, or invite her around to your house and make a special lunch for her and get DC help you to make a special cake?

Make her feel loved and if nothing comes of it at least you'll feel like you're putting is as much effort as she is!

Incidentally, my mum lives 10 minutes away by car. My DCs are 14, 5, 3 and 14 months and whilst my DC1 goes for tea once a week and regularly sleeps over, my DC2 has only had a sleepover at my parents' once and this was two years ago - he has never been invited to sleep over since, and gave up asking about a year ago, bless him!

My DNephews are 18 months younger than my DC1 and also regularly have sleepovers - and did from being about 1 year old .

Anyway, I've decided that inspite of this I need to spoil my mum a bit more and have decided that every other Friday I'm going to take her out and do something lovely with my mum and DDs # 3 and 4!

Blimey - just posted that and didn't realise till it appeared on the actual thread how long that post was, even by my standards. Sorry

I might have had a bit of sympathy if you had said "I WISH MIL would help out more" instead of "I EXPECT MIL to help out more"

I lived in my uncles suite, right below him and he never once offered to sit with DD even for 15 minutes while I ran out to the shop for something. Not once. And the handful of times I asked, he had some lame ass excuse. We've had a falling out, thank god, TBH, so won't be expecting any in the future either. All the rest of our family live 4 hour flight away. I have no family to help ever. Count your blessings.

I am in your shoes so YANBU. I asked my mil when I was pregnant if she would commit to 2, yes only 2 days a month to watch dd while I worked. she said I could ask and if she was free would do it but would not commit. if we lived near my mother I wouldn't even have to ask her to take dd 3 days a week while I worked, she would be upset at only 2 a month. I guess I am unreasonable too to expect a grandparent who does not work and is in good health to offer to babysit a night every couple of months and to help out at least once a week. to me, that is normal, its what grandparents do. I am going to ask mil again to take dd a few days a month while I work hoping she she will be more obliging now dd is here. wish me luck.

appologies for random post up thread

but thanks dd for your sentiments!

would just like to say, op yanbu, I hope when I become a mil I will ease the path of my dc, as I know how hard it is without any help.

First of all I'm sorry you have had a crap week. Hope you are feeling better.

Sounds to me like you have built a good relationship with your MIL and don't take her for granted at all.

But when it comes to wanting her to help WITHOUT you having to ask then I think YABU.

Imagine in the future. You are looking after her, helping out whenever requested. You chat, she mentions she's got a bit of a cold so she's having an early night etc. And then she logs onto grandparentsnet and let's rip cos she's feeling ghastly, on her last legs and you didn't.offer to come round with soup. That would be totally unfair on you cos if she said "I feel dreadful" you'd be there like a shot.

What stops you asking? Sounds like she's not the kind of person to smirk and make you feel a useless mum.

In some families it is seen as a normal part of being a gp to look after gc on a regular basis, and in some families the relationship is more about visiting each other. If you marry into a family with different ideas about this then the inlaws behaviour will seem odd. My grandparents did not babysit for us, neither did my husband's. So we get help from inlaws if we ask, usually emergencies like breaking a leg or a hospital admission, or a special event like a child free wedding or funeral. We all think this is normal. We do visit a lot, though.

Also when it is the son's family the mother in law from that generation will feel less able to get involved from fear of interfering, than if it was the daughter' s family. Old fashioned but true for some.

Does she actually know that you aren't well? If you ring her and tell her you are struggling and would appreciate a bit of help perhaps she might be able to.

I am envious that you do have her around though. My parents are dead and MIL lives 150 miles away so we have no childcare at all.

I think it is alwasy a mistake to compare your life with others because there will always be someone with a better deal than you.

I meant always. Doh!

YAB a bit U. The best piece of advice I was given was not to bring children into the world and expect others to look after them. I think your MIL does enough. If your MIL had made plans to see friends, and you had a very bad cold, would you espect her to drop plans to look after you DC's (just asking BTW)?

My husband and I both lost our mums. My dad lives 5 hours away and babysat once when we went to a wedding 3 years ago but rang us to come home at 9pm. That is the sum total of any 'parental' help in nearly 4 years.
I used to get really bitter and upset when I see my friends getting so much help from their families, so I sympathise with your post.
However, I got over it when I realised I was never going to get help from my Dad and now I just pay, pay, pay if I need a break. It's the only way!

espect should be expect

Even the ones with 'a better deal' you don't know the full story do you?

My dh's cousin is coming to us tonight for curry and they will leave the dcs with the DGPs. You might say 'lucky her'. But, she will drive them to church tommorow morning then pick them up and take them to hers for lunch. Every tuesday she goes after work and cleans their house and drives them to the supermarket. Plus hospital appoitments etc. Thats 'close families'. It is two ways. Not just babysitting and on your terms.

Don't envy others, just pick the phone and ask her if she needs anything or if she fancies going to tesco together and then for a coffee. You will be surprised how much it might mean for her.

Or join sitters.co.uk. . £6 ph.

Quintessential . All the best to you.

She has probably been reading MN and she thinks that she doesn't want to seem an interfering MIL!! She would worry that offering to have more involvement would be seen as interfering! (I think that people should swap grandparents!)

Why not have a chat about it? Maybe she is frightened to volunteer and thinks she has to wait to be asked.

I'll admit I find this interesting. thebird you mention things you'd like her to do for you as well as mentioning that you don't hear from her for weeks. I'm baffled.

First of all, are you or your DH "phone-challenged" and unable to use a telephone? Neither of you call her regularly to check and see how she is doing, just to say hello? Make sure she is alright and well? We speak to my MIL at least 3 times per week, often more, just on the phone, not including visits. She lives about 10-15 minutes drive away from us. Between us, our adult daughter, and our adult son (and our DIL), MIL gets calls from us probably once a day just to chat and say hello and see if she needs anything or wants company or whatever. We didn't call quite this frequently before FIL passed away 2 years ago, but still spoke to her at least twice a week and visited at least once a week before she was on her own.

We also pop over to visit on a regular basis, even if it's just a short visit with the children, so we can spend some time with her and she can see the grandchildren. I pop over sometimes and have a chat and some tea with her, and we always make sure that when the weather is bad or roads are icy that we visit and see if she needs anything picked up so she doesn't have to drive in the rough weather. We also help out with little jobs around the house and invite her to ours for meals or coffee, as well as going out for meals occasionally. When we went to visit DS1 and his family (couple hours away), we invited MIL along as it's a long drive (which she can do, but if we're already going and there's room in the car, why not invite her along to enjoy the trip?) so she could enjoy a big family visit.

We have asked MIL to assist in watching our little ones (we have a 4yo and 1yo still at home) on a rare occasion (emergency hospital appointment and also when I was in labour with our 1yo), but 4yo is SNs and quite a bit to take on, so we're not comfortable leaving both children with her (to be fair, we're not comfortable leaving both children with anyone - they're hard work! ). She's offered, but we don't want her to feel like we're just keeping in touch for babysitting.

But the communication and assistance goes two ways, surely. You seem to expect her to help you out and ring you, but you don't seem (from what you're saying) to be doing the same for her, which is a bit appalling when you consider she is an elderly woman on her own, whereas you are younger and have a partner to help you.