to expect MIL to help me out a little more?

[thebird]

I have 2 DDs 3 and 7. I work PT and DH works long hours and is often away overnight with work and also works some Saturdays. My family live abroad and the nearest family to us is my MIL who lives about 5 miles away. We have always got on really well and as MILs go she is good and a lovely grandma. She usually has the girls in the school holidays while I work PT but I also balance this by working my holidays around this to make sure she is not overburdened. Because she helps out in the holidays we dont ask her to babsit much only on birthdays or the very rare night out but we always have to ask.

There are times when we dont see her for weeks in between school holidays. I often find it hard with no family around and wish she would just offer to help sometimes without me having to ask. The kids have never been to sleep over at her house despite a few hints. She is in good health and doesnt work and I know she adores her grandaughters. I guess I just feel sad cause I know if I my mum lived this close to me I would have lots of help or am i expecting too much?

And we're in a relatively similar situation in that my family lives abroad as well. I don't waste time speculating about whether or not DH's mum helps more or less than my mum would. It's pointless. They have two completely different lives and different needs of their own to take care of.

OP... Maybe she just doesn't realise from your hints that her GDs would like a sleepover. I think you need to be clear about what you mean - is it a treat for your girls or childcare to help you out?

To be honest, if it's the former, I expect you would be pleasantly surprised that she'd jump at the chance. If it's the latter, well she already does a lot for you childcare-wise and for many, it seems to be the thin end of the wedge with more and more requests, give an inch and all that.

I'm always saddened to read here about some MILs and how rotten they're often purported to be because they don't help. It seems to nearly always transpire that that help is actually childcare, which is unreasonable. GPs should have the pleasure of having their GC visit (and stay over), without feeling as if they're having to provide childcare, by stealth.

Ask your MIL, OP, but do it in the right way - that it's a treat for your DCs (if it is). If she agrees, then make sure that your MIL knows she has free rein to choose the days and activities.

YABU

'I am just comparing with friends who are always swanning around at weekends child free due to the help of parents/ family and a maybe a feeling sorry for myself that I dont enjoy the luxury.'

We know some people who swan around at weekends due to the help of family and we consider them massively selfish due to the expectations they put upon said family.

When you have children the expectation should be that you look after them yourself for the vast majority of the time (not talking about daytime childcare obviously!) and that help from others should be the occasional luxury. If you happen to have family who are desperate to spend time with your children then you are very lucky, but there shouldn't be an expectation that they will take them off your hands whenever you feel like it - your wishes shouldn't trump theirs.

Sorry but another YABU from me. I have no family now, PIL about 4 miles away and VERY occasionaly help out when I ask but I don't usually. We see them every week as a family, they're not my babysitters.

DH works long hours, I work 9 - 3 every day and I really can't see where the luxury is in not spending your weekends with your children? I want to spend my weekends with them, whyever would you not?

yanbu to want this- i can relate to what you are saying- even though you do have more help than others such as me.

when my older kids were little, i worked full time and was surrounded by people who had mums and dads that would collect kids from school/ sisters and aunties that looked after kids for free.

i had elderly PIL and working parents and paid for every single minute of childcare.

however, for heavens sake- why dont you just ask if the girls could come for a sleep over. she would probably love it-there could be many reasons for not suggesting it.

Yabvu. You mil already does a lot - providing childcare through some of the holidays. Maybe she seems to 'hold back ' a little precisely because she is already providing regular care, to enable you to work, and shes genuinely anxious that this could escalate, eg what if you increased your working hours- would you then expect her to up her childcare 'duty'?
Tbh I think this is one of the real problems with grandparents providing childcare as a routine thing- in some ways, it detracts from the joy of a 'no strings attached' relationship. Im sure she does love your children dearly, just as if I become a grandparent I'm sure I'll feel like that: however, you shouldn't try to 'quantify' that love in terms of hours of babysitting duties. I bet I will adore seeing my grandchildren; however, i hope I also retain a life of my own and don't feel obliged to provide childcare simply to suit the parents. Let her enjoy a 'no strings' relationship to her grandchildren

Exactly, Laquitar, people talk about 'extended families' as if it's all about the GPs provided free, on tap childcare.

