to turn down a scholarship for DC1

[7pluspanic]

DC1 is in a state school but has just been offered a scholarship to an excellent prep school. DC2 and the subsequent ones will go through the state system. We would have educated privately (we went all the way through) but have 4 DCs and it's just not possible. DC1 would thrive in the environment, it's an excellent school academically, and obviously there are all the facilities and extras that he would be exposed to.

However, I can't help thinking that if we can't offer that sort of education for all of them, we shouldn't give it to just one of them - it would be so devisive amongst the siblings and expose DC1 to a completely different social milieu.

So, AIBU to turn it down? Or do we have a duty to give him the chance to fulfil his academic potential, even though we think that he would do so through the (very good) state school.

You do what's right for the individual child, I have 4 and have no problems dipping in and out of state and private as required for each child. I have who would not cope in the state system and one who will be fine, am not throwing money away just to equal everything up, neither am I leaving one child behind on family holidays because she's had her allocated £7k spent on school instead.

i think it would ber very unfair of you to offer one child something the others couldnt benefit from

Will you put the others forward to apply too? As Senoritaviva said you cannot stop one child doing someting they are good at, just because younger siblings may not be as good?

YABU - life isn't always fair, sometimes we have to accept that others can have things that we (and our families) can't. Your child has been lucky enough to get the chance of something others would envy - that's life. Why on earth would you want to deprive your child of such an opportunity?

Children aren't all the same -= think of it this way, would you, if you could afford to do so, put your other children into this independent school with DC1 for fear of them feeling left out even if they cannot cope with the academic standards? Surely not? Surely you'd remove them into a more suitable school? They don't have to have EXACTLY the same to have fair and loving, considerate treatment.

If it helps, the man in my life went to independent school, also on a scholarship. His father COULD afford to put his three younger siblings through private education but decided not to and instead they went to state school. I know that his brother went to the local comp and believe that his sisters did too.

The two brothers are in their 50s and 40s respectively and adore each other to this day, having a bond and respect for each other the like of which is rarely found.

It doesn't HAVE to be wrong or favourtism, it could well be far more wrong to turn the offer down.

Just read your post about pastoral side of the school - If he is sensitive, the lack of pastoral care would do it for me - I would send him to state school and use the extra cash on the whole family.

Just been on the phone to an ex parent who said it's an outstanding school but the pastoral side is lacking - and the parents are very socially competitive...that they love you and your child if they are performing academically, but perhaps not so much if they aren't living up to their high standards.

You have spoken to one ex parent? You need to do more reasearch and ask the school about theor pastoral care and policies etc. This is a big decision and it has to be an informed one, not based on hearsay.

There are a lot of myths about prep schools that I have read here on MN. IME, the other parents are more interested in how their kids are getting on at school than worry about where you are going on holiday! At the end of the day, you are all getting the same service - there is no divide in the classroom and that is what you should look at.

My parents were in this situation. I'm eldest of 5, and was offered a scholarship to a great independent school. Other option was really crappy local school as we lived in middle of nowhere.

They chose instead to move whole family to a town with moderately better state schools, and turn down scholarship.

I felt very upset that they hadn't at least made this decision in time for me to sit for scholarships in the new town.

I didn't understand their logic of "the others won't get a scholarship, so it won't be fair on them". (And still don't, though I no longer bear a grudge over it.) Becuase, my siblings are not academic and had other paths open to them. My strength was academic, and the scholarship was my chance to follow my path.

I look back now and see it was tricky. My parents were and are wonderful in many other ways. I still think they got that one wrong though.

what happens when dc2 (or 3, or 4) turn out to be even more suited to the nice prep?

and you can't afford to send them because dc1 is there?

you would end up sacrificing (potentially) dc 2, 3 and 4's potential ...

I do think this kind of thing could be divisive.

could you afford to do the same for dc2, and send them to a choir school on a partial scholarship?

or for dc3 to go to a ind school specialising in sport?

you would be better off, if you cannot afford to give them equal opportunities, to spend the money you woudl be spending on partial fees on tutors/extra activities, imo.

I don't think that every child should have exactly the same amount spent on them on everything - that woudl just be plain silly - but if you are not going to be able to offer similar opportunities (in whatever educational/vocational aspect) to each of the children, then you need to come up with a better plan if you ask me.

YANBU to turn the offer down for the reasons you have stated, however YABU to have got your child's hopes up by applying to yhe school in the first place.

Sue52 - as I have said repeatedly, DS1 has no idea that the result of the 'quizzes' that he sat could result in him moving to a new school - as far as he was concerned it was a mental challenge, nothing more, so I don't feel that his hopes have been raised at all.

