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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down a scholarship for DC1

102 replies

7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 09:28

DC1 is in a state school but has just been offered a scholarship to an excellent prep school. DC2 and the subsequent ones will go through the state system. We would have educated privately (we went all the way through) but have 4 DCs and it's just not possible. DC1 would thrive in the environment, it's an excellent school academically, and obviously there are all the facilities and extras that he would be exposed to.

However, I can't help thinking that if we can't offer that sort of education for all of them, we shouldn't give it to just one of them - it would be so devisive amongst the siblings and expose DC1 to a completely different social milieu.

So, AIBU to turn it down? Or do we have a duty to give him the chance to fulfil his academic potential, even though we think that he would do so through the (very good) state school.

OP posts:
withagoat · 14/03/2011 09:49

dont think university is same comparison as isnt YET so directly affected by ability to pay

MollieO · 14/03/2011 09:49

I know someone who has chosen private for one and state for the other three. No resentment at all. As for different 'social milieu' I think you would be surprised. Ds is at prep and has friends at state school, no difference between children or parents ime.

I also know someone who turned down a place at private school as he wanted to go to a more academically rigorous grammar school.

I would choose whichever is the right school for your dc and not be swayed about the private v state issue.

thaigreencurry · 14/03/2011 09:50

Perhaps your other children will win scholarships too?

I don't see it as being a huge issue. We live in a grammar school cathcment area so there is no guarantee that our children will end up being educated in the same system unless we make a decision to opt out of the 11+ for both of them.

ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 09:51

it is a difficult one. I was assuming something like a full-fees paid scholarship. Hoaever if you still have to pay a substantial amount, just lessened by the scholarship, perhaps it will be difficult for your other 3 to accept. I am not sure.

Is it a fabulous school then?

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 09:51

yes but it's affected by how clever they are as to where they go.

ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 09:52

snort at goat's social climber son.

I suppose they do pick up on this type of thing more than we expect

MollieO · 14/03/2011 09:52

I'd add that I'm surprised you put him through the exams if you had already decided that all your children should be educated the same way. It seems a bit mean.

Chandon · 14/03/2011 09:55

I WOULD send him.

I think the siblings can deal with it.

but then, I do not think going to State school equals "loser", like some on here.

I would think that you should choose the best option available for each child. Treat them as the individuals that they are. What works for one may not work for the other!

spoken as the mother of one SEN and one academic child. Mine may well end up in different school as their needs are different.

lucysmum · 14/03/2011 09:57

given that is a prep school scholarship as opposed to senior school i was going to say what will happen when he needs to move on to senior school. Now I see you have grammar school option which i guess will be a breeze for him to get into - so i would go for it - i think it will be much less divisive for your family that if it was a senior school. What would you do if he got a scholarship to a senior school - when we would be much more aware of the process/implications ? and IMO would be more of an issue for the other children

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 09:59

I just don't get this idea that somehow sibings will be upset if one of them gets more money spent on them than another or have to have exactly the same sort of thing - regardless of what it is. Yes when they're really little you have to make sure you've got the same number of "big" (looking) prsents for them to open at Christmas - but once they're older (school age+) surely they are able to understand that child 1 is fabulous at dancing and absolutely lives for it so is getting dancing lessons, but they are absolutely ecstatic about ICT so have got a nice swishy computer to do stuff on and go to ICT club at school.

Oh god wait - DS1's Christmas present was twice the price of DS2's........all hell is going to break lose when they work it out isn't it Hmm

Rabat · 14/03/2011 09:59

DH went to the local comp. BIL (his brother) won a full schlorship to the fairly local private school. Both achieved academically - 4 A's at A level etc.

DH is clearly intelligent but BIL is beyond that - he is exceptionally intelligent (very high IQ absolutely thrives on academic challenge) and has a very different personality. TBH I think that PIL made the right decision. I have NEVER heard DH complain that is was unfair in any way.

Maryz · 14/03/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeenBeta · 14/03/2011 10:05

7plus - I went to boarding school and my sisters went to a local state Comp. It has not put a big rift between us.

However, DS1 has just won a scholarship to a private school but DS2 didnt. I would not send DS1 if I could not afford to also send both him and his brother private.

