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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a 'title'

437 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 14/03/2011 12:51

I'm married but hate it on forms or anything really (especially professionally) where I have to state a title. I don't like the way I'm judged and perceived when I say Mrs (misogynistic industry and I'm quite young) but I'm not a Miss and again feel judged and decide upon when I put Ms.

Does anyone else get like this? Why can't the title field be optional?

Sorry this isn't a more interesting thread than the title suggests - I ought to be contemplating a damehood really!

OP posts:
sorchaocleirigh · 15/03/2011 13:28

I kept my name because it never occurred to me to change it and I've always used Ms. I don't mind, however, being referred to by my married name. It does have a nice ring to it but it just doesn't feel like me.

What I DO mind, however, is being referred to as Mr & Mrs John Smith, which is how I've been addressed on Christmas cards from older relatives and wedding invitations. I really don't like being totally subsumed into his name like that! :)

gabid · 15/03/2011 14:00

I have swaped and changed titles quite a lot as it really annoyes me every time I am asked for a title - I feel as if I was asked a personal question about my private live. I am not married but have lived with DP for many years with 2 DC. As a teacher I always use Mrs as I don't appreciate personal questions from kids as soon as they see Ms, it has happened a few times.

In Germany Miss has long been phased out (I believe) and every female is just Mrs (Frau).

gabid · 15/03/2011 14:02

Dr doesn't tell you what gender someone is. Unfortunately I am not a Dr.!

Prunnhilda · 15/03/2011 14:07

I kept my name because I am who I am, I have a name - why change? At the time I worked with people from many cultures and namechanging by a woman is by no means the norm, and nor is giving a child the man's surname. I see no link between the value of my marriage to myself, or to anyone else, and our names. I kind of think anything goes - it simply doesn't matter. If you want the same name, do it. If you don't, don't.

I am regularly perplexed by the importance people attach to a surname. I don't judge anyone's marriage on the fact that they all have the same name. I've heard people say 'we are a unit now' - ok. We are too, as unified as can be, and I like it, but changing my name to dh's isn't going to improve that any.

LadyOfTheManor · 15/03/2011 14:18

I got married and am therefore Mrs, that's fine, before I was married I was Miss, that's fine too.

Use Ms if you don't want to be "identified" through your marital status. I don't honestly think people care.

I like the fact people can see I'm married. I'm sad and pathetic like that.

prettybird · 15/03/2011 14:46

Nowadays you can't assume that your surname is your father's name anyway Grin

valiumredhead · 15/03/2011 14:48

I remember dh being horrified I wasn't changing my name to his when we got married. I suggested him changing his name to mine. That shut him up Grin

moomin156 · 15/03/2011 14:51

I havent read all the posts but i just wanted to say i love being a Mrs......i am proud to married, wear a wedding ring and take my husbands name.
It hasnt changed the way i am perceived at work or in my personal life

gabid · 15/03/2011 14:52

I think it would be appropriate to have one title for a women as there is for men. All this fuss about being married or not, or divorced is nobody's business but your own. Why do you need to broadcast it to strangers, they don't care anyway.

valiumredhead · 15/03/2011 14:55

I just don't get the 'being proud to take your husband's name' thing - proud of what? It's an alien concept to me, I expect in the same way that me using 'Ms' is.

valiumredhead · 15/03/2011 14:55

to other people!

prettybird · 15/03/2011 14:58

... sorry, posted too soon Blush.

Meant to elaborate to say that with single mothers/divorcees etc, children often have their mother's name.

Prunnhilda · 15/03/2011 15:24

Do you mean proud, or do you mean happy?
Happy, I understand. Proud, I don't. Surely we're proud of things which have taken a lot of work, maybe overcoming difficulty or insecurity? I do think marriage is a happy event, though.

prettybird · 15/03/2011 16:43

Re teachers, ds at his (scottish) primary school calls all teachers "Miss" - even those that got married during the summer holidays and came back with a different surname Confused

If you listen very carefully, there might be an extra emphasis on the "ss" bit of "Miss" for those teachers that should (choose to be) be called "Mrs" which is the remnants of the missing "...iss" of the full "Mississ" pronounciation.

BringBackGoingForGold · 15/03/2011 16:44

I always choose Ms if it's available because it IS unfair that Miss and Mrs reveal marital status when Mr doesn't. But I cringe inwardly at putting/saying 'Ms' because I feel that it still has associations with 'humourless feminists'. Illogical really, seeing as if anyone accused me of being a humourless feminist I'd be more than happy to list for them all the reasons feminists have to be unhappy ... Really I'd rather have no title at all.

Prunnhilda, I always long to choose 'Rev' or 'Rear Admiral' or 'Wing Commander' but am too timid and have always imagined that it will invalidate my application or otherwise bugger things up. From this point on I don't care and will use these titles with abandon!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/03/2011 16:44

You should see the drop down title menu for Harrod's online competitions - they had 'Your Royal Highness' as an option for goodness sakes - I'm sure the Queen prefers bingo to comping anyway Wink

BringBackGoingForGold · 15/03/2011 16:45

Did you select that? Grin

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/03/2011 16:48

Well that's what my OH calls me Grin

prettybird · 15/03/2011 16:50

BringBackGoingForGold: you reminded me that when I started using Ms (when I went to Uni and started having to fill in forms for myself) the fact that I wasn't a bra-burning feminist was one of the reasons that I chose to use the term - and was the same reason that I chose to describe myself as a feminist.

Being a feminist does not mean that you need to stop being feminine - or that you need to hate men Hmm - as some people seemed to think, especially back then (late 70s).

thomasbodley · 15/03/2011 16:55

Why the fuck are you "proud to be married"?

ANY shit for brains can be married.

frgr · 15/03/2011 16:58

"proud"?

it's an achievement now?

gabid · 15/03/2011 17:01

prettybird - oh yes, in school students call teachers Miss, but if they use my name they also use my title.

When I write my name on the board I wouldn't call myself Miss X, I would use my title. I used to put Ms X and in secondary some students started asking personal questions on day one, I didn't like that. This has never happened since I put Mrs! So yes they (and I believe adults too) are making assumptions, its just that kids are more open about asking questions.

BringBackGoingForGold · 15/03/2011 17:15

Grin at ecumenical

thomasbodley · 15/03/2011 17:45

I've always fancied 'First Sea Lord' as a title. I also like 'Dame', with its connotations of being a national treasure and also a bit luvvie.

prettybird · 15/03/2011 18:09

I wasn't clear enough: as well as just calling the teacher "Miss" on its own in class, they will call all the teachers "Miss"

So for example, Miss Brown before the holisays becomes Miss Black after the holidays, even if she thinks she's changed her name to Mrs Black Confused

If they are making an effort, they will say Mrs Black - but Miss is their defualt for all their teachers, no matter their "status".

This is at primary school; at secondary school I think they are more accurate in their nomenclature. I wuuld hope I've brought ds up to be more open minded (he knows I am a Ms) so when he does go to secondary school, he won't make any inappropriate assumptions.