To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

i haven't read all the thread but i agree you in part - i don't think its neglect but i don't understand it. I guess some people have different relationships with their children than others. NOTHING could make me spend 2 nights away from my children, never mind days, weeks. I don't even get the excuses of people who work away, or forces people because i'd rather be skint and unemployed than work in a job were i couldn't see my kids all the time. Both my brothers were in the army but left as soon as their children were born as they wanted to be hand on and not spend anytime apart. My husband dreads getting invited on stag do's if more than one night away! My relationship with my children is so important - i wouldn't let them go if someone offered to pay for the best school in the country - even if they wanted to go! - i'm interested in why people do it? - i don't get "lifesytle" reasons - why not change your life/job then????

kitkat, I'm not a fan of boarding school, but that's a bit OTT for your husband not to cope with one night away isn't it? We have to adjust to our children leaving home eventually so keeping a bit of your own identity is good surely?

he does cope with it (should have added a smile after that in original post!) i just mean i know he loves the kids so much that he wants to spend all his time with them and thats why i dont understand other parents who don't?

Will you be going to uni with them then Kitkat? You have to let go at some stage

Working away or being in the Forces isn't 'an excuse', it's a reason. Saying 'leave your job' and thus not being able to meet all your commitments or support your child seems pretty damn immature to me.

your comment about uni is not relevant to my comment- by that time they are adults and the OP is talking about young children! And as for leaving you job, people change jobs all the time depending on personal circumstances - i'm just saying that peoples priorities are obviously different - people choose to be in the forces so its a choice they make based on the lifestyle they want - as do people allow their kids to board

No I am sure that she will be fab. DD is very excited to go. The school is only 30 miles from us so I can go up twice a week and DD will be home every third weekend.
It has been her choice to go, we haven't put any pressure on her. The school she is going to is academic entry so DD has had to do the work to get in.
I am a bit worried that we will be left behind if I am honest.
This is the best option open to us for DD and her future.

Ronshar, my ds is off to boarding school in W sussex in Sept (yr 7) I wonder if it's the same one? He'll also be home every 3rd weekend

Will he be wearing long socks?

As an emotionally scarred former boarding school girl I would say YANBU.

I loved my school but I do now think that it has seriously impacted on my emotional stability as an adult. And in particular the 'lack of love' led to me sleeping around alot for a decade in a sad search for what was missing from my life.

'NOTHING could make me spend 2 nights away from my children,' yes, it is relevant Kitkat - they're still your children, even when they go off to uni.

Tbh, I find wanting to be joined at the hip to your children all the time a bit weird - I need the me time. Ds was regularly sent off to either of his grandmothers, 3.5 hours away, when his term times didn't overlap with mine for a week/10 days from about 4.

Changing your job isn't as easy as you make out - not possible when you have to give 12-18 months notice.

Boarding schools mean that people can go away to work in countries where there might not be education for your kids and that the education of diplomatic/FCO/Forces kids doesn't suffer.

My education was fab (10 As at GCSE and 6 A levels)

This didn't make up for the ill effects of being effectively pushed out of the family home at 11!

My DD is in Year 9 and has boarded since Year 7. She joined the school on her 11th birthday as she's an August baby and that was the day term started! Boarding was her choice and she loves it. The school site is vast, the facilities are tremendous and although the school is not selective (in fact some children are in local authority care) it is a lead school for G&T. She has just taken her first module in GCSE maths (mock last week, real one in June) and got an A*...not bad for a 13yo who is apparently being emotionally damaged by being away from her family.

Her choice, but she's happy and achieving well and I wouldn't have it any other way. DD2, on the other hand, would rather be forced to eat sprouts every day for the rest of her life than go to boarding school.

Incidentally, I'm a primary teacher so when she is home she gets 12 weeks holiday with me plus every weekend she wants to come home, she does. She's only 23 miles away.

I think that we have gone from one extreme to another. I can see that you don't want to send your DCs to boarding school, I wouldn't, but they really do need time apart from you! Time with grandparents, cub camps, school visits etc.

Joined at the hip with your mother isn't healthy for either!

I loved school and at the time I wouldn't have come home if you'd paid me - but I still maintain that it was damaging. My mum didn't work so I saw her all hols. and I went home lots too.

But still - it isn't good for children to be seperated from their parents so young.

I've chosen day schools for the DCs until they hit sixth form and then board from then onwards

There are huge pluses for boarding later on. It encourages independence, builds life-long friendships and helps children build themselves into adults.

Or makes them mistrustful and fiercely independent!

And at my school my best friends for six years were from Hong Kong, Africa, Belgium and Italy - I have seen them once in the 20 years since we left!

Well we are all conditioned by our own life experiences

I boarded and all my closest friends (am now aged 44) were at boarding school with me. Think of it as blitz spirit if you will.

My sister and brother were at local grammar schools and still see their buddies very regularly because they all come home at Xmas to visit their parents.

YANBU. Why have children if all you want to do is give them away? It go's against all my maternal instincts. As others have said, it is neglect in the extreme.

Kitkat you sound like my sil. The upshot of spending all your time with your dcs is immature teenagers/young adults who are emotionally completely unable to think for themselves having had their development stunted by a cling-on parent. Actually make that parents as my db is equally responsible but does at least go out to work.

major at sweetgilly.

Yes you are! Some parents have no choice.
I am married to a military guy and worry constantly about education. I am damned if Im do and damned if I don't.
Option 1 - move child every move - social problems because of constantly having to remake friends, no lasting friendships and disrupted education.
Option 2- stable friends, stable education, feeling like an outcast in the family, feeling isolated by family and bullying.
Hard choice!