to turn down a scholarship for DC1

[7pluspanic]

DC1 is in a state school but has just been offered a scholarship to an excellent prep school. DC2 and the subsequent ones will go through the state system. We would have educated privately (we went all the way through) but have 4 DCs and it's just not possible. DC1 would thrive in the environment, it's an excellent school academically, and obviously there are all the facilities and extras that he would be exposed to.

However, I can't help thinking that if we can't offer that sort of education for all of them, we shouldn't give it to just one of them - it would be so devisive amongst the siblings and expose DC1 to a completely different social milieu.

So, AIBU to turn it down? Or do we have a duty to give him the chance to fulfil his academic potential, even though we think that he would do so through the (very good) state school.

Hello! Well done to your son -

However, do please consider how your other children will feel. I was the only one of my sisters who went to grammar school, and I know there was some resentment amongst at least some of the others - despite the fact they all had the same option open to them (to take the 11+) and no money was spent.

Divisions between children can be set up very young and last for years.

Good luck!

Let him take up the scholarship he won. I went on scholarship to a private school - my siblings to the local state school, they both earn 3x my salary, and there's never been any hard feelings then or now. We all have different talents.

I would not put all my "extra" family finances into child 1 to participate in county sport, if it meant that child 2 couldnot participate in (eg) youth orchestra.

I would not send child 2 to a private prep, if it mean tthat child 3 could not do (ability granted) theatre work/ballet school.

the children are not all the same, of course, but if sending dc1 means that dc 2, 3 nd 4 are going to end up (in whatever way, whether by not ebing able to try out for county sport, or youth orchestra, or sit the scholarship themselves) disadvantaged.

this is part of having alarger family - you need to work out what works best for all.

and, in a grammar school area, then maybe the best for all children is extra clubs and activities (and maybe a tuotr) to enable them to sit the grammar test at 11/13 (depending on area).

saying "what would you do if one passed the grammar test and the others didnt" is muddying the waters - no one is saying that all the treated shoudl be treated the same regardless of ability, but if spendign all the family extra on one child achieving potential means the other 3 don't even get a chance to develop any potential, then that is unfair, imo.

I think you should let him go, he has earned his place. He may not thank you in the future if you don't. I'm sure it must be hard but I have 3 siblings and I can't imagine begrudging them, if you were paying for it maybe it would be different but you're not.

horrid decision, but one we have faced. Each of our kids are special and "gifted" in their own way. DD is very very bright. She would have walked entrance exams on academic ability. She might even have received an academic scholarship, such is her intellect. However, that would have been a percentage of the fees of local private school.

DS1 is also bright, but excels at sport. Full sports scholarships are known, but are rare. He would be eligible but the total scholarship value at the school we would have sent him is max 25%.

DS2 is still a youngster, but is also very smart.

But with three kids, we knew we would not be able to send them all private, plus afford uni fees.

They are 3 years apart, so when DD is in uni, ds2 will be in senior school.

Imagine paying £27k+ pa on schooling over the next 10 years.

We are lucky that the kids can go to an "outstanding" state school, where DD is making fantastic progress.

you need to check your terms and conditions If the scholarship is until the school can boast about sending him on to a prestigious public school 13 and you pull him out early, then they may demand their money back! They don't hand out scholarships out of the goodness of their hearts, there has to be something in it for them, too.

My siblings went to a private school for secondary education, while although offered a scholarship I chose to go to the local state school (snotty politicised brat even then). They were miserable in the fiercely competitive environment, while I had a great time (and went on to Cambridge, benefitting from Cambridge efforts to raise the number of state-educated kids coming in).

Our neighbour has just taken his daughters out of horrid local private junior school because he was so impressed with the local state junior school when they looked at it for their son. (Private school all girls so son couldn't go.) His advice: check out the school play. If the star of the show is obviously going to RADA, the play is to impress fee-paying parents, while if the star of the show stutters, the school is one which works to support its kids.

When well-connected parents send their kids to lcoal state schools, they pitch in with the PTA activities and contribute enormously to a culture which benefits all the kids. I am against private schools because they encourage quite wealthy kids to think they are poor in comparison to ridiculously wealthy peers, also they suck well-connected families into a network only of other well-connected families to the loss of other families in the community.

It's one thing to worry about the other DCs feeling envious but what about the eldest's feelings?

How would you cope in a few years time if he resented you for not allowing him to possibly reach his full potential by denying him the scholarship he won?

My DCs situation is slightly different because it is the youngest who is on a scholarship to a private academically selective school, and largely becasue I am so disappointed with the local comp the two oldest went to. But I'm not sure either of them would've been happy at the private school and she is thriving there. It has to be the right school for the child, and they have to be happy with the choice too. So let him choose.

