To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

My dh and a considerable amount of friends went to boarding school. Most of them were sent due to snobby class reasons, not practical ones. They have all turned out fine, but their relationsips with their parents are all a bit strange in my opinion. This is due to their parents not really knowing them very well. Asked as adults, all of them would have preferred to experience living at home, not at a school campus where so many decisions are made for you.

Personally I couldn't bear to be without the physical closeness of living with my children and the day to day experiences. It would be a bit like being married but not actually living with your husband.

How much time do most 13+ yos spend with their parents? Honestly?

At that age after school I was either holed up in my room, holed up in a friend's room, or hanging around town. I barely saw my mother.

I think boarding school might have been good for me - at least there's a chance I might have actually done my homework. And I would have been pleased to see my mother rather than annoyed. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that

Do you think it makes a difference if the child chooses to go to Boarding school rather than being 'sent'? I'm obviously talking about secondary schools rather than primary.

I imagine it would make a big difference, pinkhebe.

I think some children love boarding school. We sent my DSS2 to a boarding school for five weeks last summer to learn English, but he would happily have stayed on all year! He adored it - he is 13 and very much the type of child who loves joining in, being very busy and hanging out with his friends.

YABU. It completely depends on the child, school, family situation.

I went to boarding school at 13 and absolutely adored it. Surrounded by all my best friends, loads of fun stuff to do, easy to work as I got older and had exams etc. Went home every weekend. At home my parents were going through a divorce. I adored the routine and predictability of school and then the novelty of being home at weekends and getting all the 'best bits' with my parents.

Wouldn't send my DCs unless they wanted to go though - I would miss them too much. Though I may feel differently when they are teenagers.....

I imagine the children who are sent to boarding school because their parents would prefer them to be out of their hair (I don't just mean out of the way here and there - we all want our DCs out of the way at times) would suffer just as much as a result of their parents' emotional distance if they were day pupils.

Being in the same house overnight isn't a guarantee of emotional closeness or attachment.

'Neglect in the extreme'. Really? So what do you call real cases of child cruelty and neglect? 'Neglect to infinity'?

Hyperbole and hysteria in the extreme!

Not something I could do. I also saw that programme and it was very distressing to watch.

However, for some kids, boarding school is their first experieince of "belonging" to something...not all children have a happy home life.

I read PG Wodehouses autobiography recently and he ssw his parents for a total 6 months in his first 13 years as they were based in the far east.
He loved his BS - it was his "family"

I do wonder about sending such young children into these establishments....agree with the poster who said it should be for older children.

MollieO - i don't think you can say that in every case. I'm not talking about not giving my kids freedom and joining them to my hip!! My husband works typical 9-5 and i work 3 days and my children are at school. They also both attend swimming, after school activities etc and have sleepovers at grandparents - when we are having adult night outs etc (like most parents do i imagine). But thats not what i meant - i'm just saying its a reflection of people relationships with their children and how they fit into their lifestyle if they are comfortable letting their children board. Everyone has a choice - even if in a job where it seems better to board - it's a case of weighing up whether your job is that important. Like i said earlier my brothers both left the army after children and joined the fire/police so they could provide their children with a stable environment. Everyone has a choice- fine if you want to send your kids to boarding school but i don't think its fair to blame it on your job!

For some families with two working parents with long hours and frequent travel jobs, boarding school is going to be an excellent solution - just as it was in the past for families who lived abroad or a long way from any school.

YANBU to disagree with boarding schools but YABVU and offensive to label it neglect. I personally wouldnt send my children to boarding school. It's not something I grew up with and I can't get my head round not seeing my children every day but neglect it isn't. They are looked after and educated presumably very well. For some it will work, for others it won't.Much like every other school.

I don't have an issue with secondary age children going if they want to but I don't know a single adult who was sent at 7 who a) wanted to go or b) would ever send their children at that age. It's too young IMO.

So carryon, would you say that as long as a child is looked after and educated they're not neglected? In my mind emotional neglect is the worst form of neglect. I think a child who have every advantage materially and educationally but no warm loving family relationships is far worse off than a child who sees a loving parent every day but doesn't have the material advantages. Would you agree?

child who has every advantage

"I think a child who have every advantage materially and educationally but no warm loving family relationships is far worse off than a child who sees a loving parent every day but doesn't have the material advantages. Would you agree?"

Give me strength. So far, parents who send their children to BS are

1. neglectful
2. Not loving
3. Not warm

Op- why don't you get yourself down to SS and offer to mentor some children who really are neglected?

Yes, baggedandtagged I do. Not in the case of a teenager who is independent and capable but in the case of a 7/8 year old who needs their parents and who is sent away. That child is being neglected. Absolutely. And I think anyone who feels damaged by being sent to boarding school would be offended to be told their pain isn't legitimate because they weren't seen by social services.

But like I said upthread, writer, sleeping under the same roof each night is no guarantee of emotional closeness. If parents are going to be emotionally distant, they'll be so wherever their DCs spend the week.

Also, the number of under 11s boarding must be vanishingly small.

The fact that those parents wouldn't be any more loving if the children were at home just confirms their neglectfulness, doesn't it?

This is all getting a bit tenuous. We have hypothetical parents who we are assuming to be emotionally distant, based on their choice of school in hypothetical situations that we know nothing about but would presumably neglect their hypothetical children if they removed them from their hypothetical school and kept them at home.

Meanwhile, several actual, real people have given actual examples of their own specific experiences of not being neglected, and these comments have Ben entirely ignored amidst the wild, theoretical speculation.

interesting though that some of the people who have described their experience of attending boarding school as a positive experience have also said they wouldn't send their own DC ?

My child asked at the age of 6 to go to boarding school, at 7 they went, we saw them every Wednesday and they were home every weekend, 8 times a year they were home for long weekends, and they had 19 (yes 6 more than state school) weeks holiday a year.

We are not forces, we just work. And the problem was before/after school childcare meant that we never got quality time. Knowing when they were home, work was put on hold. Whilst they were at school we could work the long hours, do the business trips guilt free.

They will tell anyone that boarding school is the best thing ever, and recommend it to anyone.

Kitkat - that is no doubt because those people have provided balanced, considered opinions, based on their experiences. Positive personal experiences, but not making the choice to send their own children for whatever reasons apply to them.

I had a positive experience. I wouldn't actively seek out a boarding school for DS because there isn't currently anything in our lifestyle that would trigger that process. If he wanted to go, I probably wouldn't stand in his way, although I would probably be too selfish to let him have what he wanted until he was a teenager.

People can agree with their parent's choices but still choose to parent differently.

The bottom line, and I think we all know this, is that those who believe that BS is universally bad and extremely neglectful, are not interested in any specific experiences that go against this and almost certainly think we are making them up.

kungfupannda - yes you are right i suppose that they probably don't need to send their kids which is fair enough.

However i don't think its that people are not interested in specific experiences as such, i think a lot of us just don't understand peoples priorities. People don't need to have the job they have. In the long term, they can change their lifestyle so they don't have to send kids to boarding school. So when people do send i think its because their work-home priorities are different to lots of other people on here who would maybe look for a different job/ career rather than be away from their kids. As lots of people say its parental choice based on priorities.