to expect MIL to help me out a little more?

[thebird]

I have 2 DDs 3 and 7. I work PT and DH works long hours and is often away overnight with work and also works some Saturdays. My family live abroad and the nearest family to us is my MIL who lives about 5 miles away. We have always got on really well and as MILs go she is good and a lovely grandma. She usually has the girls in the school holidays while I work PT but I also balance this by working my holidays around this to make sure she is not overburdened. Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask.

There are times when we dont see her for weeks in between school holidays. I often find it hard with no family around and wish she would just offer to help sometimes without me having to ask. The kids have never been to sleep over at her house despite a few hints. She is in good health and doesnt work and I know she adores her grandaughters. I guess I just feel sad cause I know if I my mum lived this close to me I would have lots of help or am i expecting too much?

I can understand how you feel, I hear of friends whose parents suggest they have the grandchildren for the weekend so they can have some time alone. I also hear of colleagues who don't pay for any childcare because grandparents/sisters etc have the kids whilst they are at work, and tbh it does make me feel jealous.
I never rely on family regularly for anything , I always have used paid childcare, however I do ask my parents to have my children if they are ill and I can't take time off work because that is when I really need them.
I chose to have kids, they didn't choose to have grandkids so I don't complain, I do however hope that if i have grandchildren that I will offer to have them and give my kids a break.
MLx

and if you have the flu, dope yourself with paracetamol

thats what the rest of us do

But she could dial a pizza herself, couldn't she, StayFrosty?

I don't think you're asking a lot. I'd love to look after grandchildren (if I had them!) It's not like doing a favour for a neighbour, is it?

I do spoil her and take her out for dinner, buy flowers spa treatments etc to thank her for school holiday babysitting and also because i get on well with her.

I'm just feeling rotten this week with DH away and having flu and missing my family around. So ill crawl back under my rock with a lempsip and stop feeling sorry for myself as I do know there are others worse off:(

I can understand but also think you are lucky. I would say that though as I have no help whatsoever from my PIL even though they live 5 mins away, look after their other GCs ALL the time, I have been really ill in recent years with depression and hardly coped and they still wouldn't help.

So ring her up now, tell her how shite you feel, ask her if she would mind having the kids for a couple of nights.. if she hasnt got anything planned she would probably love it!

I think if she is by herself then her having a 3 and a 7 yr old for a couple of nights is asking too much

There ARE others who are worse off.

Whilst under your rock, please consider me. I have no family to help out. Like you we have two children, a 9 and a 5 year old, a husband who works a lot and travel for work, and I have two elderly care needing parents to deal with. My father is 84, paralyzed after a stroke, currently living alone, as my mum, who is 75 and with bone marrow cancer, has been sectioned due to sudden lewy body dementia. They only have me, and I now have to balance my home, my two children, my elderly father who is home alone, my mother who is in an institution..... So, I will swap with you any day!

I am in a similar situation (PILs live close and there is no family on my side).

I think first of all that you need to recognise that your MIL does help out more than most. I could have written your post apart from the helping out in the holidays bit.

Sometimes I think it is hard for parents, especially PIL, to get the balcance right between giving you some space and not interferring and becoming too distant.

Although I have some empathy I do think you are being a bit U. It sounds like she will help if you ask her? Maybe rather than requesting help you could invite her over for Sunday lunch or something so she sees her grandchildren a bit more regularly between the hols.

LaurieFairyCake - what kind of hourly rate was that?! Did you know she was going to charge? I am gobsmacked!

YABU and expecting too much. Why should she? There is a difference to seeing her grandchildren and helping out. She might feel it is expected of her to help out when she has done her child rearing and just wants to see them. Sounds like she does a lot already. Be grateful for the help you do have, many people have none.

You said you don't see her for weeks sometimes-you need to make those cups of tea you invite her for more regular.
I didn't ask my mum to look after mine on her own til they were a lot older-it's hard work on your own (as you well know) and she's not as young as you and has done her bit.

OMG she is already doing a lot for you.

My MIL lives 2 miles away. She and FIL have been retired for a while but are fit enough that they climb mountains as a hobby and are financially comfortable. MIL has babysat twice in 11 years.

She often asks for dd to go over for one day during each of the school hols but then frequently cancels this at the last moment so I can't use her as even 1 day of reliable childcare. DD doesn't particularly enjoy these days so I am cutting it to half days and it is not every holiday - maybe twice a year.

You are most definitely expecting too much and should appreciate MIL for what she does do.

We would all like more help but this doesn't make it reasonable to expect it.

StayFrosty
Thanks for the advice I can see I've touched a MN nerve! I do have to pay for childcare in term time so its not all a free ride for ungrateful people like me.

No, don't! I don't blame you at all for feeling sorry for yourself. Come on here and whinge (so you don't jeopardise your relationship with her!) and ignore all the grumps on here who always trot out the "you shouldn't expect help, blah, blah, blah"

OK, well maybe not 'expect' but I'd be a little hurt in your shoes.

Sure, you can take paracetamol if you're ill. But here's what can happen if with other lovely MILs.

Millennium New Year, chez Clam. DCs 3.5 and 18mo - too young to do anything without constant supervision. DH and moi, both with "real" flu - if house had caught fire, we'd have been hard-pushed to care, let alone get out of bed. Doorbell rang. Kids couldn't reach latch to let in MIL. I staggered down, let her in and passed out on floor.

MIL: gathers up kids, packs a suitcase, realises there are no clean clothes for them, fills binbags with dirty laundry, takes them away for 4 days whilst we recover, visits with soup and satsumas and Anadin Extra at regular intervals.

Did I expect it? Of course not. Did we appreciate it? You bet. I took her on a spa day a few weeks later.

I loved her very much.

yanbu to want more help. Just try asking her, she might be holding back waiting for you to ask so that she doesnt interfere.

And ignore this lot ^^ you always get the 'ive never had a single night out in 325 years' brigade!

you've certainly touched my nerve!

I'm extremely jealous of people in your position and can't see what they complain about, but of course its horses for courses and all that!

"you always get the 'ive never had a single night out in 325 years' brigade!"

fuppy. do you think thats by choice??

I'll add my story to even it up a bit

My parents had dd every wednesday night from when she was 6 months and then thursday daytime so I could work. Also helped out plenty at weekends. Now she's at school but they have dd2 every Thursday all day to save me nursery fees and to see her of course.

Last week dd2 was ill so my parents had her everyday so that I/DH didn't have to take time off work. They're having dd1 and dd2 tomorrow for a couple of hours so dh and i can go shopping on our own. The weekend after next they're having both all day sat and over night so we can go to a wedding.

My MIL has them all the time and would have them more if I let her.

This isn't uncommon at all amongst my circle of friends.

P.S.
Forgot to mention that darling MIL brought back all the laundry, washed and ironed.

SSD - no of course not, but that's no reason to harrangue the op because she would like more help, wouldn't everyone like more help? Calling her spoilt etc isn't very nice.

IF PIL do not help you out there is a big upside to this which is that you don't need to be bothered with them if they need help later on - your conscience can be clear