To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

YABU. You really seem to know very little about boarding schools.

Some people have great experiences, others do not. The same can be said for all schools.

Interesting replies everyone thanks. I didn't mean to insult anyone so apologies if I did.

To clarify things I was talking mainly about young children - children aged 7 and 8. It's a different story with an 11 year old who is more mature and who can decide for themselves whether to go or not. I'm still not in favour of young teens going to boarding school but I can see why it might work out better for them.

If a child has at least one living parent who has enough money to send them to boarding school, surely it's not too much for them to expect to be cared for by that parent?

Well, for 20 weeks of the year, they would be at home with the parent.

And I wouldn't want to judge a family for its individual educational choices when the reasoning for those choices is not divulged. It's fine to say "well I wouldn't do it because of my priorities", but quite different to say "only the neglectful do this".

I think a child should be at home with their parents at least 50 weeks in the year (with perhaps a couple of weeks at the houses of other family members). I currently think it is neglectful to send a 7 year old to boarding school, but if someone could give me good reasons for doing that then I might change my mind.

7 is too young. 12 and older not so bad. Weekly boarding is better.

Some children enjoy boarding school. I did. It was better than home. One of my old boardng school friends was staying with us at the weekend. We still have many happy shared memories. Some children hate it though. I would not send a child under age 11 though.

Boarding schools now though are much much beter places than when I was there 35 years ago. Things like email/facebook allow much more regular contact with parents now. It is not neglect for the vast majority of children and if it is neglect then those parents would have neglected their children anyway even if boarding school didnt exist.

If a working class mum said she was putting her child into an institution where he'd be fed and schooled I'm sure she'd be very harshly judged for not taking care of her child herself. However, if a richer parent does exactly the same thing and pays for it then it's seen as acceptable. In my book they are both neglect. Anyone can feed and teach a child, but only the parents or other close family member can truly love and care for a child. No amount of money will ever pay for the loss of a family life.

I agree that for some children who are in a terrible situation boarding school might actually be a welcome escape, but surely that makes the whole thing even sadder - that the only ones it truly benefits are those who were having a shit time anyway?

I would send a child to boarding school, probably not at 7, but that's because of my personal circumstances. It will be benficial for some kids, and not for others.
I think that if I had been sent tbh I would have been a lot happier than at home, for many reasons. Not all children have the perfect home life, OP. Some are better off away from their parents for term times for many different reasons. Some have been mentioned here.
When I was a lone parent I would have considered it if ds1 was older and wanted to go. I was WOHM and dropping him at school at 8, and picking up at 6. I had little time with him during the week. If he had boarded that would have meant I could done longer hours at work during the week and taken longer holidays, to spend exclusively with him. Other parents may have health problems, mental or physical, which might mean that having periods where a child is not home would be beneficial to both. Or the family might move a lot. Or simply, as in my case, the home might be a miserable place to be.
As with many other cases you can't make a blanket criticism of other parents' parenting choices, simply because you won't know all the circumstances.

YANBU. They are Social Services homes for the rich who can't be bothered to look after their children. Unless the kids have chosen to go at say, 13 or 14, just for the experience. Some children really flourish in boarding schools but often because their home life is so disfunctional and crap, they are in a better place

I went at 11, my brother at 7 - he BEGGED my parents to let him board because he was missing out on so much, and he absolutely loved it. I would have hated going at 7, but my prep school was horrid and my brother's much nicer!! I loved boarding school, I have an excellent relationship with my parents and my brother, and I think to call it neglect is utter rubbish. We were given an amazing gift of a fantastic education, self sufficiency, and I have a group of schoolfriends who I consider to be like extended family.

YABVU based on very limited third-hand experience.

It is one of those issues which is going to vary from family to family. For some parents boarding school is a convenient way of having less to do with their children. For others it is a carefully thought out, loving decision.

I went to boarding school after losing my mum. My father couldn't cope and I went to live with my grandparents who did an amazing job in loco parentis but were concerned that the generation gap would mean that they couldn't offer me as much in terms of activities and socialising as people with younger parents. I was given the choice and I accepted it and it was absolutely the right decision.

There were a few girls at my school who should never have been sent and were never going to be happy, but the vast majority were very well settled and happy. Every year there were a few day girls who started boarding because they didn't want to miss out on the social side of things and the after school clubs.

