To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

wordfactory - it's to stop all the boarders who live near enough from going home every weekend, leaving a sort of rump of boarders who can't get home rather lonely and isolated.

boobz - I know someone who travelled around a lot as a child and spent their early years in international schools. She was sent to board in the UK at age 11 and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I am not at all convinced that international school are a good solution for teenagers and I have looked in detail at this issue for DSs. I totally agree with what scaryteacher says on stability and standards at international schools.

DH recently turned down a fabulous eighteen month contract precisely because international schools are not that good.

If DC were little we would have gone for it...loved it...but at this point it would have had a direct impact on schooling when we return.

*olderandwider8 that makes sense. We looked at a flexi school for DD and on the Saturday we visted it wa slike the Marie Celeste wiht a handful of chinese girls wafting around the library. Not very nice for them really.

I boarded at 7 years of age, I did enjoy it and as an adult I know my parents made a very difficult decision.
The other girls who were at school with me were there for a variety of reasons. I was sent to boarding school as I was dyslexic and local schools that even believed in dyslexia let alone offered help with it were 40 minutes drive away and my parents felt that 1.5 hour travelling each day was worse than being away at school using that 1.5 hours a day to have longer holidays. Other reasons that people were at the school ranged from forces children ( a large number in those days were RAF girls whose fathers were working in the middle east where at the time female education was very poor), children who had lost a parent and the other parent worked long hours while they were at school to have more time off with them in the holidays.
I was really lucky I was at a wonderful school with huge grounds in which we were regularly turned out to climb trees etc. I got amazing chances to try a lot of unusual skills. Our staff were wonderful people who were very caring and I still write to several of them 30 years later, the number of girls at the heads funeral was testament in itself.
Recently I have supported a friend who is a forces wife and made the tough decision to put her children into boarding school at 7 and 9. This was not an easy choice, but for some forces family they do not know where there home will be until 2 weeks before they move, they then are only offered places in failing schools, then just as you hand in the notice at the school that you fought tooth and nail to get it 48 hours before you move the army pull the rug from under your feet and tell you you are going some where different or not at all. For these children staying with their parents would have meant a minimum of three schools in 2 years.
Boarding schools need to be carefully selected for the individual child and there are some children who will never be suited. For many families and children it is a very good solution for a number of very difficult problems.

Boobz: one of my friend's parents left the UK when she was 15 to work in Texas (oil industry). She refused to leave, so they got her a flat and she lived on her own and looked after herself throughout her GCSEs and A-levels.

School were perfectly ok with it surprisingly. Not sure if every child would have that level of maturity but it's a possibility.

I had a friend whose Dad was in the army in Germany. At the end of term when he was 15 he used to basically go and camp in an old quarry and wander the streets. He was very streetwise but very unhappy. School and camping was better than home for him.

The school thought he was going home and his parents thought he was staying with friends.

YADBU - omg how judgemental can you be about something you've never experienced and know nothing about. My father was in the forces, i went to boarding school at 10. in the forces my parents moved every 2 to 4 years, i would have moved during the start of my gcse 2 years and then just before my actual gcse's. My parents had the best in mind for my brother and i. My mother cried all the way back to Germany on the day they dropped us both off. Being in boarding school didn't mean i was neglected. 1 day (when my parents had moved to wales) i'd been ill and the school phoned my parents to say i kept being sick and fainting and my parents drove all the way to the school at about 90 miles an hour cause they were worried. I don't feel they loved me less, in fact i believe they loved me a lot more than some of these parents who seem to dump their unable to read kids in local school and think it's their problem now, my parents put themselves through 6 years of heartache so that i could get a good education and the best start i could.

I'm not sure if it's the case everywhere, but in some areas of the country there are relatively few day schools available, which can mean that if you wish to stay in the private system at age 11/13, then you have to consider boarding schools.

We're in Surrey, and there is a good choice of Day schools for Girls, but very limited options for boys at senior level. Fortunately a new Boys' Senior (Day) school is opening near us in Hindhead - so we will have more options, as I'm currently not at all keen on DS boarding.

I actually sometimes think it's incredibly selfish to keep children with you at all costs. Now I might be speaking from the perspective of an as-yet-unborn DC but it's a very real dilemma that DH and I had to thrash out before we considered having children because his current job and pretty much any sector he might move into means we could end up going somewhere with truly, horrifically, crap schools. Much as I hate the idea of splitting up the family it would, in some circumstances, not be practical for DC to come with. I'm thinking small islands with no international school and different school calenders....

I watched the same documentary and I agree it was heartbreaking, particularly one little girl was so distresses by it. But I think in the doc, the family were from the army and boarding school was the only way that the children could stay in one place and not have to keep changing schools.
I also know some adults who feel themselves damaged by the experience, equally lots of people say they loved boarding school.
I wouldn't do it though.....no way I'd miss my LO's so much!

