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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want a 'title'

437 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 14/03/2011 12:51

I'm married but hate it on forms or anything really (especially professionally) where I have to state a title. I don't like the way I'm judged and perceived when I say Mrs (misogynistic industry and I'm quite young) but I'm not a Miss and again feel judged and decide upon when I put Ms.

Does anyone else get like this? Why can't the title field be optional?

Sorry this isn't a more interesting thread than the title suggests - I ought to be contemplating a damehood really!

OP posts:

freshmint · 14/03/2011 21:51

stupidity mssoui

but there are lots of men in revolting shiny suits that haven't been dry-cleaned in a decade and short sleeved shirts with pit stains so it all evens out in the end

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:53

I would not care so long as they gave me the business......

I would like to be a Duchess...aint gonna happen..

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:54

I do find it really sad that being a Mrs is still regarded as an achievement that needs to be announced when someone is introducing herself.

So yes, Mumcentreplus, when previously independent friends of mine have adopted this title, I have felt disappointed. To me, it's the principle of equality that has made me use a neutral title since a young age. Why should my 2 brothers not have to announce their marital status when introducing themselves or filling out a form yet convention dictates that I should?

I do think it's telling that some women say that they feel they get more respect as a Mrs.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:55

I dunno..seems weird to judge a friend based on their title..@Could...

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:55

I think you have issues with not being a single woman Couldneverhave! And perhaps you could not make things personal by discussing me with another poster?

As I have said before, I adopted this title at the age of about 12/13 before the idea of getting married was something that I'd ever thought about.

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:57

And married or not, I would still use the title Ms.

ThisIsANiceCage · 14/03/2011 21:58

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:59

Is it really an achievement or more of a statement?...I don't know...they are entitled to call themselves what they will..and as a friend why would I judge them for it?..it's their choice not yours...are they forcing you to call yourself Ms/Mrs..if not I understand why they deserve less respect

ThisIsANiceCage · 14/03/2011 22:01

(Jessin, that's not a pop at you - just that judgeyness has broken out in full force now. And is exactly what the OP was complaining about.)

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 22:02

So the people who choose to call themselves Ms are deemed to be militant feminists (as if that's a bad thing) and are looked down upon as having issues with not being married....

But I am not allowed to be disappointed that previously independent friends have chosen to use a term that is deemed to be outdated in several other European countries?

The way it's being discussed on here - the term 'Mrs' that is - is couched in terms of being 'proud', of feeling that you get more respect.

So yes, it seems to be seen as an achievement to be proud of that needs to be announced by some women.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 22:02

I'm all titles..dependant upon what suits my needs at the time...

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 22:03

Thanks ThisIsANiceCage - appreciate the clarification!

ViolaTricolor · 14/03/2011 22:04

I was just having that thought too, ThisIsANiceCage. It was only a matter of time.

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 22:06

I agree that titles are outdated.

But you never hear men discussing this issue when it comes to their titles.

Funny that!

ViolaTricolor · 14/03/2011 22:06

Being happy that you get more respect for being 'Mrs' is one side of a coin, of which the other is that your friend who isn't married and uses 'Miss' gets less respect. Who would want to perpetuate that? Who would want respect from someone who thinks you deserve it more than a woman who doesn't have a husband? I can't see the appeal of that kind of respect.

megapixels · 14/03/2011 22:10

I don't particularly like Miss and Mrs too, simply because I don't think it's necessary for a woman to have to declare her marital status with her title. So I use Ms. where possible. I don't make any judgements on people whatever title they use though.

But I am quite shocked at someone saying that marriage was their biggest achievement!

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 22:15

I have been a Ms more than any other title...but I don't see myself as a militant it's easier tbh...thats just a sad and imo male perspective..I have been a Miss and that got me the most credit cards ...I have been a Mrs and that made me proud and yet I feel it just one part of me as a woman..I don't feel the need to pretend I'm not married because some other woman might not respect me..Ha!

ThisIsANiceCage · 14/03/2011 22:17

But how would calling yourself Ms be pretending you're not married?

randommoment · 14/03/2011 22:18

I know three men, as friends, who are entitled to call themselves either Lord xxx or Sir xxx xxx - all of them prefer not to use their titles, and so do their wives. Although one did say a while ago that it still came in handy when booking tables etc.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 22:29

to me Ms means 'mind your fuckin business'

ZillionChocolate · 14/03/2011 22:37

I don't like the sound of Mizzzz and am aware of the negative interpretations. I'm quite tempted to offer my old (girls) school some incentive to get all the girls using Ms as standard.

I am married but continue to be Miss Myfathersname. As my mother has been Mrs Myfathersname all the time I've known her I don't see it as chosing my father's name, it's the name my parents gave me.

I do think titles are useful in order to be polite. I am irritated at having to ring/email/write to people with non gender specific names where I have to use their name, rather than Mr/Ms X which I'd prefer.

lilyberry · 14/03/2011 23:57

I sway back and forth over what I'd like to do. I dislike using people's titles, since I find it a bit of a minefield trying to decide what someone's favoured way of being addressed is. When I address post to family I simply use their first names or first initial.

My Mum, after divorce, was still 'Mrs MyDad' until she married my stepdad and became 'Mrs Stepdad'. Then again, she is a primary school teacher, so she had spent twenty years being called 'Mrs MyDad' every day of her working life; it would have been very odd to change after that.

I currently use Ms because I am a militant lefty feminist, and I'm not in a situation where I'm going to be negatively affected by announcing myself as such.

Triggles · 15/03/2011 00:38

I'm slightly disappointed. I thought upon looking at this, the OP might be referring to an actual title - you know, like "Duchess of.." or something. Not ho-hum old Mrs or Ms.

bumpybecky · 15/03/2011 00:43

read the thread again Triggles, the OP is really an Admiral

beautyspot · 15/03/2011 02:14

There are a group of people who tend to sign off letters/communication with only an initial and surname. Men of course.

How bloody arrogant and presumptious lots of civil servants are (I have to correspond with UK government bodies). I love replying to their letters with the salutation " Dear Mr or Ms (VeryImportantAsshole)"

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