But anyone with real experience of them knows it means the younger people also do a lot for the GPs without being asked, hints, etc.

There's not a lot of 'swanning around' at all.

Yep. Extended families have many advantages and pluses and fun but also obligations and duties and arguments. You either take the whole package or be totally independent. There is no 'free meal', you take and you give.

YAB a bit U to 'expect' more help. I get tons of help from my family but certainly don't expect it, and I do loads to help them out as well.

I don't think YABU. Maybe it is a cultural thing but in my culture, grandparents help children and children help grandparents. I understand that people on here are jealous that you already have some help and would like more help themselves. Fair enough. But for those people on here who have parents and inlaws who do nothing at all to help them (when they are in perfect health), then I find that weird and selfish on the part of their families.

In my family, and the families of everyone I know, the grandparents love spending time with their grandchildren and want to look after them as much as possible. In fact, much more than we let them as we don't want to take too much advantage.

If grandparents are in great health, don't work and their children are finding things difficult, then I don't understand why they wouldn't want to help. I hope that if I am fit and healthy when my DD has children and she needs help, then I will give it to her.

Your assumption of jealousy is odd. I don't think its about jealousy at all, it's about respect. If you respect the fact that other people have their own life, and you respect their right to forge relationships based on love, and goodwill, rather than on 'obligations' and 'duty', then you'd see why the overwhelming majority on here believe the OP is being unreasonable.

Again, I find this attempt to measure love and interest in the grandchildren with hours of babysitting /childcare, rather distasteful, as the subtext seems to be 'if you don't provide childcare on tap, then you clearly don't love your grandchildren enough'.

Surely the real joy of a grand parent/grandchild relationship is precisely that it isn't weighed down with duty and responsibility. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents precisely because going to visit them was special, and different. If they'd been having to pick me up from school each week, or provide free childcare to suit my parents, then perhaps it wouldn't have felt quite so special.

Remember: grandparents have raised their children - they're not slackers who have it easy and don't know the harsh reality of parenting. They've done it, and should be allowed to enjoy their grandchildren without strings attached.

Well put, Violethill.

I hope I am around and healthy enough to help - although the reality is I will have to work till I drop.

After I read your OP, I knew exactly how the replies were going to go.

I am going against the grain and say YANBU.

My MIL does far less than yours. She has DS for the very occasional afternoon when she wants to see him, never to help out me and DH even though things are pretty tough at times. We have just had DD and even then she didn't offer to make herself a cup of sodding tea when she visited the once, she waited for DH to do it even though he was doing everything because I had a CS and I am still recovering now. My nan has been doing our washing for us and brought us meals. My friends have been fab with their offers but MIL hasn't even offered to have DS for an hour whilst I go to the doctors or anything like that.

I am used to the way my nan is (who brought me up) and even though she isn't in great health and in her 70's, there is nothing she won't do and they have DS occasionally at night. MIL is in fine health, a lot younger but I learnt pretty early on that she isn't helpful. She made us a beautiful engagement party cake. It was amazing. We asked if she would do our wedding cake as it was so nice and she just said "no, its too much work". We don't ask her for anything.

Its absolutely true that help from gps is not usually a one way street - so the help generally doesn't come without obligation in return - although obligation is not the right term because if your parents help you out of love then you want to help them back out of love.

I used to get lots of help from my parents - I do a lot for them too and expect to be there for them in the future if they need me.

As for the PIL, they have done almost nothing to help me despite living just 2 miles away, being very fit, healthy, retired and comfortably off. I feel absolutely zero obligation to help them out in the future.

Don't feel jealous of other people if your parents don't help you - they're not generally getting a free ride even if it looks that way from the outside.

