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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a 'title'

437 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 14/03/2011 12:51

I'm married but hate it on forms or anything really (especially professionally) where I have to state a title. I don't like the way I'm judged and perceived when I say Mrs (misogynistic industry and I'm quite young) but I'm not a Miss and again feel judged and decide upon when I put Ms.

Does anyone else get like this? Why can't the title field be optional?

Sorry this isn't a more interesting thread than the title suggests - I ought to be contemplating a damehood really!

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/03/2011 20:10

I had to book hotel rooms once for some Finnish people called Matti and Pekka, they thought it was hilarious when they saw I'd booked 'em both in as Mrs when in fact they were male Grin

Anyway, I use Ms, always have, always will. Even though I wear a wedding ring so no prizes for guessing my marital status.

saralyn, now I think about it I've never heard anyone in Sweden referred to by title either. In fact I don't even know what they are! And likewise at my work we are too informal to refer to anyone except by first name. I can see the UK going the same way eventually (abandoning titles) although I don't anticipate the Queen announcing "just call me Liz".

didymosity · 14/03/2011 20:11

frgr i love you! an important point well made.

DP and I (not married) changed our surnames to the same (new invented one) as a sign of our commitment to one another. I was Ms for years but now Dr. We are now Dr and Mr Newinventedname.

I absolutely hate the Miss/Mrs thing, also can't stand women taking their partner's name upon marriage, and can't understand why so many children are automatically given their father's name when it is different to their mum's. Why should the mum not get to pass on her name?

kattyo · 14/03/2011 20:12

Pekkala: same thing happened to me with currys. the bloke i spoke to said he had had a lot of complaints about it.. and he'd forward mine on. obvioulsy didn't sound that bothered.

theanimalswentintwobytow: um...no.

Here's wiki on ms:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ms.
Particularly like the observation by emily post institute that 'ms' is the default form of address for women... in the US.

tribpot · 14/03/2011 20:15

Oh can I tell my made-up-name story again? (I know I've done this before on MN). A friend of mine did a similar thing to you, didy. When she married they took the first two letters of her name, first two letters of his and then added 'us' to signify union.

If DH and I had done that we would have ended up being called Pinuus. Oddly not tempting Grin

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 20:40

I have used 'Ms' since I was about 12 and found out that boys/men had no equivalent to 'Miss' when they were older. I had always thought that the 'Ms' was the default neutral term.

I can't see why a woman's marital status should be announced in her title if a man's isn't. It also sounds slightly smug to me whenever a woman says she likes being a 'Mrs'. To me, that signifies membership of the 'I've bagged a man' club. Why is it relevant now that women have the vote, are citizens in their own right etc etc?

I thought that France/Germany were way ahead of us here as they use Madame/Frau for all adult women, whether married or not.

TillyP · 14/03/2011 20:49

Saralyn what do kids call their teachers in Norway if there are no titles? Do they use their first names?

How did the titles fall out of favour? Perhaps if we all stop using them the same will happen in the UK.

Although I would prefer no title, I am quite happy to follow convention and be Mrs (DH's name) though I sometimes feel odd that I have the same name as my mother-in-law!Grin

superfrenchie1 · 14/03/2011 20:53

another Ms here, and proud of it!

when growing up / at school we used to think Ms meant you were gay (!), whereas Miss or Mrs obviously meant you were respectively straight+available or straight+married.

anyway it's an interesting idea that no-one can tell your gender by your name / title. it's true of Doctors and some folk - Gareth Pierce the lawyer springs to mind.

i agree with those who said why should it matter whether you are married or not...

(FWIW i'm not married and would never take a man's name)

Invisiblesoul · 14/03/2011 21:02

I'm proud to be a mrs. I have a successful career (granted in a "female" industry) and all ways call myself mrs. I was married at 21 (4years ago) and class our marriage as my biggest achievement and am very proud of how we try (and sometimes it is trying) to make it better for the both us. I want people to know I made that commitment and I don't give a toss if they judge, I doubt very much many people do. IMO (dons hard hat) people who are ms. Are odd. I don't understand why you don't wanna disclose your status? It's just being difficult? It's a huge part of who you are if your married or single and I reckon most men would rather the choice than all being called mr.