There was a carefully structured approach to increasing independence. As you went higher up the school you got more freedom. By sixth form you lived in a boarding house a little way away from the main school, were allowed to miss a certain number of school meals, assemblies, study sessions etc. We had grocery deliveries and cooked for ourselves and we arranged our studies with a bit more flexibility. It was an incredibly good grounding for going away to university and out into the world.

It was an incredibly positive experience and I am aware that it cost my grandparents a good deal, emotionally, to let me go away but they put their own feelings second to my interests. Is that the definition of neglect?

I'm with the OP in not really understanding why people send their children to boarding school.

I've read the posts and I'm clear that it is not neglect (far from it, really) and it can be an enjoyable experience for many, and I understand why forces families choose this option - but aside from them, WHY would you actively choose to have a child, but then send them away to effectivelt be brought up by someone else, and not involve yourself in their day to day parenting?

Forces families - it's obvious. Children who were being bullied at previous schools - fair enough. But people with no real justification (maybe apart from being rich and it being the done thing) - why do it?

My mum and her sisters had a dreadful time at boarding school in the 40s. They were sent from the highlands. to Sussex from age 7. When my aunt wet the bed she was made to sit on the stairs with the wet sheets so that everyone could see
They still talk about how horrible it was, and my mum still won't eat anything they were fed at school.
I'm sure things are much better now, but I wouldn't send my kids to Eton even if if we were offered for free.

I can understand why it would make sense for forces families who move a lot - a friends daughter split up with her boyfriend for exactly this reason, this was what he expected to do with his children and there was no way she would even contemplate it.

Personally otherwise I do find it a VERY strange decision - its like getting a dog, sticking it in kennels and just walking it on sunny days the whole point of having a child for me is the nurturing, living with aspect of raising them.

Still I guess it means when these children grow up and their parents get old they will not have to anguish too long over the decision to put them in a care home "for their own good"

I know families who absolutely WERE neglectful in their parenting, sending their kids away because they couldn't be bothered to parent properly. There is definitely an element of that.

My ds is beginning to talk about going (he would be 13). No-one in my family or dh's has ever boarded, but if he wants to go I wouldn't stand in his way. It is the stories told by his friends' elder brothers (home for weekends and hols) that have made him want to try it.

There are two state boarding schools which offer boarding at primary school age.

If you take money out of the picture, do you still have the same view?

Keep curry......do you not feel sad that he wants to live away from you at 13 years old.

meditrina..............money has nothing to do with it,,, it is about ''junking'' your children off for someone else to look after.

My hubby went to boarding school as his parents worked overseas and they wanted him to have a better education in the UK. He says he totally loved his time there and got plenty of long holidays to visit his parents which ever country they were in. He says it was exciting, he often got to travel as an unaccompanied minor and speaks fondly of that time. He knew plenty of kids who didn't take to it so well though.

On the downside, he doesn't really get the family thing, doesn't readily do hugs etc and whereas I tell our little one I love him all the time, hubby is not so forthcoming sharing his emotions. I for one could never comtemplate putting our little one into boarding school but hubby wouldn't have a problem with it.

All said, hubby did well academically and did end up with a fab career. So two sides to the argument really.

Thanks MrChips - was wondering, as the thread title refers to expense, and some posts mention material circumstances.

Ds will go to boarding school at 8 if he gets a choral scholarship. He can't wait to be 'neglected'.

Mrs Chips - I'm really pleased he has the confidence to contemplate it. I can see myself camping over the wall with my binoculars and first aid kit though.

Bakelitebelle, they are nothing to do with Social Services and are certainly not just for the rich. I'm a childminder on a low income. You and the OP really don't know what you're talking about.
You know, this argument really does remind me of the "childcare is abuse" threads that pop up every now and again on here. Someone with little or no idea of what they're talking about having a swipe at other people's parenting choices. This time there's a rather nasty undercurrent of snobbishness.

Those who maintain that 7 is too young - would you send a 7 or 8 year old on a sleepover? Having had to babysit several, I can assure you that they'd be far safer spending a night or two at boarding school!

My step-brothers went from age 7 (choir schools). They are both tremendous fuck-ups and it came out later that they were sexually abused by both masters and older boys for years.

I'm sure that things have changed now but still would not risk it.