To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

Mira understand and didn't mean to criticise your personal choices. I've met a suprising number of people though who have near-bankrupted themselves to send their children to not very good private schools on the basis of little more than prejudice.

I think boarding schools give children a far better education than state day schools. Parents are paying a lot of money for top private/public schools in Britain and IMHO the education children receive is the best.
I have been to both and weekly boarded at prep school and loved it.
My children have also been to both and my youngest is still at prep school as a day boy and really enjoys it. I know if I had to weekly/ termly board him he would be quite happy.

I dont think any child under the age of about 7/8 yrs should board. They need their mother/fathers full time.
Also boarding is only for termtime and then private boarding schools have very long holidays : 8 weeks Summer and a month for Easter and a month for Xmas. So really these children/teenagers are home for 20 weeks of the year (incl all half terms) and when the Hols go on and on ,,,, dont we know it. !! ...grhh!

I went at 7, it didn't do me any harm at all and I loved it, however I don't think I would send dd or ds there at that age unless they wanted to go. I know my parents had their good reasons for sending me, they were doing lots of short bits abroad and around the country and with no grandparents or aunts/uncles around I was often shipped off to be with people I didn't really want to be with who weren't always child friendly. Boarding School changed this and it was massively nurturing. I have never thought that why my parents sent me was neglectful or selfish, it was practical and I was pleased to go.

gazes around

I wish I had the money to send my lot to boarding school

DSs often say they would like to go to boarding school. Some days me and DW agree with them.

My dd's school is a boarding school, but she is a day pupil - I wouldn't want my daughter to board, but the funny thing is she wants to as do her classmates! A lot of the boarders have parents in the armed forces or are pupils sent from other countries, from what I have witnessed the girls who board look happy as larry..! They have boarding mistresses who look after their emotional well-being etc, they have lots of clubs and trips out and can visit their non-boarding friends - as someone said these schools have good wrap=around care, the day girls can stay for tea and board in an emergency if need be. Obviously boarding dosen't suit everyone, but that is true about everything, just because you don't like/can't afford something doesn't mean it isn't right, everyone is different and cut their cloth accordingly, people shouldn't be so judgemental about each others choices....I get snide remarks about my daughter going to a fee paying school...but moving to an expensive house in a good state school is ok then...? Yes it is if that is your choice....some people like to spend their money on expensive cars/holidays etc and don't see why they should pay for something that they can get for 'free'.....off on a tangent now sorry! I know I will get blasted but really everybody makes their own choices, you should be concerned about the choices you are making, not other peoples....

Again, interesting responses, thanks.

writer, I do think it is neglectful and that is from experience when I was in my late teens of being good friends with a group of boys who went to Eton and various other posh schools. They were all monumentally screwed up -including my then boyfriend who had a serious mental breakdown at the age of 18. He had been put into boarding school at age 8 - simply because in his family that was the thing to do.

Perhaps boarding at 11 or boarding weekly is one thing - but why have children and allow other adults to be responsible for their moral upbringing? You wont know what they are doing each day, how they are changing, who their friends are. I think its fucking weird

Haven;t read any of this yet, but I bet it's going well isn't it?

I think boarding school is ok for some senior aged children (ideally 13 plus) but I would never force it on any child just because 'it's what this family do'. It has to be the right thing for that child.

I think people who send their children to boarding school below the age of 11 are misguided, and below the age of 9 they are just stupid arses who have lost all perspective of what good parenting is about.

I can see how boarding school might be attractive for teenagers and might even be beneficial for them. It is the younger children I really feel sorry for.

I know several people who went to boarding school. Generally those I know who went at 7 hated it, those who went at 11 or 13 loved it.

My DH was a day boy at a mixed day/boarding school. When he was 13 he begged his parents to let him board so that he didnt miss out on the evening and weekend fun (shooting, boating, climbing, loads of sport) that his mates did after Prep was finished. He adored it.

His parents weren't (aren't) neglectful or cruel.

Two of my DS friends are leaving his Prep at the end of Y6 to go off and board at the same girls school together and they simply cannot wait.

Don't believe everything you see on TV, especially in this day and age of bashing anything remotely "posh" or "wealthy".

I boarded in sixth form having been asking and asking to go since I was about 11. And that had nothing to do with poor parenting (what an offensive suggestion), it had to do with being miserable at school and feeling like a fish out of water. Although the change of school wasn't the solution to everything, it did improve things and I was glad of it. In the end 3 of the 4 of us chose to go to (different) boarding schools in sixth form, all four enjoyed those years, and we all still have a good relationship with each other and with our parents.

Yes 7 is very young; can't imagine sending a child at that age but am sure there are situations where it really is the best option - but I absolutely will discuss school options with DS and DD when they are at 'natural break'(moving on to secondary school etc) stages, and trying to do what is best for them as individuals, rather than ruling out particular choices out of prejudice.....

I really think it depends on the child.