Dont think YABU at all.And to all the posters on here who say that you should be fully responsible for your own childcare-do none of you use nurserys/cm etc[hmm}?.
No perhaps you shouldnt expect your mil to help out but it would be nice if she offered.To me thats entirely part of the role of grandparents.
I have inlaws who go on and on about how much they love gcs but babysit twice a year-max. They have never offered me any help(even after 2 cs and knowing my dh works long hours) but still feel they are able to make snidey comments about the fact I am sahm(and before I get flamed for that I am firmly of the belief that sahm/d are also entitled to a bit of time off-so there!).
I am now glad they are not that involved in our lives as hell will freeze over before either of them comes to live with me when they are old/infirm.

"And to all the posters on here who say that you should be fully responsible for your own childcare-do none of you use nurserys/cm etc[hmm}?."

If you use a cm or nursery, you are being fully responsible for your childcare - you are organising it, and paying for it. Very different to expecting someone to provide it for free, or at a very subsidised rate, to enable you to earn! Regular childcare is a huge commitment, and quite different to occasional babysitting for social events, because it restricts what the carer can do. You can't just take off on a day trip, or holiday, or a million other things, if you have to be available to provide care. I am genuinely surprised that anyone can think it's reasonable to expect this type of involvement from gps. They have done the job of raising their own children, and should be allowed to enjoy their grandchildren without having to take on unpaid parental responsibility!

totally agree but i hope i am ableto do more as a gp who had my last dc at just before 40 than either my mum or mil were prepared to do when they had their last dcs at 23 and 28 were prepared to do.

I would love to help out with my grandchildren should I be fortunate enough to have any in the future

Me too, I would love to help out - but theres a big difference between support freely given out of love and care, and being expected to provide regular unpaid childcare to enable the parents to earn

I never meant that you should expect the grandparents to do everything. I was implying that decent grandparents actually want to help their children out with childcare and love spending the time with their grandchildren. Surely a win win situation for all. The grandparents have fun with their grandchildren and build a fantastic relationship with them, the parents get help with childcare (if that is an option) or help when they are struggling/need a rest.

My in-laws were determined to do one day childcare a week for my DD when I went back to work. They wanted to spend lots of time with her and also wanted to help us not spend so much money on nursery. We are extremely grateful as it has saved us a fortune. We never asked for it or suggested it. DD has built a fantastic relationship with them.
Unfortunately, my parents are in too poor health to look after DD but we still make sure they see her at least once a week.

I wouldn't necessarily say that "decent grandparents actually want to help their children out with childcare" as I find that a bit off. We have 2 older children (26 & 24yo) that have children, and then we have two younger children (4yo and 1yo). Our DS1 lives a couple hours away, so obviously providing childcare is not an option for us. Our DD lives very close by, but while she knows we would be there for an emergency for childcare, we expect her to take care of her own childcare for her DS (our DGS). We see DGS practically every day, as he goes to the same school as our DS2, and we have a close relationship with them both. But while we did help out DD with childcare when her DS was a baby as she lived with us, now that she's out on her own, it's her responsibility. She has no problem with this and likes the independence.

Personally, we don't want to be in a position that we're caring for our DGCs regularly. We'd prefer to have them visit and do fun things and such. Not to mention then there are no disagreements in childcare issues or anything like that. Just makes things sooo much nicer for all of us. DH is still working and the last thing we would want is to be tied down on all his days off (as we were when we were caring for DGS when he was a baby). It's not fair to us and it's not fair to our other two children still at home.

We're not here to provide free or cheap childcare for our children, and we certainly don't (and didn't) expect our own parents to do that for us. There are always exceptional circumstances, however, I think it's unreasonable to expect the grandparents to be their children's beck and call for childcare when they've earned some time to themselves after raising their own children.

Triggles, you have two young children of your own and I am assuming that either you or your partner work? it is an entirely different situation from grandparents who are both retired and both in perfect health.

I meant to add -with no other commitments.

Yes, but these "retired" grandparents in perfect health would then be at the perfect time to travel and enjoy life a bit before they are too old or their health affects their ability to travel much. I would feel horrible infringing on the few years they may have to really get out and enjoy life after putting in all those years raising their children and working. My obligation to them at that point is to be an adult and work out my own childcare arrangements and allow them to enjoy themselves for a change.Just because they are retired doesn't mean they aren't entitled to a life of their own.