In your area as you have a grammar the deciosn is a bit different as it might give your DS a better chance of getitng into the grammar if he goes to Prep. I might be willng to give him that chance at the Prep for a few years of fees and then back to the state grammar. A lot of people do that in our area.

I understand how hard the decision must be.

shemademedoit · 14/03/2011 10:06

My 4 kids go to different schools for different reasons. My kids are a team: yes they fight with each other, but when it comes to outside influences, I really believe they only want what's best for each other. That includes schools. Just because I spend a bunch of money on a 'cello (for example) doesn't mean that the other's feel they should have the same spent on them. As long as their interests/needs are fairly nurtured, then I agree with whoever it was said that it's how you deal with it that counts. Do what you can for the best of each child on an individual basis.

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 10:07

Baroque - is you not getting on with your brother anything to do with your differing educational experiences? I worry that by moving DS1 into a very moneyed environment, it will impact on the rest of them. He'll have FAR more opportunities, amazing school trips etc and I think that it has to make it difficult for the others.

I think that the university analogy is different - it's the culmination of your educational experience.

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 10:08

Totally agree with shemademedoit.

curlymama · 14/03/2011 10:08

I would send him if he wants to go. It's not about you providing a different education for all four children, it's about you providing the same opportunity. If they all get given a fair chance, they shouldn't feel resentment for it in later life.

Problems may occur when the child with the schlarship wants to go on foreign trips that the others can't do, but a good state secondary will have opportunities like that too.

It would be unfair to not allow one child to fulfil their potential to saty in line with the others, and if you don't allow him, he may be the one to develop a feeling of resentment. If it was a grammar school would you let him go just because the otheres didn't get in?

ZZZenAgain · 14/03/2011 10:09

If you find it difficult to decide, I think I would make my decision dependent on how good a private school it is. Is it just another private school with slightly smaller classes and better facilities - or is it something outstanding? If it is outstanding, then yes I would send him.

diddl · 14/03/2011 10:12

I would let him decide tbh.

If you were against it why let him sit the exams?

Original poster
7pluspanic · 14/03/2011 10:13

Just been on the phone to an ex parent who said it's an outstanding school but the pastoral side is lacking - and the parents are very socially competitive...that they love you and your child if they are performing academically, but perhaps not so much if they aren't living up to their high standards.

DS1 is sensitive and would find a move difficult, so there's lots to think about - if we didn't send him we'd have more spare money to do the 'extras' out of school time - not just for DS but for all of them.

OP posts:
elastamum · 14/03/2011 10:15

Before you decide, will the scholarship take him all the way through and if not what will you do? If you go down the private route make sure you can afford for him to stay there

My son has a 7+ scholarship and he will have to resit scholarship exams for his senior school. I have since divorced and fees are always a worry for me.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 10:15

no I didn't get on with my brother long before I went to private school............and I don't get on with him now as he thinks that my marriage break-up was my fault.

Actually the only time we did ever really get along was when I was at private school and he (he's 4 years older than me) moved to the same city I was at school in. We used to go out drinking (me under age Blush) and all sorts.

He knew (and still does - 'tis the only thing we agreed on last summer when I foolishly stayed with him for 2 weeks) that the school I went to was best for me. And that even if getting in hadn't been dependant on having a musical ability that it wasn't the right school for him.

FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 10:17

I think that if a child is academically gifted they do well at any school be it state or private.

My son went to a shit school, but is a gifted pupil and got outstanding results top of his year.

If your son is sensitive it might be better to keep him where he is, my eldest self taught himself Maths GCSE at 11 and took it himself even though at a shit state school, he made the newspapers. You could do the same for your son whilst maintaining the state school.

OliPolly · 14/03/2011 10:18

I would send him if he got the place on his own merit and if the school is right for him.

I also have a friend who has turned down a grammar place for her DD to go to a Indie on Scholarship becuase the school is right for her. Her other DCs are in state.

If you manage the expectations of your kids properly, you won't have any issues. Children are different and should be treated as individuals

My kids go to a prep school but I don't see children who go to state school as disadvantaged in any way.

Asinine · 14/03/2011 10:19

My brothers went private on full scholarships, but my sister and I could not as it was an all boys school. The private girls school was poor academically and we were taken out because of this despite being offered financial assistance by the head. I was fine and I do not resent this. I was far happier in the state system and made many life long friends.
Just do what your gut instinct is telling you.