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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

1001 replies

WriterofDreams · 13/03/2011 23:06

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

OP posts:
colditz · 13/03/2011 23:37

year nine and ten is 13 and 14, though isn't it?

We're talking about 7 year olds here.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 13/03/2011 23:41

not sure that the services is a good enough reason from a childs point of view I went at 7 because we moved in the forces alot, as did my older sister and younger brother,
the practicalities of moving school so often is something that adults can comprehend but not a child, a child just knows that it has been taken from the family unit to live somewhere else for 2/3rds of the year.
Didn't feel unhapy every minute of every day but every single day of prep school would have jumped at the slightest opportunity to live with mum and dad.

I can honestly say it has trashed any real relationship with my parents, they have no idea who I really am or what I really like. And I don't know them.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 13/03/2011 23:43

just to add I didn't attend the same school as my siblings until my brother joined my school when I was 15 so there was no case of "in it together" either

happiestblonde · 13/03/2011 23:48

YABU

I chose to go to boarding school from 11 and LOVED it until I left at 15 because I was more interested in boys, alcohol and class As than the swimming pool.

Penthesileia · 13/03/2011 23:52

It totally depends on the child and whether they are ready to be institutionalised. For some, this is earlier or later than others. If a child can acclimatise to the institution, they'll be ok.

Neglect is a strong word. In many ways, the all-encompassing, 24/7 lifestyle of a boarding school is very far from neglect. You are rarely alone, and there are dozens of people in all kinds of different roles, who see you every day, week-in, week-out.

Whether that results in genuine happiness, or a child simply reaches a kind of emotional steady-state (to which the British elite are particularly partial), is debatable.

BaggedandTagged · 13/03/2011 23:58

Parents who have children in boarding school (which tend to have very long holidays) but where one parent doesn't work, probably see their children for more waking hours per year than many parents who work full time, so YABU to say it's neglect unless you also think FT working parents are neglectful, which I certainly wouldn't.

I think 7 is too young for many children, but not for all. My cousin went at 8 and it transformed him- he's one of those children that benefits from a lot of structure, he went to a school that had lots of focus on outdoor stuff and he really thrived.

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deliainthemaking · 14/03/2011 00:06

personally I would never do it

GothAnneGeddes · 14/03/2011 00:16

As an Army brat I enjoyed moving much more then the idea of going to boarding school and Shock having to share a bedroom.

7 is far too young. I can understand why some 11 yrs and older children might love it, but it would have never been for me.

beijingaling · 14/03/2011 00:18

I went to boarding school and loved it. It was a hell of a lot better than sitting at home, deeply unhappy, watching EA &DV and my parents marriage melt down. It was also a lot better than the shitty expat schools where we were based.

My relationship with my mother was better for boarding school. She got to be fun mummy who gave me treats and good stuff whilst boarding school became the harsh parent who told me off for not doing homework, wouldn't let me go out on a Friday night and made damn sure boyfriends were a thing of myth until 6th form.

Tanith · 14/03/2011 00:37

YABU and very judgemental. Boarding schools have changed dramatically since the time your friends attended theirs.

DS's school is day and boarding and there are very, very few of the juniors (7&8 year olds) who board. Of those that do, none are full time boarders. They stay for maybe one or 2 nights a week. It's more of a weekly sleep-over and the kids have a great time.

I really don't like your assertion that they are high class care for the wealthy. We are not in the least wealthy or high class. Your statement is snobbish, bigoted and ill-informed.

chickchickchicken · 14/03/2011 00:43

YABVU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy

ds is 18 and has been at boarding school for 5 years. he is a weekly boarder and comes home every weekend as well as having very long school holidays

the school is too far away to drive on a daily basis. we regularly go for parents day, church, etc so we have a lot more driving/time away from home/days off work throughout the school year than if he was at a local school. its worth it as that is the best school for him. i do not see it as the easy option at all

chickchickchicken · 14/03/2011 00:45

btw i am not wealthy or high class

do you have a chip on your shoulder?

manicinsomniac · 14/03/2011 00:50

Maybe not unreasonable but certainly generalising hugely.