OliPolly - completely agree - we won't be basing our decision on that one call, but it does mirror what I have been hearing during the conversations that I have been having this week. However, there is a new head and we will be speaking to him about these concerns before we make a final decision.

Maryz - it's to the end of prep - so 13, but we are hoping he'll get a grammar school place at 11.

If your other children would win the same scholarship, could you afford sending all of them there?

i would send him. you're stopping him from making the most of his opportunities otherwise.

From my own experience here - I really wish you had thought about this before he sat the tests.

My parents did that with me. I got the scholarship and then they decided that it would not be fair on my two younger sisters since they could not afford to send them there and did not believe that they would get a scholarship. So I did not go.

I do regret in some ways not going. I loathed my state comprehensive and was mostly unhappy until I went to sixth form. BUT I may have been unhappy at the private school as well, who knows.

However, the main point of my posting must be this:

If you decide not to send him, please please please do not keep mentioning it for the rest of his life.

My parents still hark back to their decision not to send me private even now. So when I did not do as well as expected at O levels, this was focused on. When I did not get into Oxbridge, this was focused on. When I did go to a 'good' university it was discussed as being 'despite' then fact that I did not go to a private school - in fact I remember my father describing my first-year halls as 'a way to experience what you would have got at private school' . When I got my PhD and my current job at a university this was again seen as my triumphing in the teeth of a decision they made over thirty bloody years ago.

In fact, now I think about it, my whole family has been impacted by this obsession - my sister's three girls all now go to this same private school because 'without it they will not achieve their potential'. Aargh.

Sorry, a bit off track but my main aim is to ask you to make whatever decision you do make and then MOVE ON.

but what if, by sending him, the OP is stopping the other children making the most of their opportunities?

she has not said whether they would be in the right range academically (or musically, or in sport, for different schools) to achieve this.

why should the other 3 not get opportunities just because they are not pfb?

I don't necessarily think that al of them should be sent there regardless - it is important to choose the right school for each child - but what if the rigth school for the next 3 is also this same one, but cannot be afforded?

yes libra they seem to have handled that badly. OP
s son does not even know he sat scholarship exams or that his parents are considering sending him to this school, so I don't think he will ever know if they do not take u pthe scholarship.

My brother went to a private School at 11 and me and other brother stayed in (not very good) state school. I have absolutley no ill will towards him at all. Our parents (one thing they did right!) treated us all equally, and when they do it properly, kids no this. As I was the youngest I was offered the exams at 11 and 16, but decided not to do them.

We were also friends with his friends. There was never any snobbery or anything.

IMO you should go for it. (Although I'm starting to learn with children, your damned if you do and damned if you don't)

TBH I think you are being very daft.

1. You are in a grammar school catchment so your children are almost certainly going to end up at different schools anyway so it actually lessons the impact this would have.

2. You are basing your views about the competitiveness/pastoral nature of the school on one parent, the reality may be very different.

3. You mention a sensitive child? How would you feel if he ended up getting bullied in his state school? Or if he generally didn't achieve his potential?

4. How daft would you feel is all your kids turn out to be scholarship material and they all end up going to the local state school?

5. You mention cost for the other stuff. Have you priced it up? MY DC's extra costs are for uniform (we buy from second hand shop because that's what everyone does), music tuition (only around 2/3 bother with this the other 1/3 are certainly not looked down on in any way) and school trips (in prep they don't do much more than an overnight to Calais so they don't break the bank at this age. There is the occasional school rugby tour but that comes out of fundraising activities and the cost on individual parents is minimal)

6. You argue about there being a 'different social milieu'. Well, there will be fewer poor people for sure but the likelihood of your DS turning into a brat is minimal IMHO. My DC's friends range from a Russian oligarch family to the kids of the geography teacher. And they rate each other on footie skills and pokemon-playing ability, not the size of their houses.

It is only prep, by the time your other kids are of an age to realise he has an advantage he will have moved on to either grammar or further scholarships and the whole picture will have changed.

know not no

If he is offered a grammar place, and his siblings aren't, how will you deal with that?
Will you stop him going?

I too assumed it was a fully funded place,you will also have to consider other costs-the bus can be £7.50 a day,uniforms can be £200+ a year.

Will you have to say no to trips,music lessons,charity 'donations'/fundraising?

At the end of the day it's down to what is best for the child, not the parent/other siblings.

The child has an opportunity to go to a very good school which will make the most of his abilities. Depriving the child of that opportunity IMO is unfair.