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:12

It's called equality, Invisiblesoul. You may have heard of it?

MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 21:23

This inequality never occurred to me Blush until I read a thread on here a good few years ago about it and since then have always used Ms, if that's not available I pick something that sounds more exciting

CouldNeverHave3 · 14/03/2011 21:31

I love being a Mrs esp when people assume I'm a Miss (for some odd reason, but it happens a lot!). Feel I'm treated with more respect and I'm proud to be married and use my husband's name.

Ms IME are burn your bra types or spinsters who don't want people to know!!

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:31

AIBU to not give a shit about such a lame topic...

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:33

Why do you feel you're treated with more respect as a married woman, CouldNeverHave?

Do you think it's correct that married women should be treated with more respect?

CouldNeverHave3 · 14/03/2011 21:38

Of course I don't think that a Miss should have less respect!! I was a Miss for 29yrs!!!!

I have just felt on several occasions being taken more seriously when I say I am a Mrs...rightly or wrongly, but it was how I felt.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:40

Everyone should be treated with respect...but being married?.. why not get a little more respect it's extra hard!

TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2011 21:40

I use Ms Marriedname. Only Ms in my school. Always get called Miss of course Grin. I'm also Dr, but never use it as it has no relevance to either my work or my home life. And I would feel like I was swanking if I used it, as it has no relevance to anyone else either.

JessinAvalon · 14/03/2011 21:44

That implies that a woman should get more respect or you felt that you were getting more respect because you were married.

So do you like being called Mrs because you feel that you get taken more seriously? I wonder why this is. Do you think that society takes married women more seriously?

I have lost respect for friends who have called themselves Mrs. It's as if they feel the need to tell the world that they've bagged a man. He, of course, doesn't announce that he's bagged a woman when he introduces himself.

CouldNeverHave3 · 14/03/2011 21:45

I;m teacher too and the MISS thing grates on me! I am scottish and back home we always called teachers by coreect Miss/Mrs + surname.

Why in England is it MISSSSSSS!?

TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2011 21:46

Because it's shorter. Miss and Sir. I don't mind it. And it's useful when I can't remember the name of a TA Blush

CouldNeverHave3 · 14/03/2011 21:47

JessinAvalon - you have your opinion. I have mine.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2011 21:48

I have lost respect for friends who have called themselves Mrs...

really?..wow everyone who does not want to live their life like you deserves less respect Jess

Mssoul · 14/03/2011 21:50

Another Ms here.

Oh, and something that really pisses me off is that men only ever have to don a suit and some women approach work wardrobe as though they are going to a bloody garden party. I work in pub sector in head office and there are honestly women there who look like they are going to a wedding. So OTT, especially considering where they work. Is this an expectation or their stupidity?

freshmint · 14/03/2011 21:50

Lots of people use Ms because they maintain their maiden name but they are married.
Sounds funny being Miss Mint if you are in fact married to Mr Fresh and have been for 20 years. Similarly you can't really be Mrs Mint because you aren't married to Mr Mint. So Ms fits the bill.

V common in professions (lawyers, architects, whatever)

Personally, I'm aiming for Dame. Dame Mint. I shall wear a bonnet and a hooped skirt and have a hairy mole on my nose

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/03/2011 21:50

If I felt that anyone I was doing business with was according me more respect because they found out I was a Mrs rather than a Miss they would very shortly find they were no longer getting my business. However as a Ms they don't get that opportunity.

CouldNeverHave3 · 14/03/2011 21:51

Was thinking the same Mumcentre - how harsh is that? I'm assuming JessAvalon has issues being a Miss perhaps and this is touching a nerve? Maybe I'm wrong?