Personally, I don't understand how parents can bear to send their under 11s aways to boarding school but I work in a boarding/day prep school and the full/weekly boarders adore it. Many day children flexi board 1-3 nights a week and beg their parents to let them join in.

Most modern boarding schools for younger children will not keep on a child who is unhappy as a boarder. It's very much about child choice.

So, while I find it an odd choice on the part of the parent I certainly don't think you can say they are neglecting their children.

TheVisitor · 14/03/2011 00:55

My husband was sent to boarding school at the tender age of 9. Every Sunday night, even now, he has that awful feeling that meant the beginning of the week away from home. He's now 36 and it still affects him. His mum massively regrets sending him away, as he was a very cuddly little man who was ripped away from his mum, as his dad thought that a 9 year old should not still be cuddling on his mum's lap.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 14/03/2011 03:55

It totally depends on the school, on the family and on thd child.

I don't agree with sending a child to toughen them up. I do agree with it where the child is happy to go or where they would be much safer there than following their parents to a less-than-ideal posting.

NinkyNonker · 14/03/2011 07:48

I knew lots of kids at school who loved it, lots who hated it. I could never, and will never do it...absolutely not for me. Luckily DH agrees.

A friend signed their baby son up for his school, starting boarding at start of primary. I admit I raised an eyebrow at that, 7 is so tiny.

It isn't something to judge over, it is personal choice. Unless we end up in jobs that require excessive travelling or some other such real reason.

goodbyemrschips · 14/03/2011 08:01

I would never send to boarding school, why would I have a child and then send him away.

Also for all the parents who say their child loves boarding school, that says a lot about your parenting that they would rather be at school than at home.

Preparing for battle to be shot down for having an opinion.

meditrina · 14/03/2011 08:06

No-one minds an opinion!

But I think you are over-generalising and being insulting.

goodbyemrschips · 14/03/2011 08:10

Opinions can be insulting if you don't agree with them.

Oblomov · 14/03/2011 08:10

Neglect ? oh pluuuurlease.
Agree with others, depends on age and nature of child.
I begged and begged to weekly borad. And when I did it was as fab as I had expected. My stay was cut short, due to health. Wink

meditrina · 14/03/2011 08:13

Opinions vary enormously, and I've learned a great deal from posters who express different ones.

But even an opinion I agree with can be insulting if expressed that way. Over-generalisations which express the underlying sentiment "this whole group of parents are crap" are provocative, and tend to polarise subsequent posts. I find that a shame, as it undermines the more informed debate.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 14/03/2011 08:17

ok
so I have been thinking about this overnight, and I think that in general the people who come onto MN are GENERALLY fab parents who are eager for their children to have the best upbringing they can have.

BUT there are plenty of parents out there who neglect their children in all sorts of ways and for SOME children (perhaps fewer children than 20 years ago) that neglect cCAN include boarding school.

There were and still are children who don't weekly board, children whose parents weren't available on exeats and half terms and so the child went home 3 times a year.

MN is never going to be an average opinion on something although you can get a wider view on most things, the parents who really don't give a stuff aren't on here to give their point of view. I know my parents were delighted that we could stay with other people at half term and exeats. Sometimes we stayed at school for exeats when 95% of other kids had gone home.

Sushiqueen · 14/03/2011 08:20

"Also for all the parents who say their child loves boarding school, that says a lot about your parenting that they would rather be at school than at home"

Well I boarded at school - did both full and weekly boarding. And despite what you may think, I had a great relationship with my parents then and now.

I loved school, I also loved all the after school activities. If I had been a day pupil I wouldn't have been able to attend any of them as the only bus that went to and from the school, left 10 mins after school finished. And that was a 75 min journey each way. There was no public transport to the area and we didn't have a car. So I wouldn't have been able to join in with anything.

So after talking it over with my parents, I boarded as did my brother. And we loved it. We could take part in everything in school and loved spending time with our parents. They fully supported us in everything and encouraged us to be independent people. So where is the "bad" parenting in that?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 14/03/2011 08:36

Hoping for some hard evidence on this, as DS2 is pestering us to send him to boarding schol and we ned to decide Grin

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