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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down a scholarship for DC1

102 replies

7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:28

DC1 is in a state school but has just been offered a scholarship to an excellent prep school. DC2 and the subsequent ones will go through the state system. We would have educated privately (we went all the way through) but have 4 DCs and it's just not possible. DC1 would thrive in the environment, it's an excellent school academically, and obviously there are all the facilities and extras that he would be exposed to.

However, I can't help thinking that if we can't offer that sort of education for all of them, we shouldn't give it to just one of them - it would be so devisive amongst the siblings and expose DC1 to a completely different social milieu.

So, AIBU to turn it down? Or do we have a duty to give him the chance to fulfil his academic potential, even though we think that he would do so through the (very good) state school.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/03/2011 09:30

If you think he would be OK in the state school, I would probably go for that option. OTOH, is there any chance at all that the other children could get the same scholarship?

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 14/03/2011 09:32

YANBU, for all the reasons you have listed imo.

withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:32

no yanbu

SenoritaViva · 14/03/2011 09:33

Tricky situation, I can totally understand where you are coming from.

However, you are not paying for DC1's education and not the others, he 'won' the place through his own ability. I would not turn it down but allow him the opportunity and make sure I manage it well with the others. Naturally if he doesn't get a scholarship to a secondary school he will be back in the state system? If one of your children was really talented at sport and offered a place (for example) at a football academy would you restrict them because the others weren't talented? I know there is stigma on the private/state and so people may judge. You have to be prepared and if you aren't then I guess turn it down but I think that would be a shame for DC1.

ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 09:35

why did you apply for a scholarship if you were not going to take it?

I think it would be unfair on ds now that he has won it not to let him benefit from it

withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:36

if you take it then he will always be " the winner " and siblings " the losers"

NB T HIS THREAD WILL GO BALLISTIC BY LUNCHTIME

squeakytoy · 14/03/2011 09:38

Is this a full scholarship, that he has been offered because of his abilities.

Does HE want to go to that school?

All of your children will be individuals, you say he would thrive in that environment so surely he should get that opportunity if he has earned it by his own merit.

The other three may not have the same academic ability to get them there by a scholarship but could excel in other areas.

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:40

Withagoat - I'm not trying to be contraversial; it's a really hard decision.

ZZZenAgain - we thought that we should at least give him a shot at it, but now that he's been offered something we are having to seriously consider the implications; to be honest, we probably should have thought it through more beforehand, but it was a fairly last minute decision (hence my username!)

OP posts:
withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:40

no iw ant accusing you of beign contraverisal
its only YOU who know your family though

meditrina · 14/03/2011 09:40

Firstly, congratulations! DC1 has done really well.

Might it help make the decision now to rewind a bit to when you entered him into the scholarship process? What were the key factors in trying for this school? Has there been a change in your circumstances since then that mean your previous assumptions no longer work - and if so, is this likely to be a permanent change?

Also, does the school offer bursaries as well as scholarships? Obviously you can't count on securing one for later DCs, but having that as a possibility for the future might be a factor.

withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:40

do you not have any idealogical misgivings about private schooling?>

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:41

We haven't asked him yet - we just told him he was doing some 'quizzes' and so he had no idea of the consequences of them. It's not a full scholarship, but it's enough that we could send him.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 09:42

no I see that , didn't mean it in a nasty way- Just that ds has had to go there and perform in some way (presumably) which is always a bit stressful and therefore knows he was applying for something and now he has been successful, he is not to have it. To me seems unfair on him

ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 09:42

sorry crossed posts

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 14/03/2011 09:43

I agree with ZZZ - surely you had to apply for a scholarship and therefore knew there was a chance he'd get it.

It's a difficult one but if he's been offered it because of his abilities in a certain field then surely you have to encourage that?

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:43

Well no, we didn't put any pressure on him at all, and didn't tell him what they were for - he just thought he was doing some 'quizzes' that they'd asked clever children from some local schools to do. Grin. So, as far as he's concerned, it's over and we told him that he did well.

OP posts:
withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:44

i potentially face same issue with one of mine and sport.
i DONT approve of private schooling but might have to grin and bear for him to achieve his aim.
cerntainly wouldnt go till he was 16

Hullygully · 14/03/2011 09:44

I wouldn't. Not if you want the sibs to love each other and get along throughout life.

E320 · 14/03/2011 09:45

I agree with SenoritaViva.

Incidentally there is always a lot of talk on here about finding things (such as schools) that are appropriate for the child/child's needs/talents etc. How is sending all 4 DCs to the same school appropriate for all of them (assuming they are not clones)?

I don't see that having 1 child at one school and other children at other schools is in any way disciminatory, if you do not make it so! Perhaps having an older sibling at the school would spur the younger ones on to try for a scholarship as well?

Is it not time to return to the "old-fashioned" idea that different people have different talents and abilities, rather than lumping everyone into the mediocre beige area?

squeakytoy · 14/03/2011 09:45

I know quite a few families where the children go to different schools, and where one of the children is far more academically talented than the others, and it is not a problem between the siblings.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 14/03/2011 09:45

Wow major cross posts there - sorry.

The bursary idea is a good one though.

Hullygully · 14/03/2011 09:46

It's really different - you get so much more at private school (sport art drama etc wise as well as small classes etc). It will cause bitterness because even if he has a partial scholarship, you're still forking out the rest - just for him..

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:46

Honestly, I don't think that we thought he'd get something - there were 20 children there, all looking very academic and able, and it has a very good academic reputation so it was an outside chance really.

I supppose that I think he will do ok in any case - we are in a grammar school area and we'd hope that he'd make it to the grammars here - the prep does 13+ entry so he'd be removed from his (new) peer group, most of whom go on to public schools from there.

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 09:47

I went to a private school (was a means tested place - but I had to audition to get in so was there on merit of my skills) while my brother went to state school. We've never got on - however just about the only thing my brother doesn't hate me for is that fact that I had an education that was right for me.

The only way I think it can be divisive is if you "big it up" so that the other siblings think that their school is some "inferior" to the one that the other one is going to.

What will happen in X years time if one goes off to Cambridge.........but another only gets into the local Polytechnic? Will you stop the Cambridge one going there to avoid sibling upset?

withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:48

think ti very much depends on character of kid though. Mine i knwo would be VERY impressed by others wealth and this would distance him from us. he's the type who always finds a better family to play with on holiday Grin - you know!

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