YABU if you don't send him. He aced the test, it's his opportunity to take up - not yours or the other DC. I am there will be opportunities for your other DC in life.

DSis won an assisted place to a traditional private school at 11. I never resented her for it. Then at 14 I won a bursary to a wonderfullly quirky cramma college where I thrived. Being a parent is about spotting opportunities where each of your children can fulfill their own potential.

Please don't hold him back because you feel it would be unfair to the other DC, you'll end up causing them all to lose out. Also, if/when your DS finds out you put him forward for the test and then refused the place, he may well resent you for it.

I think the most important thing that no-one seems to have mentioned, is what is the state school he's currently at like? Is he doing well there? Happy? Settled? Or bored? Bullied?

Are your others likely to have a good experience in this state school?

It seems to me he's bright and therefore likely to get into grammar at 11+ - so what would the private school give him fro the next four years that he wouldn't otherwise get at his current school. Do you think there's a chance he won't pass the 11+ if he stays in the current school?

If he needs to move to make sure he gets into grammar, or becuase it would be better for him socialy, then move him. But bear in mind you'll have to make sacrifices for the others - extra music tuition for the musical one, driving to competitions for the sporty one etc. for example.

Basically I think if you can demonstrate that you were prepared to make sacrifices for all of them in order to support their specific needs and talents then you can look them squarely in the eye knowing that you did what was best for each of them - not just the one.

YANBU

Treat them all the same, otherwise it's a stately home thread in the making!

I am now more confused than ever - you've all made excellent points and it seems that I'm being equally U or NU!

He is very happy at this school, as is his sister, and in due course we will send DS2 and 3; it's a very good school, with a good record for getting children into the grammars.

Good point about checking teh small print re moving him at 11 - I will look at that carefully.

i am one of 5 siblings - the eldest won a scholarship and went through the private system as a boarder. Rest of us went to state schools. there was no resentment at all becuase that was the way it was and if the parents had chosen it, it was not our place to argue!
Academically, there is no difference between his achievements and ours - two of us "staties" have university degrees, in fact one of us had 3!!!
Another was a long-term office in the RN and now a consultant earning serious shed-loads of money
So, DC1 hasn't really fared any better to be honest, and it really isn't an issue.

I was thinking that too 7, reading all the "what ifs?", I really didn't know any more what I would have done in your shoes. Tough decision.

Well if the current school is good, sounds like whatever you do, you cannot lose which is great. I would investigate the pastoral aspect of this school. That would be very important to me in primary.

Good luck making a decision!

Ridiculous to suggest children should be treated the same, would people give their high flying millionaire child £500 if they had to pay the mortgage of their single mum child to keep things fair ?
Do all the DC's go to bed at the same time, have the same amount spent on presents etc or do they have what they want or need at the time ?

i think it unfair on your ds for holding him back.

my ds has SEN, and he gets alot of support for this however if my dd is talented i would not hold her back for the sake of my ds feeling.

YANBU

However, there are reasons on the 'other side of the coin' that you need to consider: the school(ing) being right for him, you may well get bursaries/ another scholarship for your other dc. Also, like others have said, at what point do you not treat them as individuals?

I was "gifted" at something during my childhood. My parents refused to give me access to this activity unless my sister had the same opportunity. My sister was reluctantly accepted into it and proceeded to do very badly at what I was doing extremely well (to a national level). It also set a weird precedent in that she's never really stopped 'copying'/ feigning interest in things I want to do/ way I want to live.

I think your ds deserves his shot at this scholarship. He did you proud and put in all that effort. He won that place hmself and deserves his opportunity. Your other dc's will get their fair share of opportunities - theirs might not come in the form of private school scholarships, but they will get them.

So you've bright child, happy at his state school. You eventually want him to go to grammar school - his state primary has a good record for getting children into grammar school. So why would you move him? The outcome is likely to be the same isn't it - i.e. grammar school.

I do not have older children so have no RL experience to transfer but IMO turning this down because you are worried about the effects on your other children is not fair on your DS. He has won the right to do this and it is his talent - perhaps your other children won't get in but they may have other skills which set them apart.

It is your job to treat each child individually and harness their particular talent - be it academic, sport, musical or being able to make a reallgood cake, it doesn't matter IMO as long as you value each child on their own benchmark.

My sister and I are so different, I am quite academic and she is musically brilliant, I can't do what she does and vice versa but we are both proud of each others abilities because we weren't compared against each other but treated as individuals.

As for whether this school is better than the other, thats up to you but I think the sibling element should be taken out of the decision.

I hope this helps. Good luck!