To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

Funny that so many posters are persisting with the sweeping generalisations about neglectful, feckless parents despite people posting about their specific experiences. Demonstrably not all parents of boarding school children are neglectful. Some are. But some parents of day school children are neglectful.

Another experience - I was at school with two girls whose parents pulled them out of school and then killed themselves after becoming involved with a cult. Despite having a very supportive extended family to whom the sisters were very close, they chose to come back to boarding school, and were very clear about the fact that they found the school environment supportive and stable and they wanted to be around their friends, their housemistress and matron with whom they had a good relationship, and somewhere they were happy.

Cross-posted with Tanith - I agree about the general tone of these sort of threads.

I almost wish someone would actually have the balls to post a thread saying "AIBU to think that those who spend every waking minute with their children are better parents, better citizens and better people by far than those who don't?" and get it over with.

I suppose the only reason I mentioned money is I assumed most boarding schools are fee-paying - I didn't realise there are free ones. My opinion of boarding schools stays the same regardless of the fees.

There is a difference between sending a child on a sleepover and sending them to boarding school. I don't think I need to spell that out.

I think the main issue I have with boarding school is that it's not really a parenting choice, it's a choice not to be a parent at all.

I loved boarding school. Because my parents led a nomadic life living in different countries I knew from a very early age that I would be going when I turned eleven and it held absolutely no fears for me.

As I've already pointed out, my son's school offer 1 or 2 nights for the juniors and they're certainly not unique in that respect. Like I said, you're arguing froma position of ignorance.

My dp was sent to boarding school at 8 and at 50 he is still uncomfortable with Sunday afternoon's as he was dreading the trip with his father back to school. He's spoken of abuse, physical and sexual by older boys as a "rite of passage". This was at one of the best boy's schools in the country, though not that one (i.e. Eton). Obviously not the kind of environment I would want a child in. He would be the first to tell you, however, how much boarding schools have changed and has in fact sent his eldest dd too one sucessfully.

I think for older children day boarding during the week is probably better than being ferried here and there for after school activities and sports, arguing with parents about home work and not doing it ,staying up too late watching tv while you feebly stress the importance of enough sleep. I know I will be attracted to the structured environment of a dayboarding school where the child gets to take part in all the after school activities, gets a decent meal, supervised homework and an early nights sleep. All done in the company of their peers at a time when peer behaviour has a large bearing on teenage likes/dislikes/will and will not's.

Yes, of course, you can enforce these things at home. I'm keeping my options open though (for boarding school) because I remember how outragous I was at 14-18...

It is a parenting choice in that, like choosing any form of childcare, you visit several options and, after carefully considering the setting that best suits your child and your family, you send your child to the best available.

Silly talk about neglect and non-parenting is just provocative and untrue.

How many 7 and 8 year olds are there boarding these days?

I thought it was dreadful to see how upset the mums nad children were on that documentry last year about sending kids off to boarding school - I cant help thinkign why on earth would you do that, why would you want to be away from your LO, IMO no education is worth that much.

I am in the wonderful position of knowing that in September my daughter will be starting a whole new and exciting chapter in her life. At a boarding school.
I had to make the choice, as a devoted and loving parent to put MY desires and feeings aside and find a school for my very bright daughter.
If I was going to be selfish then I would be sending her to any one of the local crappola high schools so I could keep her by my side all the time. In doing so I would be condeming her to a life full of missed opportunties. I want her to have the same opportunities as the rich people do in this country.

If we were rich it wouldn't be an issue. We could pay for a private day school. We cant as we are poor.

I find it shocking that some posters are so ready to make comments that are wrong and very hurtful.

I think it is quite cruel for both parents to work full time. Most children get sent into wrap around care and see mummy or daddy for 1-2 hours a day.
I also think it is a bit odd to want to always have your child with you and nowhere else!
No one would dare say that those parents are neglectful or abusive?
Why is it ok to dismiss all parents of boarding children as neglectful parents?

I will defend every womans right to make what ever choice is best for her family.

Ronshar, I agree with the majority of your post. However, you can't really say that you defend every woman's right to make her own choices when you also say that it is cruel for both parents to work full time!

Nor do you have much of a leg to stand on in criticising those shouting "neglect" about boarding schools, when you are shouting "cruel" about two working parent families.

YABVU

Some children are 'neglected' at home living with their parents -

Some parents don't bother helping their kids with homework etc

It is simply a different parenting choice to yours and is not neglect.

Neglect is a very big word and you shouldn't just throw it about.

