to expect MIL to help me out a little more?

[thebird]

I have 2 DDs 3 and 7. I work PT and DH works long hours and is often away overnight with work and also works some Saturdays. My family live abroad and the nearest family to us is my MIL who lives about 5 miles away. We have always got on really well and as MILs go she is good and a lovely grandma. She usually has the girls in the school holidays while I work PT but I also balance this by working my holidays around this to make sure she is not overburdened. Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask.

There are times when we dont see her for weeks in between school holidays. I often find it hard with no family around and wish she would just offer to help sometimes without me having to ask. The kids have never been to sleep over at her house despite a few hints. She is in good health and doesnt work and I know she adores her grandaughters. I guess I just feel sad cause I know if I my mum lived this close to me I would have lots of help or am i expecting too much?

Forgive me mumsneters for I have sinned. I shall never again expect, wish or ask for any unpaid help of anykind. I shall struggle on regardless and do my utmost to do it all myself or avail of paid childcare as you do. If I fall and ' take advantage' of my MIL or any other family member I will hang my head in shame and shower them with gifts and beg for mercy. Amen

And by the way I feel much better:)

Exactly triggles.

It's very strange to assume that grandparents who have retired and in good health are sitting around doing nothing, just waiting to provide free childcare on tap. As you say, this is the perfect time for them to travel, have friends to stay, take up a hobby, do a degree.... they've probably worked for 40 or so years, as well as raising their own family, so who on earth would feel it's acceptable to expect them to revolve their life around a regular childcare commitment?

Of the fit and active retired people I know, most are actually incredibly busy, with very full lives, including voluntary work, and all sorts of day time classes - precisely because this is the first opportunity they've had the time to do these things! And yes, of course they love their grandchildren, and of course they see them regularly and sometimes do an evenings babysitting or have a day when they take the children out somewhere special - but that's something which is freely given and at a mutually convenient time. Very different to being tied down on a regular basis to providing free care to suit the parents.

OP - I think you're right, you need to use paid childcare for when you work, and separate the relationship your MIL has with your children from the obligation to care for them while you work. I'm sure it will work much better all round for everyone, and you'll probably find she relaxes and is very keen to be involved and hands on - when it's not with strings attached.

If I get to be a grandparent I will be guarding my freedom! Quite happy to help out, babysit etc but not on a regular basis-just for fun.

I think it is a case of familiarity breeding contempt.

Op. My dcs have fucking weeks of holidays. Even if you are working part time, that means your mil has the children a lot. But you do rather gloss over that.

As much as I love my dcs and as much as I care about any children they may have, they would never assume that I will be available every school holiday to provide child care.

When dh retires we intend to travel a lot - you know, do the stuff we put on hold for 20 years because we were bringing up our children.
I am not delaying another 10 to help them bring up theirs.

Sorry, but I think YABU. That said I'm envious of you and everyone else who has family (own/in laws etc) who help out in any way at all; god forbid actual babysitting. Ha. I'm actually in work today - but only because DH is actually home and can babysit.

I hope you're going to treat her big style in 2 weeks for mother's day.

I'd also personally be less inclined to help by babysitting (and still wouldn't do regularly as don't believe it's our responsibility as grandparents) if the only time I got contact from my DIL was when they needed something (such as babysitting). And your comment that you often don't hear from your MIL for weeks between school holidays rather indicates that you really only seem to have time for her when she is doing something for you.

Sorry op of course you have to ask-I always babysit if asked but it wouldn't occur to me to offer beyond saying,'You only have to let me know if you want a babysitter.'