Personally I think 7 or 8 is far too young for a child to be separated from his/her parents and how can a school hope to provide the love, attachments and physical affection that children need at this age?

My ex went to boarding school at the age of 8 and he told me it deeply affected his ability to form close relationships with others, particularly women, throughout his life. He clearly relied on himself from a very young age and also learnt not to get too attached to others.
It also created a distance from his parents that never lessened. Having said this his brother who boarded from 11 didn't have these problems.

I myself would never send my son to boarding school because I do think its a kind of neglect albeit done with the best intentions

I boarded at sixth form and loved it, and it made me more independent and capable. Hopefully ds will go to the same place and have the best two years ever as I did. I had such a good time, and still remember it vividly; I am 45 now!

I have a friend who's mother was seriously depressed after divorce and as a result was basically being neglected at home (her clothes were never washed, she wasn't fed properly etc). It was her uncle stepping in and paying for boarding school that saved her. If the family hadn't had the money to send her away to school she may have ended up in the care system and all the poor outcomes that can lead to. This case is the opposite of the one the OP describes - the neglect was at home and it was the school that gave her a structured and supporting atmosphere that allowed her to become the happy and successful person she is today.

We're a forces family and have yet to decide on the boarding issue (our three children are too young). For the past year my husband has been working a few hundred miles away and he comes home for a long weekend (Thurs night until Sunday eve) every two to three weeks. That's a hard thing to sustain but right now it provides a bit of stability for the children and me as well as some support for my parents (my father is disabled). Longer term, I don't know if we can sustain that distance apart and if we decide to start following the drum again, then we may have to consider boarding.

I think that actually, counter to the OPs suggestion, boarding school can offer an alternative to neglect. I boarded from the age of seven; my mother had just given birth again and had very bad PND, life at home was topsy turvy with my father being away for long periods and lots of children and dogs and we kept moving house - boarding school was stability. And I knew where the next meal was coming from. (That is not to say that I was neglected at home, incidentally - far from it. Rather, school offered a sense of permanence that home life was lacking.)

And boarding school has several significant merits. Namely:

1.) The school becomes responsible for disciplining the child, rather than the parent. My parents never had to ask me if I'd done my homework, for instance, or give me a curfew, as every day at home was holidays and never a school night. I have a very good relationship with them now.

2.) One learns independence from an early age.

3.) One learns to take care of one's belongings oneself - if you leave stuff lying around, it'll vanish, and there's no mother to pick your clothes up for you.

4.) One learns to get on with ANYBODY, and to share ones space with them - which is a vital skill for the workplace in later life.

5.) Everybody is equal at school. The 'rich kids' don't necessarily stand out (except when their fathers pick them up by helicopter) but the majority of the time, this is so unimportant as to not even be mentioned.

6.) Boredom at the weekends forces one to do other things, for instance drama or music or art or whatever else is on offer.

There are many more advantages - I can not tell you just how good the friends are that I made at boarding school - wherever we are in the world we're still the best and closest of friends - and nearly all of us are putting our children's names down for the same school that we went to (though that was the later school - 13 rather than 7 . . . )

I really don't think there is essentially anything wrong with boarding - although at a young age it really depends on the child. Quite often if older siblings are boarding and at boarding/day school then the younger ones really want to do it too. If you are busy providing for your family - and not everyone works a 9-5 job, then it can be the best thing for your children. The time you then spend with them can be much much more valuable as you are able to sometimes structure work around it so you are freer during the holidays than term time. Some people work for themselves and have to do whatever is possible for the best for their family. However those that send them to boarding school so that they can have the life of riley, go on endless holidays etc are a bit selfish but then I suppose those that do that and have a nanny can be selfish too. The generalisation is the problem, not the idea of 7 year olds etc boarding.

btw beijingaling - another kitty fisher goer here - there are a few around on mn!

puffykins your post sums up my experience of boarding school, it was a fantastic addition to my life - my friends now are ALL my school friends and actually I feel like I have an extended family as opposed to a fragmented one. The old adage of you can choose your friends but not your family rules true and that isn't to say that neglect is rife but I love that my closest friends have grown up with me and that we NEVER have to explain yourselves to each other (only to our dh's!)

Exactly Figgyrolls. There is no one I trust more than those that I went through school with - and this applies both in my personal life and in my professional life - and we all accept each other for exactly what we are because we have, in some instances, known each other since we were eight. So we don't try to change each other either. And it doesn't matter about personal success or lack of success (however one views success) - we're just ourselves. There's nothing to prove. And yes, it is exactly like an extended family.

Well said med. You read my mind.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time at boarding school (aged 14-18) and it was entirely my choice to go there.

I only hope that I can afford it for my children one day when they're old enough.

I have never grown so much in self-confidence, or made such good friends as I did then. I'd go back in a flash.

I would like to say thank you to the posters who have come on to say how much being at boarding school has changed their lives for the better.

I worry every day if we are making the right decision.

Ronshar, are you worried your daughter won't get on well at boarding school?