YABU

My ex-P was adopted and sent to boarding school aged 7 said he hated it. He said he couldn't get his head around a couple adopting him and then sending him away. He was and still is one of the most issue-ridden people I have ever known. I am amazed that these institutions still exist in this day and age.

if it were not for the fact that the wealthy pay through the nose for the apparent benefits of boarding school would it still be looked at as such a privilidge or in such high regard?

i dont think so.

if you told people in any other circumstance that you sent your child away to be braught up by a stranger, live away from and educated by people you dont know any only home 20 weeks of the year social services would be called.
but if the rich do it its fine and is for the wealthy to mix well with each other-bull shit. how is sending a young child away from its parents to live with strangers in the childs interest? its not its the easy way out for the parents.

there is another version of this, that most people find abhorant. in some communist countries there was a spell of taking children away from their parents and basically farmed in state run boarding schools to churn out good citizens, this was seen as horrific by other countries.

private boarding is no different

Having thought about this further there are opportunities boarding schools offer which parents quite simply can't at home, such as those boys who choose to be choristers.

Or what if you decide to have a child, fully intending to bring them up in a loving stable atmosphere and then circumtances outside of your control mean you can't provide that?

Or if you have an exceptionally bright child whose only other option is a village school which isn't catering to their needs because they live in the middle of nowhere?

And so what if, in some families, it is accepted/traditional? If the child's on board with it then does it matter?

It's a huge generalisation to make.

most children will go along with anything to please their parents. i would move out of the village to be nearer a decent school before i would send them away

I went to one from the age of 9. I didn't want to go but my parents worked abroad and worked on a 2-3 year contract basis. They tried to send me at 8 but I flipped out so they made me promise to go the following year.

I would say that the prep school I went to, although on wonderful grounds with options to ride and sail, had a absolutely rubbish pastoral system. I remember spending freetime wondering around on my own crying not really sure what to do or where to go. There were very few girls there who hung around in a clique, sometimes I was included sometimes I wasn't. I was so depressed that I hardly spoke for the whole time I was there. My parents refused to believe that there was a problem as I was fine and happy when home in the holidays. However, I would cry for days towards the end of the holidays.

There was no way of phoning home so the only communication was by letter. I had a four sundays out a term and half term of which I went to my grandparents. I did have amazing long holidays in which I went abroad to stay with my parents. However, a 13 week term is very long with no real friends and no adult support.

I expect schools are better now. I am close to my parents but I still resent them for making me go. I was never career minded as all I have ever wanted to do is make a family of my own to make up for what I lost when I was younger. I have pretty much zero confidence so even though I got ok exam results I have never managed a great career. School was paid for by my dad's company and I think my parents felt it was the opportunity of a lifetime for my brother and I(we never attended the same school at the same time). They were not from well off backgrounds so I think they were a bit over impressed by it all.

I have only ever met 3 people who boarded. They HATED every minute of and were very resentful towards their parents. On of them went to Sherbourne Girls in Dorset and her mum and dad lived a few miles away but she still had to board!!

All of them say they would NEVER consider sending their children to board.

That C4 documentary made me cry.

Some people loved it. Just not me :(

I went and I would not send my children. Not that there was anything awful about my school, in fact it was very nice and nurturing.

Out of interest gothmummy, why wouldn't you send your children?

Also, I don't think being in the forces is a good excuse for sending children to boarding school unless both parents are in the forces. If only one parent is, surely the other can stay in one spot to look after the children? That's what my friend's mother did - she lived in England while his father went abroad with the army. Or would people argue it's more important for husband and wife to be together than it is for mother and child?

Writer of Dreams - my gran would always say to me, "at least your parents aren't divorced!" everytime I mentioned that I didn't like school!!! I actually fantasised that they would and then my mum could live the the UK with us!

OP "I think the main issue I have with boarding school is that it's not really a parenting choice, it's a choice not to be a parent at all."

So re-visitng my point that a child at boarding school with 20 wks holiday a year, alternate weekend exeats and one SAHP would spend more waking hours with a parent that a child living at home but with 2 parents in FT employment, would you also say that parents who both work FT are also choosing "not to be parents"?

If not, what would you say is the difference?

I would say not bagged, because being a parent isn't about being there for a child at weekends and on holidays, it's about providing a home for them, being there in the middle of the night when they're scared, talking to them, in person, every day and seeing them grow every day. I know there are some parents who work FT and don't get to see their children during the week, and I would say that's quite neglectful too.

My DH loved boarding school he was there for his secondary school education years.

I can wholeheartedly say that he has a very loving and balanced relationship with his Parents and at the time they gave him the choice to go.

DH feels that Boarding school helped him to become the person that he is and he enjoyed it so much that he would like our children to go too.

I can't bear to be apart from them too soon so have compromised on A Levels only.