Everyone I know who went to boarding school (about a dozen I reckon) says the biggest thing it does is change your relationship with your parents. You have to become independent very quickly and you just aren't as close to them because so much of your growing up happens away from home.

I once interviewed a guy from that boarding school survivors group and he said he thought boarding was fine after about 13 as "the nuclear family can be a bit of a trap" . He was very against boarding for kids much younger than that.

I think,reading some of the posts here, it is hard to say boarding is always the worst option and it certainly isn't a sign of neglect.

You have to do what is best for your family. You could equally show a documentary where DCs are crying because they get established at one school and then uprooted, sent to another and they know it will only be 2 years before they are off again. I have a friend whose father was in the army-she didn't board, she moved around and it still has the effects today on friendships. She said that when you went to the new school you couldn't talk about your old friends and old school or the new ones thought you were hankering back to 'the better', therefore she emotionally cut herself off.
Another, very bright, friend failed the 11+ and it was purely because she had been to so many schools, all with different methods and got totally confused-she missed whole chunks of maths and did others over and over.
I don't think that anyone can judge. I used to read the Chalet School books and would have been overjoyed to board at the time (in theory).
I don't think that it would be my solution to stay in one place with the DCs while my DH went off for years at a time, just getting together at holidays.

YANBU - it can be neglect. I definitely felt I was cut off from my parents when I started boarding at 10.

I learnt such skills as how to cry silently (because there was nowhere to be alone to cry), how to get dressed under the covers aged 10 for fear of being called a lesbian for flashing and how to do my own laundry. A year or two later I learnt how to smoke, drink heavily and be disruptive in lessons in order to avoid bullying.

Aged 15 I chose to continue to board - I no longer had a relationship with my parents by that stage, so why would I choose to live in a house with them.

Some people have good reasons to send their children to board, some don't. My parents didn't.

snapfrakkle - each to their own, but we've been faced by the same decision - about three times the amount of money to go and work on a small island, but our thinking is no.

Waves back at beijingaling who sounds like she had a better time than I did.

It must also be a godsend for DCs with difficult emotional backgrounds (and money)or DCs who are orphaned and perhaps have to live with grandparents or distant relatives.
There are just so many different cases-sometimes it is the best of a bad deal-rather than an active choice.

My cousin was living in a part of the world where there were no decent schools after 11, people sent them home to board. My cousin moved to a different country in preference-not everyone can do that.
Boarding schools definitely fill a need.

schmee DH doesn't get the choice, and doesn't get the salary hike either! If the state says go, he goes. Up to the end of primary I'd be confident enough to HE but beyond that I wouldn't chance it.

'For anyone who appreciates the heartache of separation, via boarding school or otherwise, take a look at Boarding Concern's website - lots of interesting info there.'

MiraNova: We're in the same part of Surrey as you. It amazes me that people shell out for independent schools here, often borrowing money, re-mortgaging etc, when there are such excellent state schools and 6th form colleges in the vicinity. I'm clearly missing something.

it sometimes think it is better for the children.

i wouldn't put my children in a boarding school, but i am home most days from 3pm and have the timeto be a good mum.

i bet the parents who children are boarding push themselves in the week to get everything done to spend precious time with there children.

I can identify what Syd35 says about boarding school making people emotionally 'buttoned up' and self-contained.

My brother went at 8 to 13 and I think it has affected his subsequent relationships. I know men are often not great at saying how they feel but he rarely reveals anything about his life.

I think the time away from his siblings when he was younger (we were all at home) put up a barrier between us.

It depends on so many variables: the school, the personality of the child, the age, etc...

My dad and his sister both went to separate boarding schools because my grandparents lived in a 3rd world country while my dad and aunt were children, so they didn't have a lot of choice but to send them abroad to school. (They could have moved I guess, I think my Grandpa was contracted by the government to do something or other. I dunno).

Anyway, my aunt loved boarding school; refers to it as the best time of her life. My dad on the other hand HATED it and tried to run away numerous times
:(

They were good schools too - proper posh like. But my aunt's a bit of a battleaxe and my dad is a big old softie so I really think it depends on the individual child.

I also used to work with a girl who went to boarding school and to this day she still couldn't sleep with the light off because of ishoos.

Boarding school doesn't always negatively affect the parent / child relationship. I have 3 siblings and we are all still really close to my parents. Even despite geographical distance.

BUT after 12/13. I still maintain 7 is too young. Ds is 6 and there is no way he could go next year.

hogsback: we've experience of both local state and private schools, and I'd agree that there are some excellent state schools, but not all of them are. We've chosen our DCs schools, based on which schools we felt were right for them at the time, combined with what we can afford (without remortgaging etc). It's worked well for us, and we have no regrets so far.

I went away to boarding school from the age of 8 and I loved it. My father was in the forces and it was considered the best way for us to have a stable education.

However, I couldn't imagine sending my DD away as I would miss her terribly, but I don't think you can knock people for doing what's best for their DCs. I guess it depends on the reason for sending them away.

I don't think YBU, but maybe a little hasty.